cheating husband having anal sex

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2014
cheating husband having anal sex
15
Wed, 01-29-2014 - 9:23pm

i am over 60, have been married for 27 years. 10 years ago my husband had several affairs with women he contacted on the internet. after much soul-searching we stayed together as we didn't want to break up our family. I told him if he ever did it again our marriage would be over. I recently found out he has been having another affair and am planning to divorce him. He has told me that he was dis-satisfied with our sex life as I wouldn't give him what he wanted. I asked him what he meant and he said 'anal sex and lots of other things you would find disgusting'. This has completely destroyed me. I feel like I am going insane. It has come as too much of a shock.I understand some people enjoy these activities, they were just not for me.Is this my fault.I feel so unwanted and a complete failure as a wlfe.I now face a lonely single life feeling I am incapable of satisfying any man .Please help

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2007
Thu, 01-30-2014 - 8:11am

Hello Sadposy,

This is not your fault.  You did nothing wrong.  He is a piece of sh&*!!!!!

I just caught my XBF attempting to cheat on me via internet and dumped his a$$ about a month ago…

This is not your fault!!!  Your H is not going to say, “I am a loser that is why I am cheating,” he is going to blame you; like my XH did and like my XBF tried to do (Ex.  XBF me the fact that I have kids and work the weekends is a deal breaker for him. After almost four years? Yet posts on his match profile that he will date a woman with kids and wants someone in medical profession. Hello???!!! Most nurses work weekends!!! I have been at my hospital for 14 years and still can’t get weekends????!!!!)

Basically, it is just an excuse…He knows I can’t change my schedule and can’t make my kids disappear so he is going to lie with that excuse. 

Your H cheated on you once and is doing it again. Get rid of him!!!!! You are a beautiful lovely woman who doesn’t deserve this treatment.    Please please please please find an attorney and get into counselling!! Post as much as you can...we are all here for you…Sending hugs!!!

Christy 

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2007
Thu, 01-30-2014 - 8:15am

By the way, my XH liked anal sex…Not my thing…

When I met my XBF; I let it be known that my XH liked anal sex and NEVER TO ASK ME TO DO THAT…

He began hemming and hawing…Shoulda got a clue way back then and kicked his royal a$$ to the curb..But sometimes I am slow…Turns out XBF loves anal sex…

There are good men out there who are not like this…

NEXT!!!! 

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2014
Thu, 01-30-2014 - 8:49am
Thanks Christy, I know you are right.It's just so hard to realise the inevitable after spending half of my life with him. I have found a lawyer and I have an appointment next week for counselling.It seems a long wait! Thanks for your support
Avatar for mahopac
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-1997
Thu, 01-30-2014 - 9:07am

This is NOT your fault.  Please understand that in a happy marriage, if one person wants a variety of sexual activity that's not part of the usual repertoire, they *ask* the other partner if they'd be willing to try it. In a happy marriage, the other person considers it and if it doesn't revolt them to try it, they do, but if it does, they say so - and the more adventurous partner accepts that.  The keys are communication and respect.

You already know that your H did not respect the vows he made because of his prior affairs.  However if he was unhappy then, he should have talked to you and you should have gone to counseling together.  Regardless, having affairs is not the way to resolve an uninspiring sex life.  Communicating with your partner is.

You are not a failure as a wife.  He is a failure as a husband!  As sad as it is, you will be better off alone than living with someone who doesn't treat you with the dignity you deserve.  You will not necessarily be lonely forever either, and not all men want sex out of a porn movie.  I feel for your sadness, but I just wanted to say, you are not a failure.  Your marriage failed because of your husband's choices.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Thu, 01-30-2014 - 12:03pm

