confused and frustrated

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-05-2010
confused and frustrated
Fri, 03-05-2010 - 6:05am

I will try to make this as easy to understand as possible.

1) my husband had an affair about 4 years ago (we were really going through a tough time and fighting a lot) that last about 3 months. He broke it off on his own and did not come clean to me until several months later. We worked through it, but never really went to counseling. I always said I stayed because he came clean, when I would have never found out and it was already over. He did everything for 4 years to be transparent and really things were going great.

2) 2 weeks (things have been really good, even by his admission) ago my husband starting talking to my ex's new girlfriend on FB. I was there the whole time and was aware of all of it. She was struggling with my friendship with my ex and my husband thought he could share his perspective as an outsider and help her cope. This all went well and she calmed down, but then starting making inappropriate comments about my marriage and "was I giving him everything he needed". He instantly told me and he shut down the discussion. He de-friended her and things were ok for about a week. Then he decided they could be FB friends and nothing more. Well that led to several conversations over the last couple weeks and just 2 nights ago they slept together. They have both come clean and admit they were wrong. So now I am left with utter confusion.

I love my husband, but I don't know if I can go through this again. My son is 13 and is struggling right now with a lot of things and having my H move out would really upset his world. My husband has offered to give me full access to everything again and do whatever it takes to try and regain my trust. He is going to start counseling as am I. Maybe in time we will go together. I have told him I will not make any decisions for at least 6-12 weeks so I can be sure I am not making an emotional decision and my son can be closer to the end of the school year.

So where do I go from here? How can I act as if everything is normal, when I don't even like him as a person right now. Yet if I push him away and stay angry that is not helpful to start re-building. I am at a loss. He seems remorseful, but he had emails that said he couldn't go through with anything because there was too much at stake and then he did it anyway.

Is he in a pattern he won't be able to break? Am I approving his behavior if I don't leave? How can I ever trust him again when he has broken my trust twice? Do I want to take the chance that in 5 years I will be in the same boat again. When is enough, enough?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2009
Sun, 03-07-2010 - 10:58am

First off, big hugs.