Could there be a happy ending?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2013
Could there be a happy ending?
1
Fri, 03-01-2013 - 12:11pm

Well I came here on Monday and vented about my dh's inappropriate textual relationship.  In a weird coincidence he was scheduled to go out of town the morning after I caught him.  This actually worked out to be the best thing that could have happened.  I was able to be alone (with the child) gather my thoughts, do my research, write my furious emails and pull at all the strings.  In the initial conversation after the discovery he admitted to phone calls but it really was a blow to see the phone records.  Through a couple of phone calls between us everything came out, he took full responsibility and as I heard from our mutual friends who were communicating with him he was devastated and terrified I would leave him.  Here is where I have to give him credit - on the phone calls he said over and over again he was sorry, he f'ed up and he was a d!ck.  He took full responsibility on his own - he never blamed me or her.  Again through a mutual friend I found out she was the pursuer and started sending him nasty pictures, but he never laid the "well what could I do she tempted me" on me.  

So the moment comes when we are face to face.  I told him flat out - no contact with her, I have full access to everything and we are going to counseling.  He agreed to it all.  I still had to know - why, why - how could you do this?  After a couple of long nights of talking and crying it boiled down to he was at the right place in his life that someone showed an interest and he thought a little dirty texting and some chatty phone calls were no big deal.  The fact that she was halfway across the country and it wouldn't get physical played a large role.  I will take absolutely no blame for his actions, he is a big boy, he hit send, he never told me that this was going on.  He was kind of obessed with the thought that someone was interested.  It wasn't that he liked her, he liked that she might like him and was showing interest in him (I'm going to have to show him the definition of catfish).  While I don't take any responsibility whatsoever, things need to change in our marriage - including me.

So far she has not contacted him at all (just an aside - I found the first text which was not dirty but definitely inappropriate for my husband to speaking with someone like this - I responded back "what would my wife say" "i don't know" she replied "Well you should - you are talking to her" - I told her to lose the number - permanently and not a word since.)

Someone mentioned in another discussion that after finding out that her husband had done the dirty texting thing she is acting (I think she said like a cat in heat?).  I can understand that I am the same way.  The day he came home I got up early and did my toes, dressed sexy and really worked on my hair and makeup.  It's like we are saying - yo dumba$$  - what the hell are you doing?  You've got a hot woman who loves you right here.  This is probably a by-product of this being a cyber relationship and not a physical one.

We start counseling next week and we have taken time talking a lot of things out and getting the air clear (maybe too much talking!), the intimacy is wonderful and we have realized that we love each other and want to recommit to having a happy healthy marriage.  Inside I am terrified that this could happen again - and I definitely don't have full trust in him but I am going for it anyway.  If it happens again - it is over.

Avatar for Kendahke1
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2012
Sun, 03-03-2013 - 10:27am

Quote:
 The day he came home I got up early and did my toes, dressed sexy and really worked on my hair and makeup.  It's like we are saying - yo dumba$$  - what the hell are you doing?  You've got a hot woman who loves you right here.  

 I was that way all the time with my df (we've recently gotten back together after about 2 1/2 years apart-we'd been together about 13 years at the time); in fact, to this day and to anyone, he would admit that I am the hottest, sexiest woman he'd ever been with, that no woman ever in his life compared to me...  yet...  he cheated on me.  He told me that she couldn't hold a candle to me and all that blah blah.   We have gone over and over the reasons why he did what he did and I have had to make peace with the fact that he thought that the course of action he took was a good idea.

The thing that has helped is that like your husband, he also has never attempted to deflect blame from himself; he knows he was wrong and he knows he did a whole lot of damage to me and to us.  Had he acted like a punk about it, then I would not have had anything more to do with him.  It actually surprised me the level to which he submitted himself to my wrath for a long, long time.  His behavior has been consistent with someone who is genuinely contrite.  It has been real, slow going for a real, real long time; some of those days I didn't think I would live through, the pain was so bad.

So, yes, there can be a happy ending, if what you want is to maintain your marriage and he wants nothing more than to maintain your marriage.  Will it be the pristine vessel it once was? No, but if both you and he can see the value in what you two have, you two can build something that is strong and worthwhile with one another.