Cheating Wife

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2007
Cheating Wife
109
Sun, 11-04-2007 - 1:06am

I am a 47 yo married man with four children, ages 4-19. I am a profesional

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2007
Mon, 11-05-2007 - 1:26pm

Dear camille,


As I indicated in my first post, I am looking for any advice/opinions and you did give your advice and I read every word very carefully and took it to heart. I also closed my last post saying "I am strong enough for

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2007
Mon, 11-05-2007 - 2:13pm

Hi dagger-


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This is something I would urge you to carefully consider. I think many of us feel like doing this at first, but the results usually aren't very good if you do. If you call OM now before you have confronted your wife, he will likely just tell her so they can get their stories straight. The OM will most likely lie to you as well. I would enourage you to ask yourself if you really think you would get any more answers from him than you would get from your wife. And really, the answers you need lie with HER. Also, you would then have the wrath of the angry OM to deal with, so I would encourage you to think about if doing this will help you, or only complicate matters further.


As for his wife, I would say you have some time to think about this and consider it. If you plan to tell the other BS it is my firm belief that you need to have some concrete proof first. If you recorded any of those phone conversations, then you do have SOME proof to give her. But I would think about whether you think it would be better to tell the wife BEFORE you have confronted your wife, or if it would be better to wait until after, or not to tell at all and let their marriage be their issue to deal with.


I will tell you in my own case my H ended the affair, and OW tried every trick in the book to try to cover her butt with her H. She lied to him and tried to say that my H was "stalking" her- that it wasn't a mutual affair. I have hundreds of pages of phone and text records that say otherwise, plus other evidence that they were sexually involved. I also knew that someone else had called OW's H to "out" the affair to him, but somehow OW talked her way out of it. The word of one caller wasn't enough for him to believe it.


The OW harassed me for 4 months after my H ended the affair with her- it was a blow to her ego that my H chose me. She crossed the line one day when she made her 12 year old son get on the phone and say sexual things over my answering machine- things my H and OW had said to one another during the affair. I was VERY disturbed by this- not only for the fact that she was not going away despite my best attempts to ignore her, but I was also disturbed for her child. At that point I felt the need to call her H. I thought he should be aware that his wife was involving

Val                                   &n

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2007
Mon, 11-05-2007 - 8:05pm

Hi Val,


Thanks again for your in depth knowledge on this dreadful topic. However,

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2007
Mon, 11-05-2007 - 10:44pm

Hi dagger-


Thanks for the additional info. I have to say I'm still pretty puzzled about what could be driving your wife to do this, but there are a couple of things that bring up some ideas/possibilities.


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Val                                   &n

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2007
Tue, 11-06-2007 - 1:35am

Hi Val,


First off, I am very happy for you and your H for rebuilding your relationship.


With the caring and inciteful advice you have given me, you H is an EXTREMELY


lucky man to have woman like you. and I hope he realizes now what he has and


probably should of lost.


Okay, its 11:00 PM. I'm wide awake and have not taken my xanax yet (it does work, but I what to be very


careful not to get additived to it). I'll try and respond to your concerns in your last post but first, lets go back in time . We got married in May 1985. She already graduated from college and I had at least 1 year left. At first, we we going to live together.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2007
Tue, 11-06-2007 - 8:36am

dagger,


i just want to tell you how sorry i am that you have found yourself here. noone wants to be here but it is a great support system.


"Thank you dearly for listening again. Soryy, but I might still have to post more. I do need a hand to guild me."


val is a great hand to grab ahold of believe me she has helped me through a great deal. im not sure where i would be without her. she has some very good advice. you dont ever have to be sorry for posting, we all need to do that to help us get through it.


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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2007
Tue, 11-06-2007 - 9:57am

Hi Dagger-


First I wanted to thank you for your kind words. One thing my H has said to me often is that he "knows what he lost" (because we separated for a few months during his affair), and he swears he doesn't ever want to do something like that again. In rebuilding we've had some highs and lows, there have been setbacks, but when I look back over it all now I believe we have come a long way and our relationship is a different and better one than we had before. But I also know that I will be more watchful of him for a very long time, and there is more work to be done... but at least now both of us are putting in more of an effort than we ever have.


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I think I'm starting to get a clearer picture now. Before I get to that though, I just have to say that you are absolutely correct that looks really have nothing to do with it! The woman my H cheated with was VERY unattractive (she's a drug addict and LOOKED it, and also had scars on her face from an accident). She is a very manipulative type, so she lied to my H a lot (gave him a lot of sob stories), and she always played the victim. But she also stroked his ego and told him everything he wanted to hear. So basically my H felt like HE was better than her- he could be the "capable" one, he could be her "hero". In affairs, it is about what they getting OUT of it, and about how they FEEL when they are with the affair partner. It really has nothing to do with what the BS or affair partner are like as PEOPLE. They become almost addicted to what they are getting out of it to the point where it blinds them to the obvious flaws and pitfalls (the old "affair fog").


Now with your wife, I think I may be starting to see what's going on here. I am by NO means a professional, but I have some ideas to throw out here. First off, I am going to say that I am pretty sure some self-esteem issues are coming into play here. The fact that the guy from the first affair "made her feel like she was the only woman on the planet" says a lot. I think your wife may have always felt like she could never please her mother, never be "good enough", and could never "do enough". If this is the case, this might lead her to feel like she needs to go above and beyond to "do for others" in order to fill some need for attention, acceptance, and approval. The fact that the OM in the first affair was her BOSS could mean something too- maybe if he complimented her performance at work, this was giving her that "approval" she was looking for.


At the time of her first affair, you said your wife

Val                                   &n

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2007
Tue, 11-06-2007 - 10:09am

Hey YW! Thanks- you are so sweet. :) I want you to know that you've helped me through a lot too, and you were right there through it all from the beginning. You may never know how much talking with you has helped me out!


I think you gave dagger some great advice, by the way. I know for me that if I had ever seen two people involved in an emotional affair, and saw what their behavior looked like, I probably would have thought that it was inappropriate and a danger sign, but I never knew they actually had a NAME for it until I came here! I guess affairs are so ugly they are something we don't want to think about or read about until we have the unfortunate experience of being affected by one.


So how have things been going lately? If you get a chance, I'd love to hear an update! Take care-

Val

Val                                   &n

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2007
Tue, 11-06-2007 - 2:58pm

Hi Val,


iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2004
Tue, 11-06-2007 - 3:05pm

Hi daggar. I've been following this thread

Solazzo

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