Cheating Wife

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2007
Cheating Wife
109
Sun, 11-04-2007 - 1:06am

I am a 47 yo married man with four children, ages 4-19. I am a profesional

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2004
Tue, 11-06-2007 - 3:44pm

>>I NEVER SAID ANYTHING LIKE THIS. Why would she tell the OM this?<<


It's not unusual for the WS to rewrite history to enhance their justification of the A, their own fears, or thoughts about it all IMHO.


Perhaps she's upping the ante and telling the OM a tale to see what his response is to it...like is he offering to make their A a more permanent arrangement. I can't help but think that she may be sensing something different in your own demeanor that has her thinking she may just be out on her ear if you find out about the A. Perhaps she's lying to OM about this exchange as a way of testing his commitment to her if you end the marriage.

Solazzo

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2007
Tue, 11-06-2007 - 5:19pm

Hi Dagger-


"He is extremely intuitive (she is referring to me)

Val                                   &n

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2007
Tue, 11-06-2007 - 5:41pm

Thank you Solazzo for helping. You have no idea ( I guess you do)

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2004
Tue, 11-06-2007 - 6:24pm

I'm sorry I can't recommend anyone specifically in Denver.


Try the law society for a listing of family law lawyers. Some may offer a free consultation.


In my circumstances I actually asked my Corporate lawyer to recommend a good family law attorney. There was a possibility of having to use them both together because I had just bought a business and wanted to protect that asset (that was actually all debt). In any event, the family law lawyer charged $300.00 per hour at the time. I went to see him and discussed my specifics. I didn't contact him again until we were actually ready to divorce...two years later. I consider the $300.00 as money very well spent. An hour of his time had me perfectly positioned when it came time to finalize it all.


No one here thinks you're an idiot, we've all been in the same place wanting to be sure that there is really something amiss, wondering if we can ignore it and maybe it'll resolve itself, and eventually planning and strategizing about the least confrontational way to confront our spouse, get some answers and resolve it. That's normal, that's sane, that's what a person that is in a marriage that they want to stay in does.


It's clear to me that you're doing everything that you can to get to the bottom of it. When you've exhausted all the tests etc. is when you'll be able to confront the issue. Everyone seems to have a different breaking point on that, but like Val said, when you reach that place you address the issue. What I recognize from being on and around this board for a loooooong time, is that despite how different A's are, they have some basic similarities, and most BS share the same sorts of feelings and react in the same sorts of ways. Delaying taking action is a very common BS thing to do. So I'd be lying if I didn't tell you that I encourage people to act as swiftly as possible. I do that because I know how much it takes out of you while you're trying to determine how best to confront. It takes a lot of energy AFTER the confrontation as well, and the healing seems to go better if you're not emotionally exhausted by getting to that part. But we all do things in our own time frames and according to our comfort levels...hind sight is 20/20 after all... You can only do what you think is right for you.


Keep posting it really helps.

Solazzo


Solazzo

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-07-2007
Tue, 11-06-2007 - 6:58pm
If you walk away from your wife, she will quickly learn what she's missing. If not, you'll find someone who will treasure your affection. I would consider myself so blessed to have a man like you in my life.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-13-2007
Tue, 11-06-2007 - 6:59pm

Dagger,


Been reading your posts for a couple of days and been meaning to respond.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2007
Tue, 11-06-2007 - 7:39pm

Bless you Maitri.


I know I am a good person! I try to treat people exactly like I would like to be treated (men and woman alike). I do talk with a few co-workers and a few have said, your wife is one lucky woman. I think they say this

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2006
Tue, 11-06-2007 - 9:07pm

Try these people. They are supposedly the best divorce attorneys in the Denver area. I used them and they are great.

http://www.lawyers.com/Colorado/Littleton/Gutterman-Griffiths-PC-2509525-f.html

Hope this helps.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2007
Tue, 11-06-2007 - 9:47pm

Thank you Sciencelady42,


From the most of the divorces I've know about, most men get taken to the cleaners. I have no problem


supporting my children and hopefully gaining custody (or at least, partial), but I've heard the deck is stacked against men.


I really do not want to go this route, but if she has indeed been sexually intimate, than I will have no choice. I sound redundant, but I cannot forgive her a second time. I know there is a woman out there for me, but that is something I am not going to jump into too quickly. I must heal so I can give her my very best.


On step at a time.....................


Thanks again.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2007
Tue, 11-06-2007 - 9:54pm

Hi Dagger- Unfortunately I can't recommend a lawyer in the Denver area, but I can tell you that I had an initial consultation with an attorney for a minimal fee (less than hourly rate). I actually got most of the answers I needed just from that consultation, and then knew the next steps to take if I decided to proceed with anything. I do think it is very empowering to get the facts about your own situation. It helps you to feel more confident in the decisions you are making, and like I said earlier, it feels better to be doing SOMETHING (even if it's only planning) than to feel like you have no idea which way to go.


I think highwire had some great thoughts for you. I really have to agree with him that when you confront you should try not to let it become a "debate" about what she's doing. If you lay it out coolly and confidently, and don't buy into any "blaming" that she might try to do, I think the conversation will go more your way. Basically, don't give her any room to argue with you- you tell her the behavior is unacceptable. If you decide you do want to remain married to her then you must tell her that all contact with OM must end- and that point is NOT negotiable.


I also agree wholeheartedly with what he said about letting your feelings be known, and then leave it at that. If you decide you want to rebuild I think it works better if you keep THEM on the spot- basically tell them, the ball is in your court, and if you don't bother to pick it up, I will be GONE. That they have this one chance to make a decision, and if they can't hurry up and do it, then you are going to make their mind up FOR them. IMO if they don't decide to work on the marriage in a relatively short amount of time, then they may continue to waffle back and forth- may try to keep one foot in your world, and one foot in the other world.


I think highwire also gave you some good advice regarding the children. When emotions are running high, it can be easy to slip up and say or do something that isn't the best thing for them.


I do wish you lots of luck dagger, and I will say a prayer for you. Take care-

Val

Val                                   &n

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