Changing Mind ... Need Advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-24-2008
Changing Mind ... Need Advice
12
Mon, 02-02-2009 - 11:06pm
Hi All! I am in need of some advice. In November I found out my husband has been having an affair with a co-worker. I confronted the OW and him on the same day, and he told me he thought he was in love with her and wanted to move in with her - she lives in the same apartment building we do! So, shortly after I found out he moved downstairs to be with her. About a month into living there, right after Christmas, we started talking, trying to figure out how to handle a divorce, how to file taxes, ect. I have always said I will NEVER tolerate cheating in my marriage, and let him know I am ready for the divorce. I told everyone in my family and a lot of my friends. Last week I was ready to go with him to sign the divorce papers, and we both realized we just couldn't go through with it. It seemed ridiculous to get a divorce when we both still loved each other. He called the OW right in front of me and told her it was over, and has since moved his things back into our apartment. He is sleeping on the couch. For the past week all we have been doing is talking, discussing why it happened, what we both felt about our marriage, etc. He is very remorseful and understands that rebuilding will be a long, slow process, and we are going to go to marriage counceling as soon as I can make an appointment. So, my question is this: what do i tell my family, my friends? I'm worried they will totally freak, because for two months I have said nothing but I want this to be over and move on with me life. I realize now I was speaking in anger, and deep down I have always wanted to try and work it out. Any and all advice on how to deal with the other people would be greatly appreciated, as well as advice on rebuilding with my husband, what do we need to do? Thanks!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Mon, 02-02-2009 - 11:15pm
Well you really don't owe anyone else an explanation about your decisions. Maybe you should not even tell them your back together until you decide for sure if your going to stay together permanently.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2007
Tue, 02-03-2009 - 11:08am

Hi-

I was also in the position where my H and I had been separated for a few months due to his affair and it was looking like we were going to divorce, so a lot of people knew.

When my H and I began rebuilding the only people that I concerned myself with were family and friends that were worried about me possibly getting hurt again. I told those people not to worry, that I was going into it with my eyes completely wide open and that I had taken steps to protect myself were he to ever do it again. I told them that I realized it might not work out, but I felt that I wanted to try. I also asked some to respect my decision (those that I felt I needed to say that to!), and also explained to some of my closest family and friends that we would likely need some time and space to work on things (that was mainly to the people that I normally spent quite a bit of time with so they would be aware that I might temporarily be declining some invitations now and then).

Those were the basic things that I said to people, but with some that were closer to me where the conversations might have gone a bit deeper I did add a few more details. It was mainly to ease their worries that I might be getting "fooled" or that I might get hurt again.

I was surprised to find that most people were supportive. There were a couple that still seemed wary, but after a short while of my H treating me properly, and where they could see we were doing well, they came around.

As far as what to do in order to rebuild? That could be a VERY long list! ;) The fact that you are and your H are going to go to counseling is great. I would just say try to find a counselor that has experience dealing with infidelity. I think there are a couple of things that are VERY important for the WS (wayward spouse) to do. They must go completely NO CONTACT with affair partner. (Since you live in the same building as the OW, are you thinking about moving?) H should be living his life as an open book with you, to help reassure you that the behavior has stopped, and to rebuild the trust and the closeness between you. And one of the most important things that he will need to do, in my opinion, is to look deep within himself to figure out WHY he did it. Not "reasons" where he might try to blame you in any way, and not "superficial" things, like, "we didn't have much time together" or something like that. He needs to figure out what it was about HIM where he made the CHOICE to cheat, and where he gave himself PERMISSION to cheat.

Things to do together in rebuilding? I would suggest LOTS of talking. Work on improving the communication. That can help in MANY ways. Work on any problems that may have existed in the marriage prior to the affair (but don't let him use those as an EXCUSE for the affair- that one is completely on HIM!).

For you on your "side" in things... I would suggest watching him closely for awhile to be sure that his actions are the actions of a person that is truly committed to you and to the marriage. Don't settle for anything less than that. I would also suggest having an "Exit Plan" or "Plan B" in place for yourself, just in case. And make yourself and your healing a priority. Try to keep your focus on doing what will help YOURSELF, and upon taking care of yourself and giving yourself what you need to heal. And he should be focusing on working on HIMSELF.

Those are just some overall ideas, and just my opinions (I've been rebuilding for 2 years and 3 months now). Oh- and another big one- try to take it one day at a time. It does get better, and a lot of us have found we have come out of this with improved and stronger marriages, and closer to our spouses than before.

