Cheating Wife

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2007
Cheating Wife
109
Sun, 11-04-2007 - 1:06am

I am a 47 yo married man with four children, ages 4-19. I am a profesional

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2007
Wed, 11-07-2007 - 11:43pm

Hi Solazzo,


This sort of a copy and paste I sent to Val, but I want to pass it on to you also, because you are my other angel


Also, please listen to the Youtube link at the end. I think it was you who mentioned


to get your mind off it and do things you enjoy.


iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2004
Wed, 11-07-2007 - 11:43pm

Honestly I think she's on to you and what she's saying in the calls is to make you think that it's not a big deal.


Sorry, I call them as I see them.


Hugs,

Solazzo


Solazzo

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Thu, 11-08-2007 - 9:05am

I agree with Sol. As BSs we get all hung up on the R the WS is having with the AP when deciding how and when to confront. At what point is the simple knowledge that there is an A enough? How much evidence do you need before you confront? The longer you wait the longer this is going to drag out. I know we all want to avoid change, we all don't want to believe the person we love and trust is betraying us, but when the truth smacks us in the face, it does us no good to look away. Go to the site below and read through the Suspicions and Strategies section. The last bit of it is about confrontation. Given you are leaning toward leaving her, you may want to consult an attorney before you confront her so you know what your options are. Believe me, she will take you a lot more seriously if she knows you have done your research and you know what you want. It took me a long time to be strong enough to tell my DH I would have xOW out of my life one way or another even if that meant getting rid of him. That was when he stopped making excuses and started stepping up to the plate. She needs to know you are dead serious about moving on without her if the A doesn't stop or it will never stop.
http://betrayedspouse101.tripod.com/

Just a warning though, WSs don't like it when they loose control, when all of a sudden the choice is no longer theirs. Reality is tough to face when you have been behaving so selfishly and the consequences come a'nocking.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2007
Thu, 11-08-2007 - 12:52pm

Hi Dagger- Thank you for the link. I enjoyed it very much. It is a beautiful and very soothing piece- great choice!


I think the combination of a workout to get out the anger, followed by focusing your concentration on playing the guitar to help calm you is fantastic. I hope it helped you to get a better night's sleep!


Once you get feeling stronger it can help you to then turn to and deal with the matter at hand. I would encourage you to check out that link that pamme posted here- I think that entire website is AWESOME, and I've recommended it to posters many times myself. The section on confrontation is one of the best I've seen.


I have to agree with Sol and pamme, that it would be prudent to consider that your wife may suspect that you are listening to her phone conversations. The conversation with her friend sounds like she was trying to downplay it in case you were listening, yet refer to something where her friend would know more of what she was talking about based on things that her friend already knows. For example, I once overheard my H having a phone conversation where he was discussing something he didn't want me to know about. The coworker must have asked him "Did it have to do with this or that happening?" and my H's response was "Yeah, it had something to do with that". It was a way for him to convey what he meant to the coworker without elaborating so I wouldn't know what he was talking about. Basically picking and choosing what they say as to be careful not to be caught.


I do also agree that what you already know is enough to prove she is being unfaithful. OM's comments about "hump day" are completely inappropriate regardless of whether they have done the deed yet or not. Kissing another man is completely inappropriate. I think I would encourage you to think about what those things alone mean to your marriage. I think at some point we all tire of expending so much energy on finding evidence, that you can then just look at what you DO already know, and what your gut is telling you, and then you just say "That's enough". I would also encourage you to read some things about emotional affairs. It isn't a simple matter of them having a friend. They are spending large amounts of time on thinking about the other person. They fantasize about what it would be like with them, and spend time looking forward to the next meeting or phone call. If theyare putting that much time, energy, and effort into another person, then sadly, they aren't giving much attention to their marriage.


This is just my opinion, but I think your time would be best spent on

Val                                   &n

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2007
Thu, 11-08-2007 - 3:48pm

Hi Val,


I did read the link about "when you finally confront".


I am almost at that point. Almost!


It will be a setting most likely later in the evening when all the kids are sound asleep (I am not a yeller), and she is sittng in the dining room reading the local newpaper, which is something she does every evening (~10:30-11:30). I am usually reading or as of lately, posting on this site. Okay, Val and anyone else, please give me a rehearsal, ie, best way to start. I will make sure I am very calm and very to the point. Mentally, I will be ready. I would just

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-16-2006
Thu, 11-08-2007 - 4:09pm

and then.......she MAY say, "Hun, what are you talking about? You know I love you and would never do that to you again. How can you think that of me? He is just a friend, we were just joking around."

In other words try to sweet talk you and try to make you believe what you really WANT to believe.

Or she may go on the defensive, turn it around on you....."Are you kidding me? You are listening to my phone calls! How dare you! I thought we were past this!"

Her reaction could really be anything, but if you remain calm and resolved about what you know and what you want, then you will be in control of the situation.

