cell phone cheaters

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2010
cell phone cheaters
12
Wed, 05-12-2010 - 2:57pm
My hubby has been mine for 8 yrs and we have 5 kids 15yrs to 2 yrs. My hubby is very sick with fatty liver disease. He says he is being faithful but in Dec 09 I found phone 3#s and email addresses of women and I called them and they knew my hubby's phone # and email address. I confronted my hubby and he said I planted the #s in his phone . Things settled down and he became more attentive and loving and just a devoted papa and hubby again. He used to cheat when we weren't married 6 times. I 3 days ago was in a Dollar Store with him since he always wants to go with me everywhere which is good. Well we were getting children's ibuprofen and he got a text and he quickly looked at his phone and looked panicked at me as he shoved his phone back in his pocket. I said Who was that?! He said Oh just verizon ! I said no I don't think so cause you wouldn't act like that if it was the phone company. I said that is it! I went to our van and got in. I asked him when he got in to let me see who it was .! He said I don't have to ! You should trust me enough not to have to ask.! I reminded him of the Dec mess and he said it was my mess that I planted.I heard his phone ring next and he quickly looked and quickly shoved it in his pocket again! I said let me see who that was and he said no. I said why not if it is just the phone company. The next day he asked if I was done with my sh*t. I said let me see your phone. He said he doesn't have to. I should just trust him. He is dieing from his liver condition only has 1 1/2 yrs left. He doesn't want to live with his family saying we are too stressful for him and we are disrespectful cause we are going to be living on after he dies. He wouldn't die if he would loose weight so he can have a liver transplant. I say to him that he is betraying his kids too. He says that he isn't. He says that I probably am. Since I talk to our mutual friend and neighbor that I never am alone with or let in my house or never go anywhere with and I am only chaperoned with outside when we talk. My hubby says when he comes over now he won't bring his phone with since he thinks I will plant phone #s in it to cause trouble. I tell him why does that make sense when it would only make our marriage worse and I am the one trying to keep our family together so that the kids have good memories of him just in case he does die. I grieve for him and his possible death and the loss of my hubby that I did know before all this craziness of health problems and new cheating happened. How am I showing that I don't value our marriage and our kids' family life? I just wanted to give our kids as stable and "normal" family life as I could just in case our dear papa and hubby leaves this world. I don't understand how this wouldn't be the most important thing for him after getting himself better.!! If I was dieing I would put all other things aside and focus on my health and the security of my family! I hope he understands that we wish for him to live because if he dies then we loose a piece of out heart a big one! That is what love is! That is how you know you love someone ! The thought of them not being in your life is unbearable! I need help with clarity and how to deal with my sadness so I will make good choices for my family.Help!

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2009
Wed, 05-12-2010 - 3:42pm
...clarity wise...he's not showing you the phone because he doesn't want you to see who it is...
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-28-2004
Wed, 05-12-2010 - 6:07pm

hugs.
Welcome to the board.

Check the phone bill. If its verizon you can check it right away. Then you would know for sure.

Take care i know this is really got to be hard on you and the kids.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-2009
Wed, 05-12-2010 - 6:09pm

Hi...I am sorry that your husband is having such health issues and I hope that turns out okay...


I myself have been dealing with a "cell phone cheater"...You know you didnt put those numbers in the phone and he knows it..I would tell him to stop the nonesense..I have found that when men cheat and lie they will think of anything to say even stuff that is completely ridiculous, anything to save themselves.....


He isnt willing to let you see who is on the phone because he is hiding something....


He isnt ready or willing to come clean....My only thought is that you could go through his phone look up the calls and messages yourself.... He probably deletes alot of it, but no one is perfect he will mess up at some point and leave something incriminating on the phone if he is doing wrong...also you could check the cell phone bill and see how often he is calling and texting certain numbers...


Good luck..I cant imagine the stress you are under with the health issues on top of the cell phone stuff...

