Change of plans... He's gone!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-13-2011
Change of plans... He's gone!
10
Tue, 01-03-2012 - 2:07pm
I had decided I would give it until summer break, but that all changed this morning! I was upset, as I have been and he didn't like it. He got angry, told me he was sorry he ever married me, that I am basically nothing, do nothing for him, and pretty much how much he hated me. While that was devastating to hear, I figured it would be said sooner or later. It's easier for him to be done than to try to make it work. He thought he could flip the script and manipulate me in to begging for him. Not this time!!!! I'm done. After he was finished, I said "ok, well then you need to go". He kept trying to talk, apologize for what he said and so on. I didn't cry, I didn't yell... I just said too late! If his family mattered to him then he wouldn't have done what he did and he sure as hell wouldn't have said what he said.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't dying inside. His words and actions have cut deeper than any knife ever could. I'd give anything to crawl in a hole and die right now but I know the pain is temporary. May be a very long temporary, but it won't last forever.
He refuses to leave our house. I don't know what to do. I refuse to let him see me upset. I know he thinks this was just a fight and I'll get over it and beg him to stay. He thinks I NEED him. He thinks that financially I can't make it without him. He's wrong!
From love to hate, just like that! Like I never mattered at all. What a hard reality check this has been! :'(
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2008
Mon, 01-09-2012 - 7:24am

Hi Dmh81.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-13-2011
Sun, 01-08-2012 - 10:25pm
Oh and I know this sounds crazy, but I know he will not fight me on the money. I would almost bet my life that he would willingly pay for whatever, when ever. I fully believe he would rather pay me off and keep me "satisfied" than to disrupt his life. Now that I know all or at least some of his lies, it brings a lot of things from the past to light! He doesn't care about people, money, his career... Just sex! That's it! Which he was getting 4 to 5 times a day from me.., WAS... no longer!
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-13-2011
Sun, 01-08-2012 - 9:28pm
Thank y'all so much for the advice. My oldest son is from my exH. His oldest is from his exW. The rest are ours. AND HE WANTS MORE!!! I'm just terrible because when I found all of this out I pulled the plug on "trying" for another... Because yes we were trying!!! I have come to the conclusion that he is just a mental case. He has more issues than I'm sure I even or he even knows of. As for trusting his family, I DO NOT! his sister and father I do to an extent, but not his mother even the slightest bit, and ultimately his dad is going to stand by his wife..(he's a good one). But I don't care about any of that. While I wouldn't turn my head to what I'm entitled to, I honestly do not care about "things" or money. I've been poor before, but guess what... I WAS HAPPY! He knows me, he knows I was fine before him and I'll be fine after him. I think he has always been intimidated at knowing my happiness does not soley depend on him. He knows that I have the strength and everything else it takes to leave. I use to think he loved that I was so strong, but now that I really think back, I see how he has tried his hardest to beat that out of me. I've changed in more ways than I care to admit, and I have heard it for years from family and friends... But my spirit hasn't changed. My love and passion for life hasn't changed. See I really and truly love the man I thought I married. I was in love with him in every way. He completed me in ways I'd never imagined. Everything I'd ever wanted. BUT that is no longer the same man sleeping beside me. This is a stranger, and one I'm not very fond of. It is heart breaking, but I keep telling myself that it's not like I'm giving up a lot. He's a bastard! We were sitting in church this morning and I swear all I could think was how sorry I feel for his lost lonely soul, because I know I'll eventually be fine, but I know he won't. He's always going to be this way. It's sad to me. Not just him, but I can't imagine anyone going through life the way these men do.
Reading other people's stories have been so helpful. I read them and think "girl you need to leave his lying cheating arse"!!! Then reality clicks in that I need to take my own advice. I know my story better than anyone else, obviously, and all the details and craziness I've left out (and sadly there is more, I just can't bare to say it out loud).
I really appreciate everyone's words. It is so helpful and reassuring to Know that I am not alone... Or the only one!
Thanks again!!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
Sun, 01-08-2012 - 12:22pm

DMH,

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2008
Sun, 01-08-2012 - 9:23am

Hi dmh81,

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2011
Sun, 01-08-2012 - 5:36am

You're brilliant!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
Sun, 01-08-2012 - 2:03am

DMH,

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-13-2011
Fri, 01-06-2012 - 8:13pm
Yes, Ollie. Our home is in both of our names. I have not met with an attorney yet. I need to do that. Since my last post, my H made an appointment with a psych doc and is going next week. I stopped reacting on my emotions the other day and calmed down. I know I have to get my ducks in a row before I do anything drastic. Of course he's all apologetic and trying to kiss my tail but I'd honestly rather he just not talk to me. I still have so much anger and rage in me, I swear I could burn this house to the ground (without us in it of course). My husband hasn't worked since October and he just signed a contract for a job that will have him working about 2 or 3 days a week about 2 1/2 hours away from our home. HE'S freaking out because he says he doesn't want it to further damage our marriage and because he doesn't want to worry about what I'M doing while he's away!!!! He thinks that because I do not trust him that I'm going to start cheating myself! I swear I could punch him in the face!!!!!!!!! I have five freaking kids to take care of, what am I really going to do! He says his mother won't mind keeping the boys so I can go with him. That's absolutely not an option for me- I raise my kids, no
one else!!! I'm not about to ditch my boys! I can't help
but feel that it'll only be a matter of time before he
cheats again. He'll be far from home and I'd have no
way of knowing anything, as I'm sure the jack@$$
knows now to not use his own cell phone! I do not
know what to do. His grand plan is to open his own
practice and we both work there, and that's great, but
I can't stand the thought of living my life having to
watch and track his every move... Jesus, I have
almost teenagers that I'm trying to keep track of.

can't be doing the same thing with a grown man. All I
do know to do is get my own job, make my own
money, and depend on me. Oh and be pulling money
out of "our" account a little at a time to put in my own account at a separate bank that I set up the day after I found every thing out.
I still feel like a zombie and trying to fake happy and fine for my kids is killing me. I feel like everyone thinks my life is so perfect and really my life is just a giant lie. Everything just feels so destroyed... Including my self respect!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2008
Wed, 01-04-2012 - 11:04am

You're absolutely right, dmh.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2008
Tue, 01-03-2012 - 2:50pm

(((dmh81)))