cheated on with... prostitutes?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-13-2010
cheated on with... prostitutes?
5
Mon, 09-13-2010 - 7:09am

There was an incident shortly after I married my husband, where I found out that he'd been having hour-long conversations with a female friend. I knew she existed, but he had acted as if he didn't speak to her very much and she was just an acquaintance. So, when I found out... I made it very clear that this constitutes an emotional affair, even if there was no sex (which I believed there wasn't) and that since he violated my trust he was to never have contact with her again. I made it very clear that if he ever, EVER, lied to me again in our marriage - even a lie so small as what he had for breakfast - I would be out the door and never look back. He knows about my childhood, with lying parents and about my serious relationship before him which was physically and emotionally abusive.

Fast forward three years, and I discover that he recently ran into her again and exchanged phone numbers. And hid it from me. That was bad enough, but then I did more snooping and saw... he had quite a few phone numbers he'd hidden from me. Thanks to the wonder of Google, I see that the numbers are from prostitutes advertisements on the internet.

First, he tried to say that he was calling around to schedule massages for us - regular, spa massages, as he has a bad back and I have a chronic pain condition - and that he "ended up calling a few places that weren't what they seemed to be!" Innocently, of course. Well, when I told him that I already saw the ads and it's pointless to lie because there was certainly no ambiguity to these ads: they clearly stated they were female prostitutes looking for male clients, he pretended to come clean and "admit" that he called them.

He insisted that he never actually met up with any of them. That he doesn't know what he was thinking and is "so sorry" for even thinking of betraying me. But... then I'm going through phone records, and I discover TWO of the prostitutes numbers were dialed from his cell phone in August when I was out of town. I had spoken to him on the phone the day they were dialed and he'd told me he'd injured his back and gotten a massage from a local place. A regular massage.

I confront him with THIS new proof, and he feigns confusion and says he doesn't know what's going on. So, blah blah, I'm sure you can imagine that conversation. Let's just say it included me throwing a glass across the room (no, not at him, however much he may deserve it) and he finally admits to calling the woman, BUT! While she WAS naked, she did REALLY just rub his back because she was also a real masseuse, not JUST a 'happy ending' masseuse. Ok, now I'm so disgusted and fed up with his lies I just give up and end the conversation.

He swears that, while he understands that I am going to get tested no matter what he says and he understands that I don't believe him, he SWEARS there was no sexual contact. He says he'll be glad to get tested too, if I want - and I tell him "I don't want you to get tested for me, I want you to get tested for the sake of the poor woman you end up with in the future."

sPEAKING OF: I had him call the woman, mentioned in the beginning of the post, and have a conversation with her on speakerphone without her knowing I was listening. I'm confident he didn't have sex with her, based on that conversation. But I am not by any means confident he didn't have sex with the prostitutes.

I guess I just want to know, from those of you who've dealt with this, have you EVER heard of a man calling prostitutes and not using them? I mean, don't get me wrong... it's over, even if I believed that, it would be over. Jesus, lies are the worst thing anyone could do to me, and these aren't just lies, it's cheating. Physical contact or not, this: is cheating. It's Saturday, he's known that *I* know since Wednesday, why can't he just fess up?

I guess the worst part is, I'm unemployed, and he has all the power. I'm trapped in this place with him until I save up enough to move out. And no, I don't want him to move - *I* want to move. I have no ties to this city without him, and I want a fresh start. I have friends that are like family to me in other cities and states, and I'm deciding which one of them I'd like to live near... but I'm trapped, and I hate him for that. I got a couple thousand dollars from my fathers death earlier this year, in February, that I could have used to leave him. Why couldn't he just let me go when I had the power to go?

Maintaining my self control and being the person I want to be has been the hardest. I have a past of NSSI (non-suicidal self-injury). I already crossed the line I set for myself about no violence (breaking the glass) and I did have a small relapse of NSSI, I burned myself. I don't know if anyone here has any experience with that, but let me add the disclaimer just in case: I am recovered, have been for years, this was a relapse and I've regained the control I need not to relapse again, and people like me are educated on how to give in to these urges without causing serious harm. (e.g. cutting or burning too deep, etc.) But I seriously don't know how long I can be here without breaking more glasses or giving in to that side of myself. I want to punch holes in him, and definitely *won't* do that, but I may punch a wall.

And recovery is hard work, folks. I hate that side of myself, but I know it well and I have done the work... having these feelings come back isn't fair. I worked so hard to be mentally healthy again, before I met him, before all of this. It isn't fair that my hard work is compromised, that I am burdened with the consequences of HIS actions while he sits on the couch watching football.

And I may not be able to get out for weeks. Meanwhile, I yearn for the truth he won't give me. To sum all of this up: WTF.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Mon, 09-13-2010 - 8:55am

I am so sorry you have experienced this misery.