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2010
Thu, 05-13-2010 - 1:35am
Thanks for the reply. It means so much! My hubby and I do not have a phone account together anymore. He demanded that the phone lines that the kids and I have be taken over by me so that it is in my name not his. He also insisted that the satellite be out of his name. He was very nasty about these issues be done right away. Guess he was concerned about being caught again. I have continued to check his phone but was letting it slide for a couple of months. Silly me I should have been more vigilant. The confusing thing is he is overweight that is why he has fatty liver disease killing his liver. He knows that he only has 2 years before a transplant is crucial to his survival. He is in very bad pain because he fell at work and finished ruining his back. His spine is compressed into an hourglass shape so paralyzation is looming as well. He is not focusing on his health and family as I would because having a family and a wife of 16 years is a privilege a precious privilege to be protected and appreciated! I told him once that there are so many persons who can't have kids and persons who never find someone to even try to have kids with So he should be thanking his lucky stars that he has us to complain about! He always tells us that our crying over the fact that his death is a possibility soon is just too burdening and upsetting to him. He says that we should back off. He says I don't know how to love him. I was looking up info about his disease and possible treatments and tests. I am just trying to see if there is anything that is being missed so he can get help to not die. He tells me I am saying the Dr is stupid and that I am arrogant in acting like I could do the Dr's job. I am just panicked wishing to not loose him to his disease. I feel marriage should be for longer than the first bump in the road. People give up to easy. They make it easy for their spouse to not feel the full weight of their dishonorable actions their adulterous behavior. I believe that people should remember everyone has a choice to be either good and honorable or callus and dishonorable. When people make choices by just using their emotions then there are usually serious consequences . People think that marriage or any relationship is gonna be all smooth sailing but that is unrealistic. It is hard to not let all the small hurts that happen build to a big mountain. A person has to know and believe that no one is perfect and that forgiving is important for a happy life. If you don't forgive others then you probably won't forgive yourself either then as a person makes mistakes it becomes harder to feel good about oneself so a person then thinks that their spouse is thinking as bad of us as we think of ourselves. Sometimes their spouse is being harsh like mine. He expects perfection out of me and not of himself. He says all women are backstabbing ho... So I guess that means his mom too...? Well I don't know how I will be able to disconnect enough to survive through this all but I need to find some kind of help cause the panicked dreams of his unfaithfulness is exhausting. His health is worse and color but I can't call dr for him cause he wanted his mom in control since she doesn't ask too many questions of the dr. But his mom isn't calling the dr when he look like he is loosing ground either. He is slipping away before my eyes and ruining the kids and my precious thoughts of him with his shady activities. Normal family time to love on each other is so important so the little ones won't feel the fear that is so strong. I wish I could get him to just relax into our love he might be surprised, his might have just been wrong when she told me that me and the kids were making his disease worse since we are so stressful.My mother in law doesn't even let our daughter into the house that my hubby stays with his mom in, when she went to get $ for a YMCA visit. Our daughter had a friend with too. My hubby's mom is very cold and not nurturing in any way. Her marriage failed and she just went after married men after that. My hubby ended up being her bouncer. I think this is how my hubby got his distaste for women. She seems to just tear our marriage down as if she is jealous of us being together for 16 years. My hubby is always worse when he spends time with his mom. Yeah that is often since he lives there now. I never confronted her and demanded her to respect the family her son created with me. I tried to not be aggressive to her out of respect to my hubby but I regret it now.She actually told me it isn't natural for men or women to stay monogamous! Sick. Pathetic to believe that people can't have any kind of self control over themselves!! Self control is a big problem in society.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-28-2004
Thu, 05-13-2010 - 10:55am

That must be sooo hard to deal with. It seems as if he does not even want to fight. And to give control to his mother, Im so sorry.

Its not easy im sure.

Have you talked to his mother? Do you think it might benefit you to talk to his doctor?

Have you talked to a therapist to help you sort out your feelings?

