Confused About How I'm Reacting
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|Sat, 05-01-2010 - 2:22pm|
I'm looking for anyone like me -
Found out almost 3 weeks ago that my husband had an A.
I knew for several hours thinking about when and how to confront him. Decided to do it respectfully (taking the highroad). Simple told him what I knew and he admitted everything. He ended it 2 months before I found out. He never wanted me to know (duh)and is sorry it happened and for the pain it is causing me, and him.
Of course I'm HURT and SAD and PISSED and I shouldn't even want him to touch me, but I do. It's like I need to be validated that he is choosing me over her. That he wants to be with ME.
Things in general have been better with us in the past 3 weeks than they have been in a VERY long time. It's like there is nothing that we can't be talked about - I ask, he answers (even though he is right, that I don't want to know details, but I do). Before knowing we were fighting about anything and everything. I could ask a simple answer and get my head bit off. His guilt was making him pick fights with me, rather than treat me better because of what he did. I'm mad about that too - like he was pushing me to leave him so he wouldn't be the bad guy - but that's another 'branch' of this crazy tree I'm up!
We have been to one session of marriage counseling - I had actually made the appointment before I knew about the A and we wanted to work on other issues (which all come back to the A that I didn't know about!) It went fine, but the first session is the 'here is why we are here' more than 'here is how I can help you'.
Each night we are reading out loud together "His Needs, Her Needs: How to Affair Proof Your Marriage" It's helping open up some dialog between us and helping us realize that we both were not meeting the other persons needs. Read it, I highly recommend it.
So, that leaves me to feeling this - Have I let him off too easy? I'm not a raging bitch 24/7 that won't let him touch me - in fact we are touching more than ever (but no intercourse yet - my rule). I've told a few close friends, but no family. He told one person that knew about the A, that I now know, and they are surprised how well I'm taking it.
I'm mad! and I'm REALLY REALLY hurt and so sad, but I have to put that aside to be a mother, an employee and a normal person to the rest of the world. It's like having a tragic event happen,like a death, but you can't tell everyone and get the support you need or at least have a real reason when you aren't your jolly happy self. I'm not the kind of person that hold back emotion, but I don't want people to know - I want to protect what we are trying to work on.
I mention to my husband 'do you feel I let you off easy?' and he said 'no, because I will always have to live with what I did to you'. He seems like a victim some of the time - like him dealing with loosing her - or the 'high' of the 'A' is worse than the pain I am going through.
I feel like I should have made him 'suffer' more - kicked him out, made him beg to get me back - but if we are going to work on, and rebuild this marriage that doesn't seem like a healthy start.
I used to love alone time - in the car especially, but that is now the worst time for me. I think about the reality and see 'them' in my head (I know the other woman). I want to wake up from this nightmare like it didn't really happen, but I know that this is now my new 'normal'
Anyone else not 'kick him to the curb' and closer than before? What I've read here is all the hurt and anger and abanishment of the spouse and wonder if I'm just insane for the way I'm dealing with this.