I am worried about you with your past history and do not want to see this cause you to slip back into your old ways.

Are you 100% certain it is over with your H? If it is, and you may be at risk living there, would it be better to just move in with a girlfriend and get a job where you want to be?

Don't have your peace rest with your H and whether or not he can be honest with you . . . it sounds like he is having a great deal of trouble in that area and may never be able to give you what you need.

Keep breathing in and out and please stay safe,
IM

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2009
Mon, 09-13-2010 - 12:45pm

Wanderlust,



First, Iam so sorry you find yourself here, but there are many here will very helpful advice.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-13-2010
Mon, 09-13-2010 - 7:30pm

Thanks fitnessmom_2009 and imommy22boys.

I am absolutely certain it is over... I've read a lot of advice these past few days online, about how to get over an affair if you want to save the marriage, how he has to be 100% open and honest and ready to prove to you that he's not doing anything behind your back, turning over his phone, etc. And the thing is, I've been through that already. I went through that when I found out he'd been talking to this woman right after we were married. And phone conversations may not seem like that big of a deal, but they definitely were.

We both had the bad luck to get fired from our jobs after we got married, so the beginning of our marriage was a hard time for us and he turned to another woman instead of me. That was unnacceptable to me, and it took a long time to build that trust up again. The knots in my stomach when I'd go through his phone, when I'd get on his computer and check the history, when I put a keylogger on it without his knowledge... and we got through it, and I told myself it was a mistake, that cheating his not WHO he is... just one mistake that he made, you know? And now this, all over again, but 1000 times worse. I can't go through that torture again. I refuse. I deserve to be calm, and peaceful; not a paranoid wreck.

So yeah, it's over.

I've read the 180, and some of it was helpful - I am actually going to read it again, now that I'm a little calmer and can absorb it better. And we actually had a talk last night, for two hours, where he finally opened up and answered more of my questions, and honestly I feel a lot better thanks to that. And I actually believe, a LITTLE bit, maybe, that he didn't get to take it as far as sex. But I still absolutely will not entertain the thought of staying married to someone who has wasted 3 years of my life after I made my (very reasonable and minimal) expectations abundantly clear: No lies, period, ever, no matter what. I don't think that was too much to ask, right? It's weird, I've never cheated on anyone in my life. But everyone has always cheated on me. And I can't wrap my mind around that mentality. It never occurred to me cheat, even when I was stuck in an abusive relationship and I would have had every right to seek comfort outside the relationship. It's just mind boggling to me...

And I don't blame myself, exactly, it's just discouraging I guess. I don't have any friends in this area, and I can't move myself and my belongings anywhere without help from my uncle (who has a truck) who doesn't know when he can make it up to this state. I plan on staying with them temporarily while I seek an apartment in the city of my choice, but for the next few weeks I need to focus on saving money.

Thanks for the replies, because while my friends will cry with me, they don't...KNOW. I need to rant to people who know, even if it's strangers on the internet.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Tue, 09-14-2010 - 8:40am

You sound so much stronger and in a much better place (although I know that can change minute by minute). And don't think we all don't hear you about the 'phone calls being a big deal' -- most of us here KNOW they are a big deal!

Feel free to lean on us whenever you need a boost. This board of strangers are actually lifesavers in disguise ;o)

Hugs,
IM

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2009
Tue, 09-14-2010 - 8:09pm

please do not add insult to injury by waiting or expecting him to disclose all that happened between he and the women - HELL WILL FREEZE OVER FIRST.

i truly believe that men are born with a certain dna strand that mandates 'if you cheat, never, ever come clean - NO MATTER WHAT'.

my husband also contacted prostitutes for massages. paid as much as $250.00 for them. but when confronted with her name and number written on paper from his office in his writing along with the cell phone bill showing the number he still chose to lie.

and me, i tortured myself, wondering, crying why, why, why????????? there are no answers. it is what it is.

BUT, please know that his actions, his lies, his choices are his and his alone. they in no way reflect back on you. men like your husband and mine are self indulgent, focused on the wrong head. obsessed with the darker side of sex. they have no perception of what it takes to truly have a wonderful sex life with their partner. what my husband did changed us forever. his choices basically built a wall around my desire for him. i no longer felt safe, i no longer felt special, i no longer felt that i was the one who rocked his boat - all that i found out that he did with them including anal sex totally changed my view of him.

i would caution you from becoming totally consumed with what he did like i did. for several years i allowed his cheating to take control over me. the mind chatter, the pictures, it was hard to go for thirty minutes without it entering into my mind. while you have suffered a loss, and it will take time to process and grieve the loss of what you thought you had it is imperative that you begin to live for you. learn to love you first. you are so worth it.