I am so sorry your going through this. but hang in there.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2010
Wed, 05-19-2010 - 1:03am
Thank you for answering me. Sorry I took so long to answer. The 5 kids have had me running. Plus my husband has been over and keeping me busy. On monday he had to go for a check up at the university 4 hours away. He talked to us all day on Monday the 17th. I took our oldest daughter to the Dr. He was being really nice like he means that he loves us and wants us in his life as he says almost everyday. The last I talked to him was at 4:30 pm and he had slipped away to the bathroom to give us a call. He said he was waiting for the doctors to review his test results and let him know what they were going to do with him as in treatment plans. I still haven't heard anything from him since then.The kids and I his wife don't know if he made it back to our home town. We are worried that he had to stay at the hospital for more tests or bad news for his prognosis. We are worried that he fell even more ill from his fatty liver disease and am rapidly dieing in the hospital. He could have decided that I am expecting too much from him again or accused him unjustly as he says. We may not know. His mom hates me and our kids so we can't believe that she would let us know. His mom probably won't even let us go to the funeral for my husband and our kids' papa. There is always the possibility that my hubby is just shutting us out because the person he has been conversing with on the internet and phone has decided to commit to him and make their relationship more. My hubby says I am just crazy to suspect any affair. The kids and I are just in agony for fear of what is happening to our papa/hubby.! There is no way that I can find out at the university hospital now cause a while back my hubby didn't include me as his next of kin and emergency contact. He says he can't count on me. Even though he took $33 from me cause he says that he needed it and he says that he helps me but he didn't this month since supposedly our bank misplaced $200.I tried to tell him that I can't even pay all my household bills and be able to feed our kids so I couldn't give him anything. He took it anyway. And now he won't call to let me know how he is and where he is cause I am not that important. I just don't know how much pain we need to go through for him to notice that we are a privilege to have. I know how precious it is to have had one true love and the fact that we had the privilege of having 5 beautiful kids. Well I just don't know how to keep from texting my hubby to find out what is going on.I know how pathetic I sound and look.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-2009
Wed, 05-19-2010 - 10:04am

Hi...


Dont worry you are not pathetic...There is nothing pathetic about loving someone especially the father of your children...He should be the one embarrassed by the way he is treating your family...


If he is living with his mom, not including you as next of kin for medical and you believe that he is cell phone cheating- all of these things are indicating that at this time he is not commited to the marriage no matter what he says..It is his actions and they speak loud and clear..


I know you love him...I think most of us on here love our spouse who has been hurtful to us..It is okay to love..