Best of luck to you-

Val

Val                                   &n

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2006
Tue, 02-03-2009 - 2:36pm

i believe that if you take into consideration HOW MUCH your family loves you you will understand and be patient when they receive the news of your reconciliation with less than enthusiasm.

they will be wondering:what if he does it again, can she stand another betrayal.

they have no alliances to him; you are their primary concern. and white what peace says is true "it is your life", remember family is always there no matter what.

perhaps you could suggest HE meet with your dad and or your mom, perhaps a sister/brother. explain to them that what he did to you was wrong and he never intends to go down that path again.

hopefully this has served as a warning to your husband - all that glitters is not gold.

good luck to you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2009
Sun, 02-08-2009 - 8:54pm
All I can say is this is your life and you are the only one who can make this decision.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-08-2008
Mon, 02-09-2009 - 5:56pm

Just tell them the truth. Tell they that they may not agree but that you want to give your marriage one more chance. Tell them that it might not work but you want to at least know that you tried everything.


The only time you to wonder what you tell friends or family is if you forgive him more than once, so make a decision, that if he changes hiis mind and goes back to the skank, that it's OVER! no more teeter tottering.

Avatar for cirrus1993
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2003
Mon, 02-09-2009 - 11:04pm

I did the same thing. I was in such utter shock when I found out, I just spoke out loud to everyone I worked with and all my friends.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-24-2008
Tue, 02-10-2009 - 8:19pm
Thanks for the advice, everyone. Now, I have an even bigger problem. My DH has been home now for almost two weeks, and I can honestly say it has been going great - we spend more time together, we talk alot, we laugh. He has reassured me constatantly that he wants to be with me and he is happy with his decision, and he seems happy. He has been showing me text messages that the OW has sent him, and let me check his phone. Yesterday I get a call on my own phone from the OW and talked to her for a few hours! It was weird, to say the least. She told me that she realizes that the time they spent together was all a lie, and that she no longer wants anything to do with him - she's going to move away in a month and not let anyone know where she is or what her number is. I think that sounded great! She also told me if my DH tried to contact her in anyway she would let me know. She also said there is just one thing that she needs to do, and that she would like both me and DH present. Once she says her piece she'll leave us alone. I had a sinking feeling I knew what this news would be. Yep, was right. Last night she reads DH a letter and lets him know she is pregnant, and showed him the ultrasound to prove it. He sat there for like five minutes and just stared at it, then stood up and walked outside in the pouring rain. Me and the OW just sat there. Should we go after him? Leave him alone? She then tells me she's going to go look for him, and I said, well, if you are, then I am too. So we both got in my car and drove around for a bit looking for him, but couldn't find him. She then says, well i'd better get back to my apartment, i'm sure he's waiting there for me. I also went home and sat there freaking out yet again. This is it, I know it, he's going to leave me for her. While we were both waiting she calls me again and lets me know her mind is still made up, she wants to have the baby, but never see DH again. While she was talking to me, my DH comes home. Crying. Upset. But at my house. We talked for a little bit and he tells me he wishes so bad this baby was ours, not hers. The whole thing hits me especially hard because for the five years that we have been married I have wanted a child so BAD, but he keeps telling me he isn't sure. Now, he's gonna have one, but not with me. It was a rough night. This afternoon I get another text from the OW telling me she's still made up her mind to have no more contact with him, and that she is leaving. Okay, later on from that I get a message from my husband telling me he's going to pick me up from work, then go to her house to talk about things with her. Once again I freak out, he's made his decision, he wants to be with her, they are going to have a baby, this is my final sign to end this. We come home and he again reassures me he wants to be with me, he wants to be wwith me, please don't worry, I'm just going over there for a while and then I'll be home. I start crying and let him know I'm sure he'll stay, and why can't he just tell me that so I know? NO, he wants to be with me, he'll be home, he'll come home to me. So, here I am sitting in our apartment (she, by the way, also lives in this building downstairs!!!) waiting to see if he will come home. How long do I wait? SHould I just take this as a sign that it is over? Was it wrong for him to go down there and talk about this baby stuff with her? What should I do, I need help!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2007
Tue, 02-10-2009 - 9:15pm

Alison .... get your coat on and go down there to see what's going on. Don't let them make out that it's nothing to do with you. This is your problem as much as it is theirs. No more meetings without you to discuss the pregnancy. If he doesn't want to lose you, then you make the rules. Any decisions about staying or going are yours, not his.


You are the one who has been badly hurt.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 02-11-2009 - 10:52am
I'd see an attorney pronto and I wouldn't agree to anything until I had DNA proof in hand that it is indeed your H's baby.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2008
Wed, 02-11-2009 - 12:17pm

Seeing a

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