I am so sorry you are going through this.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2007
Thu, 11-08-2007 - 5:12pm

Hi Dagger- Hmm, I think what you have there is a pretty good start, but you will want to be sure to be prepared for lying, minimizing, or trying to blame you in some way- don't buy into ANY of that!


I also think before you read the conditions to her you might want to preface it by saying something like "I am aware you have been having an affair with so-and-so for the last ten years. As much as I love you and would like to remain married to you, I cannot be in a marriage with 3 people in it. I cannot and will not share you. If you want to remain married then I have a list of conditions for you in which none are negotiable".


Even though it is tearing you apart, IMO you might come off looking stronger if you present an image to her that you will not fall apart without her. That if you must, you WILL leave- she needs to know that you are serious about the consequences.


Also, I think if you preface it by saying "If you want to remain married", that will cover you better. I mean, sadly, there is always the chance that you could read her those conditions and she might say "Conditions? I'm outta here!" I think it's good to rehearse the confrontation and think about whatever possible outcomes there could be- that way you can prepare for it to be covered no matter what might come your way.


I actually confronted my H twice, and neither one turned out the way I had imagined. The first time, I merely asked him if he was having an affair and he suddenly gave me the "I'm not happy" speech, and said he was leaving me, and then the "Let's still be friends" speech, to which I just looked at him like he'd just landed here from Mars. He even had the nerve to try to make it sound like he was doing something NOBLE, and actually said to me "You'll still see me- it's not like I'm going to drop off the face of the earth". To which I replied, "Actually, that's sounding pretty good right now!" He'd probably been considering it for awhile, but it was news to me. And since he wouldn't admit to an affair at that time, it didn't even get into the kinds of things I thought we might end up discussing. Of course I figured there had to be another woman, so I simply left it off with "If you go out that door don't expect to be able to just come crawling back to me someday". Of course he did "come crawling back" eventually, but even though I let him back in the door, he found that it took a heck of a lot of work to get me to even open it up a crack!


The second time I confronted him, I then had more evidence. Some people had told me some things, so it wasn't completely concrete, but it was close enough where H knew he couldn't deny it. We were separated and he had been at the house for a visitation with our daughter. I simply asked him if I could speak to him alone outside before he left. I didn't even have to say much of anything at that point. He knew I knew, and the look in his eyes I didn't expect- it was like he knew what was coming, and he couldn[t deny it anymore. But he still tried at first! I think I said something like "I think you know what I want to speak to you about". Then he told me he had a "friend". To which I literally rolled my eyes and gave a sort of "Humph" noise, and I think I might have even said something like "Friend my a**", or "Don't give me that garbage". Then at that point he started to spill the truth, and started telling me about her, about the situation with her (that she was married also with a child), and he started telling me about other self-destructive things he'd been doing (like drinking heavily, drinking and driving ,etc). Surprisingly, those opening sarcastic remarks of mine were the closest I got to an outburst during the entire conversation. This weird calm came over me, and I was very cool about it. I let him talk- kept letting him talk until he'd spilled as much as I thought he was going to, then I just looked at him and said "WHAT are you doing?" He didn't even have a real answer to that, because even HE didn't know at that time. So then he just kept talking more. I didn't even say anything that night about giving him any kind of option to come back to me. My situation was different because he was already out of the house. But I firmly believe if you are still living under the same roof, you first have to see how they will react (whether they will beg you to stay, whether they will say they want to remain married but act like they don't really have any intention of ending the affair, or whether they will just choose to leave).


So that's why I recommended prefacing it with something like "If you want to remain married", and then read off your conditions. If you can get it all out before she has a chance to interrupt that way you can at least feel that you have said what you need to say (for YOU).


Now as for the "And then" part, this is where you will get her reaction. I would just try to suggest you not buy into any lying, minimizing, or blaming- don't let her sweet talk you into believing there was nothing going on. Try to stay cool, calm, and confident, and give her a wall of "I KNOW there was something going on" that she can't break through. I would encourage you to watch her reaction closely, and even read between the lines a bit. Look for TRUE REMORSE- that she is sorry for the pain she has caused you, not just for getting caught. And look for a willingness in her to do anything you ask in order to rebuild. If those things aren't there, it can be next to impossible to reconcile.


Best of luck Dagger, and I hope others will chime in with their own confrontation experiences so you can

Val                                   &n

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2006
Thu, 11-08-2007 - 7:02pm

Hi Dagger,


I've followed your post since the beginning, and though I replied early on, I haven't done so recently, b/c all of my advice would have mirrored most, especially Val and Sol.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-13-2007
Thu, 11-08-2007 - 7:59pm

So much of the conversation depends on how your wife reacts - and there is no way for any of us on this board to predict that.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-04-2007
Thu, 11-08-2007 - 9:42pm
Amazing how long and detailed posts to men are around here. Especially to one who I suspect isn't all he says. Simpering compliments certainly do go a long way!

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