Cheating Wife

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2007
Cheating Wife
Sun, 11-04-2007 - 1:06am

I am a 47 yo married man with four children, ages 4-19. I am a profesional


iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2006
Fri, 11-09-2007 - 12:33pm

Hi Dagger,

Your response was very intuitive, and reminded me of something that prompted to me to share more of my story with you.

Upon finding out about my ex's betrayal, I tried to unravel the reasons.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2007
Fri, 11-09-2007 - 7:24pm

Hey there bjwllady,

From all of advice I have recieved on this board, you did the RIGHT thing when you confronted

your H. You remained calm and in control. I can see how this tactic would be very imitating

to the cheater, as he was probably

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2007
Sun, 11-11-2007 - 12:28am

Hi Val,

Hope you are having a nice weekend. I got an email from a friend (male) that I have not been in contact with for at least 3 years. He used ti be my neigbor but moved away about six years ago. We used to go fly-fishing any chance we could get. Anyway, I got the email from him Friday morning and wanted to know if I wanted to go fishing Saturday morning. HELL YES. Here is the strange twist. He divoriced from his wife 15 years ago and they also have 4 children. He is now re-married and doing quite well and very happy with his current wife. Presently,

his youngest child is 18, and I (as usual) asked a bunch of questions about how his other children are farring.

They are all doing great, getting or finishing college and what nothing to do with their mother (I won't go into detail on that, no need for this post). We hiked deep into a canyon "the Canyon" as it is caled among the puriest, and had a great day, but I had the usual anxiety attack "what if". I had moments, like

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2007
Mon, 11-12-2007 - 8:25am

After playing catch up on this thread, and pretty much keeping my nose out of it,

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2007
Mon, 11-12-2007 - 10:14am

Hi Dagger-


The main thing I take from this is that she is nervous about being caught. The fact that she is nervous at all about incoming phone calls only shows that SHE has something to hide, and she knows she's doing something wrong here. If she weren't, then she wouldn't feel any need to hide it- she would be able to have conversations with this man right in front of you.

I think what it boils down to dagger, is that you could be waiting a long time for her to slip up in order to find out if she has slept with him or not. Even if she doesn't suspect that you are listening in, when she is on the phone with OM she could be taking an attitude of "better safe than sorry". I think they could be being careful about what they are saying just to protect themselves in case someone were to walk in the room while they are on the phone. OM also has something to lose here since he is married as well. Maybe their caution is because he is concerned his wife might find out. Basically I guess I am telling you that even if she doesn't suspect a thing about you listening in, it doesn't mean they are going to speak completely freely on the phone.

So like I said, you could be waiting a long time for her to slip up. So I would encourage you to look at what you already DO know. She has been having MANY inappropriate conversations with this man. You know they have french kissed (that is NOT an innocent thing between people that are "just friends"). And you know she has met with this man, and whatever they were doing, she felt the need to keep these meetings a secret from you. Plus she has a prior history of infidelity.

I would encourage you to just for a moment, forget about trying to find out more. Just look at these things that you DO know, and ask yourself how you feel about it. If you say it doesn't really bother you that much, then I would encourage you to ask yourself "But do I want her to CONTINUE this behavior?" If you don't get firm with her, then she WILL continue.

I know that if you confront you want to be able to KNOW for certain how far it

Val                                   &n

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2007
Mon, 11-12-2007 - 11:47am

I'm so sorry to hear about what you are going through. My wife's affair just came to light a month ago, and we are working through it.

Do not do anything rash right now; go to your library and snap up all the books you can find on infidelity, forgiveness, and so on. For example, try the book "Not Just Friends" by Glass.

Read through the books to get an idea of what to do, how to confront her, what to expect, etc. These books have helped me immensely though what was a personal disaster, and have helped me keep hope alive about our marriage, and keep our family together and sane.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2004
Mon, 11-12-2007 - 12:45pm

Val I think your response hits on many valid points about what's happening here.

