Cheating Husband? Secretly Texting Coworker.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2012
Cheating Husband? Secretly Texting Coworker.
4
Sat, 04-28-2012 - 4:25am
I found out my husband of 7 years has been texting his assistant more than I would have liked to seen. They work alone togehter and he is the boss. I found 110 text messages in Jan. 69 text messages in Feb. Some of the text go back and forth the longest being 28 messages back and forth the next longest being 19 messages back and forth. Some of these are during business hours but the ones that bother me the most are very early before work (6:50 am - 8:30 am) along with her sending him some picture text too in the early hours inbetween these long text. There were some after work too but not as many of these because at this point hes at home and I'm sure that would have made me start wondering what was up. He also always deletes all of his messages before he would come home in the evening and when I asked him about this once he said it was b/c he liked to save memory on his phone and didn't like to keep old text in his phone. Recently some things happened that he lied to me about so I checked our phone bill online and thats when I found all these text I mentioned above. He tells me there just friends and that he had to keep this secret because he knew I wouldn't react well and be jealous and read too much into it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-1999
Welcome to the club. :-( even if they are friendly or work related the lying is just wrong. You don't lie if you have nothing to hide and you don't delete like that if there is nothing to hide.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Sat, 04-28-2012 - 11:54am

Have you read the context of the texts? If so what are the non business ones about? Personally, I didn't like the non business chit chat texts back and forth between my H and a female coworker when I saw them, even though what I saw was not really flirtatious but more the joking around between them type of texts. In my opinion on the one hand this could all be innocent, but on the other hand this type of thing can easily turn flirtatious with just one flirtatious text and spiral from there. I don't like the fact that he's deleting them though. So is he deleting ALL of his unecessary daily text or just the ones from her to "save memory" ? If you think he's specifically just deleting the ones from her then I'd probably be a bit more concerned that maybe it's more than "just friends". I'm not saying he's having an affair, but the "were just friends line" is what we all hear before we find out that it's more than that. Does he keep his phone locked up with a code? And if so do yo have it if you'd ever need to use his phone? There is a book by Shirley Glass called "Not just friends" that specifically talks about this type of thing that you could probably get on amazon for pretty cheap. Very nteresting read.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008

Had the very same thoughts.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2012

He deletes all off his text not just hers. I have caught a couple that have come in while he was a sleep and it wasn't anything alarming but like I said before I assume that she knows after hours I'm around and she most likely isn't sending the number or the types they may normally have when they are texting in the very early hours. After I caught him with all of this he put a lock on his phone and changed all of the passwords including our phone bill password. Told me he didn't want to have to live like a criminal. We are now going thru a divorce and he still denys everything. He offered to move from this area and start anew or go to counseling. But I can't get over the fact that if nothing was happening why would he need to move ... plus he says alot of things that really make me think he did ... like admitting to it without admitting. He swears up and down he was never physical but I think if anything definitely an EA was going on. He has admitted he didn't feel appreciated or like he could tell me things about his day. He also told me that he felt sexually inadequate to me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
Sat, 04-28-2012 - 10:36pm

Obviously your intuition is on guard here, and I happen to think with good reason.  I say that because all the reasons he gave you for splitting up are things we hear here quite frequently.  Plus....those are all things couples can WORK ON rather than just going ahead and splitting up without working on them, if he's still committed to you then he should be begging you to do whatever it takes to avoid splitting up.  His comment about not wanting to live like a criminal, that's pretty common here, too, it's a smoke screen.  You don't hide things if there's nothing TO hide, it just isn't necessary.  When they take the steps he took, changing passwords, locking his phone, etc., what does he expect but that it simply makes existing suspicion turn into something worse?  Those steps are common with affairs, very common, so to me it makes it more likely this was an EA going on.  Texting at weird hours of the day, too, makes no sense unless....you clearly already know what I'm saying.  An EA can hurt just as badly as a PA, many think it hurts more since a PA can be a stupid one-time roll in the hay with someone you don't even know and never intend to see again, just because of willingness with no relationship at all.  An EA tends to indicate an actual relationship was already in place, which hurts many women more, it's scary.  But yes, you do deserve more than you are getting from him and I hope you get yourself tested, to play it safe - you deserve that, as well. 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2012

I did go get tested right away and luckily it all came back negative! Thanks to everyone for your responses it feels good to hear others not call me crazy as my spouse did but support and understand what I'm saying and how I feel. I really appreciate this!! Thanks to everyone!! I'm somewhat relieved to know that I found this out after 7 years with no kids than 20 years later with 3 kids. I can now move on and find someone that does respect the sanctity of marriage and the vows they make. Thanks to everyone again it means so much!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Sun, 04-29-2012 - 3:58am
You are soooo welcome sweetie. You are NOT crazy, but of course they have to call you that to justify their behavior. BTDT Good Luck with your new life. You do deserve soooo much better. Never ever forget that.