But in the end you cant save him or the marriage by yoursel..He has to

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2010
Sat, 05-22-2010 - 2:43am
He says now."I won't bring my cell phone cause you will probably put people's numbers in my phone again.""My cell phone is broken honey" Thank you for answering my message. I appreciate your words. I had some words with my husband since the last message. About 5 days ago I was in the Dollar store with my husband. He insists that he go everywhere with me since he says that I talk to men all the time and he hates when I talk to the acquaintances that I know female and male that we know that work in the grocery stores that we frequent. I think he is nervous or jealous . I was in the Dollar Store with my husband getting some pain med for our daughter. He received a phone call or text I couldn't tell since he changed his ringer for each type of call. I asked harmlessly who that was? He had looked at his phone quickly and nervously and then quickly put his phone in his pocket. He said "Oh! Uh just the phone company!" I said "No. I don't think you get that nervous when it is the phone company.!" I stormed out of the store with him following. He got into our van and the argument ensued. I said that I don't know why he had to betray his wife and our kids at this very sad time of his life since we are already sad to be probably loosing him to fatty liver failure. He said that he isn't talking to other women on the phone and has no other women in his life but me. I said if that was true then he would let me see who had called or text him.! He said that I should just trust him if I loved him. I said let me see. He said then that he didn't have to. He got out of the van and walked to his mom's. I followed and stopped him and pleaded please don't do this to our kids don't betray them that they are already loosing him to death probably. That our kids and I don't need to have the last memory of their daddy be of him being unfaithful. The kids don't need their dieing papa to betray them too. He said that he wasn't and to get away. Then he came to see us again the next day after another fight later that day. He wanted to be sexual with me and I allowed us to be intimate. Then we had some closeness and "normal" days. On Monday he had an appointment at the university hospital so on Sunday we had lots of snuggles and loves because it is really scary when he goes to the doctor. On monday I had to take our 8 yr old to the doctor since her tummy ulcer was bothering her again. I text my husband starting at 10am and he was very nice and open to me so we kept texting back and forth during the day. He called me at 4:30pm. He just wanted to talk to me to let me and our kids know that he didn't know any info yet that he was waiting for test results. I had no indication that it would be the last time I would get to talk to my husband . May 17,2010 at 4:30 pm has been the last time I talked and our 8 yr old and 2 yr old daughters and 4 yr old son have talked to our dear and precious papa and hubby.We don't know if he got bad news at the dr or if he is too sick after the trip or if he just changed his mind about loving us all. I kept trying to get him to answer my texts and phone calls but no answer. On Tues. May 18th I took our 4yr old son and 2 yr old daughter to his mom's house at 2pm to see if we could get him to answer the door. But no he wouldn't answer the door. We then tried to call him on the phone and I had our 4 yr old and 2 yr old leave a message for papa. They were so excited in anticipation to see daddy or talk to daddy. Now our 4 yr old wishes on a star every night to see his papa. He tells me that he is sad about daddy not wanting to see him anymore. I said we don't know what is going on so we have to just think that daddy is just too sick to come see us. Our 2 yr old keeps asking where's papa? I have to say the truth I don't know. I know that his mom is happy that my hubby isn't seeing his family because his sister said that my husband had to lie to his mom about him talking to me on the phone. I was told on different occasions by his brother and sister that their mom always has had a "different " relationship with my husband.My husband has always been told by his mom that he never did anything wrong and never affected persons around him.My hubby has told me in tears that he has to do as his mom says or he won't be helped by her . He does need to be able to go to the university whenever at a drop of the hat and her $ allows him to do that.He literally will jump and leave when she calls if he is over seeing his kids and wife. He apologizes to her for not being at her house when she has came home from work! She has ordered me and our kids out of my husband's hospital room saying that we should be at home letting him sleep. He had just got to the hospital. Then when he had to go for tests his mom said that my place is at home with her son's and my kids not by my husband's side so I could support him as I should and share the emotions that come when there are hard and sad diagnoses. She even hates to see her son my hubby and I kiss and hug she makes disgusted and impatient sounds. She acts jealous . ?A friend did some research since she met my hubby. She was a victim of incest and he reminded of her before she got help. I am surprised by her thoughts. She said there is emotional incest and that my hubby has all the signs. I am talking about it or trying so that others may be able to recognize and get help for the controlling behavior of their parents. So maybe they won't throw away their beautiful families because they feel they have to. Everyone who has a spouse and children are lucky and privileged because so many people never get the opportunity to have what we have had and lost.
I am pretty sure she won't let us be around my husband during his last days and won't tell us if he dies. We for sure won't be allowed at his funeral. WE ARE NOTHING and there is no acknowledgement that we are my hubby and our kids' Papa 's family.!
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2010
Tue, 06-22-2010 - 9:54pm
Well my hubby's got a woman off the internet one of the names I saw on his connections page on his Yahoo account. Nice. He is saying for me not to contact him like I am stalking or something. He has beat us off and on for 17 yrs and all we have done is try to make him happy and deal with our own personality flaws and low self esteem. He has beat on our 15 yr old this past yr badly. Now he is calling only our 15 yr old to visit to do dumb stuff. He tells him not to tell me he saw daddy. Why the sneakiness if not because daddy wants to keep our son as a punching bag and a person to belittle to try to make himself feel stronger or better. I asked for help from the protective services in Nebraska and got no where because the abuse isn't currently happening.! Now in court on Monday my hubby says I am not letting our kids see him. My hubby is the one that blocked my number from calling him and won't talk to me so we can set up visits. He has been seening his girlfriend over at his mom's where he lives.! He knows our other kids' cell phone #s but hasn't ever called them since May 17th.! Now since I never turned him in when he abused us he gets visits set up by the court if I can't get the teen that saw him choking our 15 yr old to come forward with the pics or a statement. My hubby is dieing and he said all along he would put bruises on himself and get the police to send our son away if I turned him in. Where is the protection for the abused family ? We have been victimized for yrs and guess it will continue.We have a 12 yr old boy, 8yr old girl,4 yr old boy and a 2 yr old girl. Where is their protector when momma can't find a way to get justice and protection from the daddy that has shown no humanity for our kids. He chose our 15 yr old to visit knowing the other kids loved papa too and wanted to be ackowledged but he denied to his girlfriend that our other 4 kids were his!! 9 yrs of marriage and 8 yrs of him coming and going to other woman and beating me in front of the woman when I would try to get him to visit his kids before we married. I feel I paid my way into his life and I thought heart that is how he put it. He loved me until May 17 th. How do you quit loving the good man he would show us most of the time when he was only with us and not around his mom or internet. How do you make yourself stop loving the good man memories. He doesn't act anything like the man I fell in love with and lived with for 9 yrs.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
Wed, 06-23-2010 - 1:20am

I've heard it said "we don't choose who we love", so don't beat up on yourself.

 

Pages