The fact remains that the W knows that her H is uncomfortable with her "friendship", even if she has no idea of the extent of Daggar's knowledge. She definitely knows it's wrong and although the BS (particularly male BS according to After the Affair) will focus more on the physical aspects, the emotional ones are every bit as damaging to the marriage. In this instance since she knows her H is uncomfortable and she continues to have the secret relationship, on any level, it says to me that there is a larger priority placed on the "friend". Marriages don't work if the marriage partner is not giving their time and energy to their partner, but to a secret friend. That's the bottom line IMHO.

This has been going on for a long time, and the line has already been crossed, diminished, and justified. If she didn't think there was anything wrong with it, it wouldn't be a secret.

I certainly understand that Daggar will continue to look for concrete evidence and continue to monitor activity, in a way he's also justifying NOT confronting it, based on the lack of enough evidence. Minimizing his W's actions because of the lack of evidence of anything physical, and basing the "need to be sure" as primary because of all that can be lost. Yes we play games with ourselves about what we'll deny, what is most important, what we may have done or not done within the marriage. heck I even tried to come to grips with if I could share my former H with the OW if having both relationships somehow made him feel complete. Was he actually able to be a better partner to me if I allowed the duality and we set up some ground rules about respect and discretion.

Then I realized that there was no real way for me to control another person. That just because I agreed to something and he agreed to something it didn't mean that one or both of us wouldn't change our mind or stretch the boundaries once again for a personal sense of having it all. I realized that it was really all about X and his sense of entitlement. He really did want to stay in the marriage because he cared about me and DD and our life, but that he'd already changed the boundaries to something that he knew I wouldn't accept. His way of actually having what he wanted was to go underground and have an A and it could work for him provided I didn't know. he really didn't want to lose anything he had, but he wasn't completely satisfied with that either. he'd already changed the marriage by making a unilateral decision about how it was going to be, and he didn't ask permission because he already knew the answer.

Had he respected the marriage and the relationship he would have brought whatever issue he was having to the forefront and we would have been working on that together. He skipped fixing the relationship and jumped ahead to changing it and finding a resolution that worked for him...having two relationships.

Since we did separate, and then reconciled and worked on rebuilding I am fortunate to have gained insights from his perspective on the how and why he entered into an A. I do understand how these work things can happen, and especially when a WS has some stuff within them that they just won't face. A needy person (someone who needs the WS on some level) really strokes their ego and that good feeling they get from helping, or being a focus of attention can be quite intoxicating, even when they know it's wrong. They can get hooked on that feeling and really over inflate their role in the OW/OM's life, while dismissing that they are contributing to the lack or feel goods of a marriage. I mean how many BS are completely taken off guard by their spouses A. The answer is most, and in retrospect the BS starts to realize how and when things seemed off and it all starts to make sense.

I find that many WS (based on what is said and discussed here) do want the marriage, but not necessarily for the same reasons as their spouse. It's the only explanation I have for why a person that is cheating on their spouse continues to do so even when they know their spouse is on to them, or suspecting. They either can't or won't end the marriage because of their own issues, and they also can't and won't end the A because they like it. I really think that if the WS was thinking in realistic terms they would have left the marriage long before, when they first realized that they could have strong feelings for


iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2007
Mon, 11-12-2007 - 2:19pm

Hi Camille,

Thanks for responding. One of the posters recommended a lawyer within the area that I live.

I checked their wesite and the lawyers bio. I was impressed. I will be calling this lawyer to

seek advice, but nothing legal just yet.

As far as your question:

"One quick question, and maybe I am playing devil's advocate here... however, what are you thinking by calling up a woman you haven't spoken with for 2 years and asking her for very intimate advice?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2007
Mon, 11-12-2007 - 4:24pm

Hi Val,

Hope you had a great weekend, and I especially, hope your relationship with your H improves each and everyday. You have given me such great advice, the only thing I can do in return is pray that you and H can one day have great and fullfiling marriage. But as you know, once you have been cheated on, it will NEVER be the same. Why is it that the ones who love you the most also can hurt you the most. I know my W loves my dearly and I

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2007
Mon, 11-12-2007 - 4:42pm

Hi Solazzo,