You need to lighten up on yourself!  This is NOT your fault.  If you don't like the things he likes, then he should have been a real man and left you years ago to find a woman who DID like those things.  Instead, he chose to be a slimebag and cheat on you.  Did he ever ASK you to do those things you "found disgusting"?  Or is that just his excuse for cheating on you?  I think it's his excuse, nothing more.  HE is the failure, not you.  Now you have to stop the "poor me" pity party.  60 is the new 40.  You aren't OLD!!!!  You may or may not spend the rest of your life alone.  But you will spend it happily away from the cheater you've been married to for too many years.  A "single life" isn't lonely, unless you make it that way.  There are all kinds of activities for singles of all ages.  There must be things you've always wanted to do......like learn a new language......learn to dance.....take some community college courses aimed at seniors.  You feel unwanted?  Yes, HE doesn't want you.  That doesn't mean someone else wouldn't want you!  HE isn't representative of all men.  You are incapable of satisfying any man?  PLEASE!  You only know ONE man......not all men are like he is......in fact I'd think that most men aren't like he is.  This is NOT the end of the world.  You've lived with him so long you've forgotten yourself.....you think of yourself as half of a marriage.........well, now it's YOUR turn to start living a good life, with responsibilities to no one but yourself.  You start by getting yourself a GOOD lawyer that will get all you are entitled to, and then make plans to move on with your life......whether you stay where you are and he leaves, or vice versa.  Life is good if you look ahead and enjoy it.......stop looking back!  Yesterday is history, Tomorrow is mystery, today is a gift, that's why it's called the present.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2014
Thu, 01-30-2014 - 2:03pm
Thank you so much.We went to counselling ten years ago and for a short time the communication improved but not for long. I realise now that he was just going through the motions so we didn't break up the family.So here we are again, but it will not happen a third time. He only gets one second chance! There's such a lot of 'stuff' to be sorted, it's a daunting prospect and I am still in shock.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2014
Thu, 01-30-2014 - 2:09pm

Thank you again, you are absolutely right. I know it all myself really. I am just feeling a bit weak with the revelations that keep emerging. I will be okay,I know that.It is just so hard to get through this long tunnel to the light at the end.I love your comment about the 'present'. That will be my new motto , thanks again, it really helps to have my thoughts confirmed.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2014
Thu, 01-30-2014 - 6:18pm
i am so glad you said you didn't like anal either! I was left thinking there was something wrong with me because I wasn't very keen. I never actually said no, we never discussed it, he just assumed I wouldn't!
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-12-2010
Fri, 01-31-2014 - 11:46am
Awh sadposy, I am so sorry to hear that you are experiencing this at this time in your life, but one thing I found out 5.5 years ago after my DH's A is that I cannot control what my DH does. I can only safeguard myself to make sure that his actions NEVER break me down the way it did when I found out. I went to a very dark scary place, and I truly understood how ppl could actually murder someone. Thank God I didn't act on those distorted thoughts I had back then. The problem with your DH is that he encountered a woman who has so little value for herself that she was willing to do ANYTHING to please your DH. Her self worth was so low that she put a MM's needs before her own. Don't try to compete with those low life women he has encountered while wallowing in the nasty sea of infidelity. You can't compete because you value who you are, what you stand for and what you are willing to do to please your man. My DH and I have always been uninhibited in the bedroom where anything goes as long as it is not painful for either of us and it doesn't involve a third party, so that goes to show you that when ppl cheat it isn't always because they are missing something in the bedroom. That is just an excuse your DH is making. He is deflecting his own flaws on you. If anal s*x isn't something you are comfortable with then don't do it in fear that some other skanky POS OW will do it for him. I say let her do it and let him have her. Once you are gone from your DH's life and he gets a taste of being with a woman with low morals and low self worth he will eventually see that having a woman with integrity, character, and self esteem is better than a home wrecking wh*re who sleeps with MM. You will be fine at 60. Get your mind, body and spirit to the best level that you can. In the five years since D-Day, I lost 30 lbs; I have started running and body building and had a tummy tuck for me. I am at a place where physically I look good, spiritually I am in a good place, financially, I have a lot of cash stored away, and mentally I am good as well. Although our M is really good now and my DH did a lot of work to show me he is a better man he knows that if he EVER brings a skank into our M again I will drop his crap off on her door step and put him out of my life for good. Don't feel bad about not compromising your beliefs for your DH and don't ever think that you are too old to fall in love again. There is a man out there who is looking for a woman with integrity, morals and who doesn't compromise who she is just for a piece of a man. There is a man out there who will make you smile again and he will walk the same high moral ground as you. Good luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2007
Fri, 01-31-2014 - 2:42pm

Sadposy,

I agree with Ivil…Good luck…You deserve better and we are here for you to post anytime.

Ivil I just wanted to post and tell you Kudos!!!!J

Christy

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