Cheated on but want to try again? Help!!

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anonymous user
Registered: 12-31-1969
Cheated on but want to try again? Help!!
4
Thu, 08-30-2012 - 10:03am

Hi All. I have been lurking for a while and have finally decided to post. I have been with my bf for 11 years now, we have two sons and over the years have been a victim of 'serial infidelity', until the last one where he fathered a child. We were living in different countries when this happened (for 1.5 years) however we talked online almost everyday so this was definitely a shock for me. I tried to make it work but it was too much for me so I put him out. It has been 2 months now, and we have never stopped talking during this time, as you see we have been friends since we were 11 years old...I am 33 now.

He says he is really sorry and we have had many chats about it where we both spoke about what we feel went wrong in the relationship. I am at the point where I would like to give us one last try before I call it quits. I want us to go to councelling and he is willing to go also.

However I keep feeling like I am Stupid...if you know what I mean. Like why would I take him back except if I was desperate. I know many women in my situation have done the same but I cannot help how I feel. I love him but I feel weak and stupid. I am scared if I leave what the future holds and to be honest I need his help. I got a job that requires a lot of travel. My mother is here with me now but I cannot keep her hostage in my house.

I am soo happy when we talk but I feel so sad at times too.

The biggest thing for me as silly as it may sound is how I will look to other people. Those who know my situation all say "leave him" and some have even said, if I go back and get hurt don't come back to them. Going back with him may in essence make me lose some friends (not as serious as that but if you understand, things will not be the same), but with all of that, I have made up my mind and I am going to try again.

Anyone in this situation? How did you deal with it? Any comments welcomed.

Avatar for khatru1
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2004
Thu, 08-30-2012 - 4:20pm
From what you have laid out here, I tend to agree with your friends. You have SERIAL infidelity going on, not just once.

I understand you have talked quite a bit about this together, your relationship, what went wrong. I do not see any mention of counseling. After so much infidelity, I would think a counselor should be involved to really get to the heart of the issues.
Avatar for pater_familia
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2008
Fri, 08-31-2012 - 10:51am

Hopefull,

I get where you are coming from. My spouse and I had been married for 18 years, we had 5 kids, I had just spent the previous five years trashing my career, making the necessary sacrifices to put her through college. She was about to graduate, all our dreams were about to come true. That's when she invited me to move out, and shortly after that, I found out about the other men.

There is a lot at stake.

The fact was, neither of us was pulling our weight in the relationship. When she invited me to move out, I planted my feet and said no. If she was unhappy, I and the kids would do our best without her. I invited her to move out. When it became clear to her that I wasn’t going to roll over, and was willing to step up and do my part, In her own way, she stepped up also. Otherwise it would not have worked out.

The best way for this to work out is to prepare to start living alone. That is what the 180 is about. Preparing to live alone, setting clear boundaries for both of you, NO more second chances. In my mind, this includes, hiring a lawyer, learning your legal rights, and individual counseling for both of you. I demanded that our councilors communicated with each other and that my councilor be made aware if progress was being made with my spouse and her therapy. That may sound controlling but I’m the betrayed spouse. I’m the one who’s lost trust. I wasn’t spending a fortune so that these ladies could play nicey nicey in their sessions. I expected my spouse to share with me the lessons she was learning, not necessarily out of strictness, but because we both had ah-ha moments from both of our therapy visits and it became a healing experience to share these nuggets of maturation with each other.

After a particularly bad night, I called her therapist and she agreed to meet my spouse over her lunch hour. As I sat in the lobby, a lady who was bringing in her grandson was sitting with me and saw the dread on my face. She told me that she divorced her spouse after 35 years of marriage. She said that as hard as that was, there was life after divorce. Even a good life!

I think the point is, as we prepare ourselves for moving on without our Significant Other, we find the power in the relationship to set the terms for another person to live with us. If for you, that happens to be your boy, then he’s got some ground to cover doesn’t he? All you have to do is articulate the ground rules, lay out the penalties, and then STICK TO IT. The spouse that cares the least has all the power. This has to be you now. Chin up, you can do this and if you do, you won’t feel like a fool because it is all on him now.

Sending good vibes

Tom

Thomas

We have five kids. Our D-Day was in August, 2008.