Cheated On, Separated, Lonely, Confused, Unsure

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2007
Cheated On, Separated, Lonely, Confused, Unsure
Tue, 12-28-2010 - 10:16am

I found out that my wife was having an affair last December 11th.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-02-2007
Tue, 12-28-2010 - 1:02pm
Hi, Luigi
I am very sorry you are in such a sad situation. You say that you have known about your wife's wandering ways for a year now, and that nothing has changed. I'm afraid that is what you wife is counting on now. You know that quote about doing the same thing repeatedly yet expecting a different outcome? That's the definition of crazy. IMO, it sounds like your wife has little or no respect for you.

I would encourage you to go back and read everything you can on this board. I would also like for you to look at the 180 rules. I'm afraid I don't know how to send you a link (and too old to learn), but I did paste it here for you. It is not original, but it bears repeating. I'm sending you good thoughts.

For those who have not seen this.. It really does help you gain back a bit more control over yourself and empowerment.

Here is the list of the "180" items that is frequently mentioned in this and other forums. It is NOT a guideline to getting your spouse back or waking him/her up from Affair Fantasyland. Rather, it's a way to gain your own control and stop make the BS and his/her A the center of your life. Not every point will pertain to every situation. Lily

Fence Sitters

Fence sitting, cake eating, call it what you will, it can often cause the betrayed spouse more pain than the revelation of the affair itself.

So, what can you do to knock him off that damn fence? Another option is "doing a 180". This approach was put together by Michelle Weiner-Davis in her Divorce Busting books. Essentially it is a combination of both Plan A and Plan B.

Weiner-Davis puts together a list of do's and donts for those dealing with a fog filled spouse which include;

1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.
2. No frequent phone calls.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage.
4. Do not follow her around the house.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future.
6. Do not ask for help from family members.
7. Do not ask for reassurances.
8. Do not buy gifts.
9. Do not schedule dates together.
10. Do not spy on spouse.
11. Do not say "I Love You".
12. Act as if you are moving on with your life.
13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive.
14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.
15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words.
16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING.
17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what she will be missing
19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show her someone she would want to be around.
20. All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while).
21. Never lose your cool.
22. Don't be overly enthusiastic.
23. Do not argue about how she feels (it only makes their feelings stronger).
24. Be patient
25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you.
26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out.
27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil).
28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly.
29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.
30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy.
31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse.
32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because she is hurting and scared.
33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes.

The logic of this approach lies in the all too often fact that the wayward spouse feels the betrayed spouse are a "given" in their lives and that they (the wayward spouse) are the arbiter of whether the marriage survives (after all, it is all about them). By pulling back, by getting on with your own life and disengaging from the wayward spouse, you tempt them to follow you and away from the Other Person. Kind of like twitching a piece of string in front of a kitten and getting them to follow it across the room. The benefit for the betrayed spouse, even if the marriage does not survive is that both Plan B and the 180 help rebuild self esteem and self reliance which will stand you in good stead regardless.


Divorce Busting by Michele Weiner Davis

His Needs Her Needs by Willard Harley and Jennifer Chalmers
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2006
Tue, 12-28-2010 - 7:59pm

i am sorry you find yourself here, on this board.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2008
Thu, 12-30-2010 - 11:54am

Hi Luigi

Now is the time to demand what you want from the relationship

No contact with this other man is what needs to happen, she cannot be friends with this person

you can demand access passords to her email, ability to check the cell phone bill whatever it is that you need

you are in control (I know it does not feel like it) her reaction will tell you all you need to know

you have to demand what you need, or move on

being in limbo or being a f*c* buddy is not acceptable if that is not what YOU want

she messed up it is up to her to fix it and up to you to set the tone on how it can be done

more often than not, things will not change unless you are willing to walk away and really mean it

she is most likely getting an ego high on having 2 men pining after her, do not let her use you this way - only you can stop it

Peace & Strength to you

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-19-2003
Thu, 12-30-2010 - 4:25pm

I have been married for 38 yrs. and have experienced the agony of my husbands seriel affairs (5 affairs) If I knew then what I know now I would have filed for and carried through with a divorce during his first affair. You have collected enough evidence to assure that she is still involved with this older man. I suggest that you focus on yourself right now. You cannot change her but you can change you. I have spent more years of my life worrying about my husband and his antics than I care to think about. Move on. Life is to short. Sending positive energy your way.


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-18-2003
Tue, 01-04-2011 - 5:22pm
Caryn D. Stein
Director of Community, | Contact Us
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-18-2003
Tue, 01-04-2011 - 5:23pm
Caryn D. Stein
Director of Community, | Contact Us