Completely Torn, No Support
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|Sat, 07-11-2009 - 1:02pm|
My husband and I hadn't even been married one year when I found out he'd been cheating on me. I was watching tv when I got up to get a snack and checked in on him to see how he was doing in our office. I noticed he had his messenger up, but the name was displayed as Derek, and that is not his name. I asked him about it, and he said he was using it to sell some things on kijiji, which I instantly knew was a lie. I pressed him for information, and asked what I would find if I were to read what was in his message windows.
He broke and said he was using it to have affairs with people he met online, and had been since before we even met. I'm furious! We've been together for 6 years, and he has been having affairs the entire time! He would cheat on me when I'd go shopping with my mum a couple towns over, while I was at the gym, and while I was at my therapists!! While I'm out getting treatment for depression & PTSD, he's at home screwing around online!!
I was completely shocked... He's the sweetest, most unassuming person I've met in my life. He's always been honest, modest, strong and helpful, and he is the absolute last person I could ever imagine engaging in infidelity. I asked him how he could do this, especially after we were married. He said because it was online, it never felt real, and that he didn't think about how it would hurt me.
Now after a couple months, I've been really making an effort to forgive him, and to move on in our marriage, but now it feels like he can't do anything right... Our first anniversary was at the end of June, I got him a bicycle I knew he'd been wanting, and he got me nothing. Not even a card or a note. He didn't forget, he acknowledged it, he just didn't make an effort. And that's how the last two months have felt. He's displayed genuine contrition, and I do believe he is sorry and that he has stopped, but he has done absolutely nothing to make up for it. It's like he isn't even putting forth an effort anymore. Today I slept in, and when I woke up I could smell pancakes. I thought for sure he had made a nice breakfast and set the table for us, but I found him on the computer reading blogs and eating pancakes himself.
When I first found out he had cheated, I didn't really have anywhere to go... my mum was out of town, dad and all my friends live an hour away, the only person I could talk to was his mother, and her sage advice was "well, just don't tell anyone". Now I'm afraid to talk to my mum or dad about it because I'm thinking, if this marriage does last, their opinion of him will be tarnished forever... and at this point I don't know whether I should care. I don't want to get divorced, but I don't know if I can reconcile the two very different sides my husband has shown me.
Anyone who can offer advice, or even just help me sort out my muddled thoughts, I'd certainly appreciate it...
Sorry for the post length, thanks for your attention.