Cheating with "erotic massage"

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-17-2009
Cheating with "erotic massage"
3
Mon, 10-24-2011 - 12:09pm

I discovered last week that my husband has been receiving so-called erotic massages and oral sex from prostitutes over the past year. He was approached at school by the first woman, and then discovered the others online. When confronted with the evidence, he immediately came clean about the whole thing...

I keep asking him about details. He's been very honest in his answers, and yet as much as I have a compulsion to know, it makes me sick. I cry and cry. I feel fat and ugly and completely undesirable. At the same time, though, I have a sexual desire again for my husband that has been gone since the birth of our first child 2 1/2 years ago.

My reaction to this whole thing is very physical. When I think about it I can't breathe, get chest pain and nauseated, and end up in the bathroom...

We had problems before in the marriage. We had grown very distant. I was angry and controlling, and he was passive. It was like two people living parallel lives, but it still doesn't excuse what he did. But it still feels like I'm at least partially responsible. At times the hurt is absolutely overwhelming. We have begun marriage counseling, and he has an appointment with a therapist as well. I love him, I don't want the marriage to end.

But I'm so scared. Am I normal? Please help.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2008
Thu, 10-27-2011 - 3:56pm

the sexual desire you are feeling is called hysterical bonding (you can google it)

I went through it too but it fades over time

peace & strength to you

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
Tue, 10-25-2011 - 3:30am

First of all, care enough about yourself to get tested.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2011
Mon, 10-24-2011 - 4:30pm
Jen- when you find out about a spouses betrayel it completely levels you. I am so sorry for your heart ache and pain. It's physical pain and emotional pain. I too had renewed desire for spouse right after. I don't know if it was natures way of claiming what is ours or what. For me it didn't last. The desire and my lack of self worth didn't last, I replaced them with anger over what he had done, a new sense of purpose in myself, alot of confusion. I will take responsibility for my part in a failed marriage. I will never take blame for his affair. He had many other options to choose vs hurting me and potentially destroying the lives of our little boys. My overall physical symptoms lasted about 3 months. I lost 15 pounds most of them in the 1st 4 weeks. I could go many days with out eating, I was just sick. I also was on a high of adrenaline from the shock I think.. I am 5.5 months out. I am far from healed and I am forever changed.

Please hug yourself, kiss your child. Hold your head up. Realize you are not to blame for what he has done. He is. You are not ugly or flawed or defective in anyway. He is. You have your loyalty, your honesty and your integrity intact. He does not.

Please make sure he gets tested for STD's and you as well. It is time for you to focus on you and what you need to stay safe and healthy. See an attorney for a consult. Figure out where you stand legally. Your husband will understand that you are very serious about your marriage and that IF the marriage fails, you have a plan b.

Take care, you are not alone. There are many wise women who can give you words of wisdom to help you thru your journey. I'm still a rookie with many more miles to travel.