confused and hurt

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2014
confused and hurt
5
Wed, 04-23-2014 - 1:51am

Hi everyone. I am new to this group but I eally need to vent. I found out 1 week ago that my husband had an affair with someone he works with. His work hours very because he is a supervisor at a warehouse so he gets off when everything is complete. Well, a week ago something told me to lookup our cell phone records. That's when I found out that he's been talking to her and texting to her alot. There were also days that they text and called when they were supposed to be at work (cell phones aren't allowed in the building). After I confronted him he first lied and said they were just friends and that was all. I actually believed him because of the type guy he is but I decided to push the issue. Well, once I told him he better tell me everything he admitted he had sex with her 2 times and this had gone on for 6 weeks. I am devestated. My health has been really bad the last two years so I almost understand when he said he just needed to vent to someone and not be judged. Of course I said he should have talked to me. I do love him and I know he regrets what he did. I want to try to work it out but I can't even begin to talk to him without everything in me turning to anger. I'm pissed at him but I'm more pissed at myself because I feel so insecure. I don't know how to try and move past this. By the way, we have been together 12 years married 6 but have known each other since high school (class of 91)

Avatar for khatru1
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2004
Wed, 04-23-2014 - 11:20am

Being only a week out, of course everything is so very fresh and raw. Understandable your emotions boil to the surface very quickly. The passage of time will help some, to be able to talk to him without blowing up. If you want to work it out, thats' great. Does your H also share your desire to stay together? Perhaps you need a neutral third party to help both of you, a counselor. Your H needs to be open to counseling to fix this. It is not your fault this happened but insecurity is something you need to work on.  It is important for anyone to know that if need be, they will be fine on their own. That doesn't mean it will necessarily be easy, but you can do it. Staying in a bad relationship because you don't think you can make it in your own is not a good reason.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2002
Sat, 04-26-2014 - 12:26am

AngieBoo dont cry!  I love your name and you seem like a wonderful person who has been through a lot.  It kinda sounds like you would prefer to keep your relationship together, and you hope he does too.  Welll, whatever your health issues, a good man who loves you will accept them and help you both to work thru them.  That's what love is all about,

Working with someone at night is a whold diffeent enviornment than working duing the day.  The air is quiet except for the squsih of the fan.  There is no one loorking areound to judge yuor movements.  A long lonely boring night could possibly prompt two peolple who have never really ever had an attrection to one another, to do things they would never conceived of doing in the daylight. 

Clearly he has made a big mistake.  But is it really big enough to break up over?  Perhaps you could suggest if he really wants to keep you, that all of his texts, emails, and calls, are available to YOU!!!!!!.  He may need to leave his job and get another.  (and this is my own opinion and not representative of anyone else): maybe her family should be informed of her extracirrcular activities in order reel her in a bit,

But now ball is in your court.  If you want him back you determine the calls and the rules.  If he truly wants to be your man again he will remain absolutely transparent.  Or course couples tx, individual tx, and perhaps meds may help.  

But essentially, I know you a re terribly hurt.  But you are still in control  Use that power to fight for what you want!

Best of luck to you Sister

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2014
Sat, 04-26-2014 - 1:40pm

Thank you both. It has been really hard with the rollercoaster  of feelings. We are trying to work it out. He is willing to do whatever will make me comfortable. He has changed his cell phone number. He suggested that we go to counseling before I even got a chance to suggest it. He seems to be very remorseful. I told him that he has ruined the trust that we had and I don't know if or when he will earn it back. We used to have a good realationship before all this. He has taken care of me through 2 brain surgeries and a cancer diagnoses in the last 2 years. He said that it happened because he has kept alot of his fears about my health bottled up because he wanted to be strong for me. He was able to talk to her about things that he felt about everything with me. I told him that wasn't an excuse and I should be the one he confides in no matter what. He really wants to work things out and stay together. I want to try too. He has been my best friend for a long time and this whole situation is really out of his character. That probably hurts the most.  We are going to try and hope for the best. If it doesn't work then we at least know that we tried.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
Mon, 04-28-2014 - 5:25pm

I"m sorry but this is BS!  " He said that it happened because he has kept alot of his fears about my health bottled up because he wanted to be strong for me. He was able to talk to her about things that he felt about everything with me"  He was so worried about his wife having cancer that screwing some chick he worked with was his way of showing his concern for you??? He's making excuses and pretty piss poor ones IMO. I'd have knocked him into next week. A mistake is when you unintentionally make an error. He made a conscious decision to screw around~that's NOT a mistake.

I thought my exH was a POS until I read this. This guy is even worse.  Honey, I was married 20 yrs, he had an A with a coworker also and unless he changes jobs and has NO contact with her, this will not be over. You don't need this kind of BS adding more stress to your life.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2002
Thu, 05-01-2014 - 12:12am

Angieboo, I've been thinking  about your situation,  It sounds terriby stressful for both of you.  And I can understand that he didn't want to confide in you because he didn't want to stress you any further about his feelings and needs and fears.  Clearly he confieded in the wrong person and made really bad choices.  But I think there is much hope for you both if he begins seeing a therapist.  Someone neutral who can listen to him and guide him professionnally.  You could also benefit from this as well.  It sounds like neither of you want to "burden" the other with your fears, uncertainties, saddness, frustration, etc.  Your H needs to be redirected to a healthy possitive approach to his healing. And you do too. Don't give up.  I believe he loves you and can move forward and be closer than ever!