Cheating Wife

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2007
Cheating Wife
109
Sun, 11-04-2007 - 1:06am

I am a 47 yo married man with four children, ages 4-19. I am a profesional

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2003
Sun, 11-04-2007 - 4:57am

Dear daggerthrueheart,


I am so sorry you are going through all this, especially because it is going on for such a long time and 4 kids involved. Reading your post one thing came to my mind: moving one stone in the river will make a river flow a different direction forever. Right now you might feel trapped in your feelings of hurt, the love for your children, powerlessness and loneliness but taking one small step to getting yourself together will change the whole system. Take time for yourself, go for a walk in the evening, sit in the garden, get in touch with an old friend, anything that will take your mind out of this situation for 1 hour and carefully experience what it does for your soul. Even without a proof or confession it is possible to look at the situation as an observer, what happened and how does it reflect on me, what does it mean to me in the here and now.


You can write your wife a letter to share what came up while taking time out for a while. Stay in touch with yourself, it will help to get in touch with her. This is not a 1 day thing to do and won't solve your problems overnight but it will help to start somewhere.


kind regards,


Miriam


iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2007
Sun, 11-04-2007 - 12:24pm

Dear engelsman2001,


Thank you kindly for your response and great short term tools to combat my sadness.


I do have many interests (classical guitar, flyfishing, youth soccer, etc) that does keep my


mind occupied. The hard part is when things are quiet and I have her next to me


in bed at night (you can image the thoughts going through my head!). I very


frequently (many times a day)

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2007
Sun, 11-04-2007 - 12:54pm

Thanks Camille for your comments,


iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2007
Sun, 11-04-2007 - 2:07pm

Hi daggerthrueheart-


Welcome, and I am so sorry you are going through this.


The first thing I want to say to you is NONE of this is your fault. While both partners may share some responsibility for problems in the marriage, your wife's choice to have an affair is just that- HER choice. So she bears 100% responsibilty for that decision- one that was made without your knowledge or consent.


Affairs are about the WS (wayward spouse), and some issue deep within them that causes them to cheat. It has nothing to do with you, or what you did or did not do. Based on your comments here:


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Val                                   &n

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2007
Sun, 11-04-2007 - 5:31pm

Val,


Thank you so much. Your post was excellent. Your kind and well thought words


sounded like them came from an angel watching over me.


We just got back from a nice hike on a beautiful November


day with our 2 youngest daughters (4 and 9). After hiking for about


an hour, I found a beautiful setting and I said lets all hold hands


and pray for all our loved ones, soldiers in war and the weak and


ill. I lead the pray and afterwards she started to cry, but not to hard.


We do attend church regularly and she even helps with religious education


classes! Another reason this is such a mind blower to me. On another


phone call I intercepted, she was talking to one of her friends who had just


finished an affair. and her friend said she still wants to contact him occassionally


but not cross the line. My wife's response was, she also wants to continue


the friendship but not cross the line either. God, am I stupid. I mean is this enough


evidence? I really do not want to confrony her till I am 100% positive. Because Val,


you are right, when I do ask her about her "friend" , she will deny everything and


act like there is something wrong with me. If I do confront her with what I do know


(they have french kissed and

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-23-2006
Sun, 11-04-2007 - 5:31pm

Dagger,

Welcome to this board community that none of us really wants to be a member of. The boards are somewhat slow on the weekends and you will get more responses as the week starts.

I have a few thoughts on your post. First as Val says trust your gut. If you believe there is an affair there probably is. And from the information you have provided I am convinced as well. Where to go from there then..........

First off I'd like to address Camille's post. I disagree with her on many points. As Val said as well, we are all responsible for the problems in our marriage but only one person makes the decision to cheat. People have many options to try to fix their marriages or if they are not fixable to walk away. Affairs are a selfish, destructive way to deal with problems. If you are a great husband or a horrible husband it does not matter. If your wife was unhappy, what did she try to do within the marriage to make herself happy? Not enough. Affairs are horribly painful to all involved. WS's will frequently try to blame the BS because it somehow justifies the action in their twisted minds.

One of our most frequent posters is away for a while but her advice is always the same. Go to the board website and get some insight on affairs http://members.tripod.com/betrayed_spouses-ivil/

Also you need to go to an attorney to know what your rights are. Just because you are the wage earner in the family does not mean that you don't need protection.

There are many men who come to this board for support, so although mostly women will respond do not think that you are alone being a man.

I suggest too that you get yourself into counseling, because the trauma in your life will really throw you for a loop.

Please come back here as often as needed; this is normally a very supportive community and there is alwasy someone around to listen.

L

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-23-2006
Sun, 11-04-2007 - 5:42pm

I guess we were posting at the same time. Your counselor said what??????? I think that sucks. Your wife is having a intimate relationship (french kissing or otherwise) with a man and you are suppose to give her more!!!! That irritates me. I gave my husband everything he asked for and he was still unhappy. He would just find some other reason why I wasn't good enough. Always having a reason made it so much easier to continue the affair. I was never going to meet all of his needs because his needs kept changing. It sounds like your wife has something she has decided you don't meet and she'll never tell you what because then you might do that and she'd have to change her reasoning.

I think a good counselor would help you to feel strong in yourself and stand up for your marriage and your family. Does the counselor think that you can "convince" her that you are better than her AP (affair partner) so she'll give it up. You have a right to say that I do not want to be in a three person marriage and the counselor should support you with that.

Sorry I'm so harsh but bad counseling always annoys me. I think this counselor is steering you wrong. See what other posters have to say as the week goes by. It sounds like you have alot on your plate. Good luck and take care of the kids.

L

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2006
Sun, 11-04-2007 - 9:54pm

Camille:


While I am not in favor of your cheating on your h I do want to thank you for posting all of the info that you did.


For many of us not understanding is a very difficult thing.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2007
Sun, 11-04-2007 - 11:08pm

Thanks toridog for your very insightful post. Instead of popping another xanax (this is the first time I have ever been on prescribed meds)

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2007
Mon, 11-05-2007 - 9:03am

Hi daggerthrueheart-


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Val                                   &n

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