Completely Torn, No Support

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2007
Completely Torn, No Support
7
Sat, 07-11-2009 - 1:02pm

My husband and I hadn't even been married one year when I found out he'd been cheating on me. I was watching tv when I got up to get a snack and checked in on him to see how he was doing in our office. I noticed he had his messenger up, but the name was displayed as Derek, and that is not his name. I asked him about it, and he said he was using it to sell some things on kijiji, which I instantly knew was a lie. I pressed him for information, and asked what I would find if I were to read what was in his message windows.
He broke and said he was using it to have affairs with people he met online, and had been since before we even met. I'm furious! We've been together for 6 years, and he has been having affairs the entire time! He would cheat on me when I'd go shopping with my mum a couple towns over, while I was at the gym, and while I was at my therapists!! While I'm out getting treatment for depression & PTSD, he's at home screwing around online!!
I was completely shocked... He's the sweetest, most unassuming person I've met in my life. He's always been honest, modest, strong and helpful, and he is the absolute last person I could ever imagine engaging in infidelity. I asked him how he could do this, especially after we were married. He said because it was online, it never felt real, and that he didn't think about how it would hurt me.

Now after a couple months, I've been really making an effort to forgive him, and to move on in our marriage, but now it feels like he can't do anything right... Our first anniversary was at the end of June, I got him a bicycle I knew he'd been wanting, and he got me nothing. Not even a card or a note. He didn't forget, he acknowledged it, he just didn't make an effort. And that's how the last two months have felt. He's displayed genuine contrition, and I do believe he is sorry and that he has stopped, but he has done absolutely nothing to make up for it. It's like he isn't even putting forth an effort anymore. Today I slept in, and when I woke up I could smell pancakes. I thought for sure he had made a nice breakfast and set the table for us, but I found him on the computer reading blogs and eating pancakes himself.
When I first found out he had cheated, I didn't really have anywhere to go... my mum was out of town, dad and all my friends live an hour away, the only person I could talk to was his mother, and her sage advice was "well, just don't tell anyone". Now I'm afraid to talk to my mum or dad about it because I'm thinking, if this marriage does last, their opinion of him will be tarnished forever... and at this point I don't know whether I should care. I don't want to get divorced, but I don't know if I can reconcile the two very different sides my husband has shown me.
Anyone who can offer advice, or even just help me sort out my muddled thoughts, I'd certainly appreciate it...
Sorry for the post length, thanks for your attention.

Evye

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-11-2009
Sat, 07-11-2009 - 1:33pm

Oh my gosh. You are not alone. My husband and I have been together for 10 years. Of those 10 years, 3 years he spent cheating on me online having cybersex and phone sex with 2 other girls. It has been so hard to forget what happened.

Why I am still with him?? He genuinely is sorry. He has been such a great husband since then. He is honestly ashamed of himself. I, too, can't tell anyone because I feel like their impression of him will completely change and then I'll have to deal with feeling so uncomfortable with him being around my friends and family.

The fact that he tries really hard to make me happy and to ease my pain. He said that he would do anything - take a lie detector test -- anything I asked. I feel more compelled to stay with him. We have such a great and open relationship now...the only time it is in the dumps..is when I am reminded of his cheating. It just rips the wound open again and I get so depressed.

I am so sorry that I am ranting, but I just don't want you to feel like you are alone. There are always people you can talk to. I did tell one friend and it really helped. She actually opened up and told me things in her relationship that I never imagined.

When your husband knows that he hurt you and the relationship and does not try to be better, then something is more wrong. When my husband and I opened up to one another...I told him everything about me -- all my dark secrets, every bad thought I had, it was raw - uncensored - take me as I am kind of experience. I think we bonded so much because of it. Now, when I am angry or sad or anything, I tell him. "We are a team" -- that's what he says now. We don't go through these things alone.

Tell him how you feel. Tell him how his betrayal made you feel. Tell him everything. It will make you feel better and hopefully he will be receptive to it as well. There is a reason behind the betrayal...he just needs to be honest.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2007
Sat, 07-11-2009 - 2:47pm
Thank you so much for your advice and support, I'm still trying to muddle through this whole thing and sort out what I'm feeling and what needs to be done. It's hard :(
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-11-2009
Sat, 07-11-2009 - 3:25pm

No problem. We are all here for a reason. To be there and try to understand these situations. Just know that you always have other women that understand and are there for you.

Keep your chin up. Today is a new day.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-09-2008
Sat, 07-11-2009 - 4:40pm

HUGS HUGS HUGS


After reading your story I feel that he is very guilty and that's why he is acting badly. It's by no mens a justification but it might be the truth.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sun, 07-12-2009 - 9:00am
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2007
Tue, 07-14-2009 - 3:20pm

Thanks so much to everyone, I'm reading through the betrayed spouses 101, and as saddened as I am to have to visit it in the first place, I can't help but feeling more empowered about my situation. I know it's not my fault, and I know the way he's treated me and treated our marriage isn't right, and I think that's a positive footing to start on. I know he's telling me the truth when he says he'll never to it again, but I think he needs to get his priorities straight, and at this point in our marriage, especially after what he did, I and our relationship have to be his no. 1 priorities.

~Evye

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
Tue, 07-14-2009 - 3:54pm
Like lots of us, you only assumed he was honest.