iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2012
Sat, 08-03-2013 - 2:00pm

Hello, I hope someone can help me see things for what they are because I am having such a hard time. I found out about my husbands double life (maybe it is deemed correct to call it that.) about two months ago. I do not feel like he has fully talked to me about everything that has happened and I am just so confused and am having a hard time moving on. We have not been married long, just a little over a year and a half and have a baby together. I want to stay for our daughter's sake and want to believe that trust will be rebuilt but I am just having such a hard time.

At the end of last year I had our child and as you all know what a big adjustment having a baby can be and how emotional and painful recovering from childbirth is. He was actually very supportive and helped when I asked him to do something. I had a family emergency and had to go back home which was several hours away. A family member died and it was just such a bad time. Apparently my husband decided that he would post to craigslist for nsa sex several times. Craigslist is so disgusting. First he was married and could have passed a long a disease to me and in turn to our daughter who I have exclusively bf since birth. He of course claims nothing ever came of it. Said he did exchange emails with a woman but they never met. Ugghhh....

I found out about this not from him but from an email account that is soley to link his phone. I am very upset about this and do not believe that nothing ever came of it. I have to trust that nothing did but how in the world is that possible after all the sneaking around. He also went out with some friends in May to a bar and ended up taking a cab back to an old highschool friend's house who happens to be a girl. He said they almost kissed but didn't. He said at some point they talked about why didn't they ever date and told me he calls her the best girl he never dated. I wasn't mad at all about him going out to a bar. I don't care and at the time trusted him. I was fine with him going off and doing something alone every now and then. I found out about the craigslist thing after I found out about everything with the old friend. I just cannot get over all this. Especially when he barely will discuss it. it's like he thinks I should just shove everything under the rug and I refuse to do that.

Any insight would be greatly appreciated. I need to believe him when he says nothing happened but it is so hard to. I refuse to be taken for a fool. I just can't believe any of this has happened. I would have never expected this from him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2008
In reply to: lizbeth83
Mon, 08-05-2013 - 8:54am

Hi Lizbeth.  Unfortunately you can not believe what your H TELLS you.  You need to look at his actions.  Is he remorseful or sorry he got caught?  what is he doing to instill trust back into your relationship?  Is he willing to do whatever it takes to rebuild that trust, including answering your questions, counseling and or being an open book with his phone, email, etc?  Does he have empathy for your feelings?  How is he going to learn and show you he has learned how to set proper boundaries as a married man?  IMHO, unless he is willing to do all of the above, you can not trust his words.

it is very common for the WS (wayward spouse) to want to sweep things under the rug.  If it is then they can skate along without taking responsibility for their poor choices.  Often if pressed then they try to convince the BS that it is their fault the WS made the terrible choice to cheat (putting ads for sex on Craigslist is betraying one's spouse).  

Ask yourself what you want and expect from your H.  Tell him these things and look for his ACTIONS not just words.  When I was dealing with my EXH's betrayals I went to a counselor myself,she really helped me through the pain. If you can go to one do so. You are deserving of a loving, faithful husband who stands by your side in difficult situations not one who runs in the other direction when times are hard. Accept no less!  Life and marriage is full of challenges what happens when you encounter another one?

Many Hugs!


iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2012
In reply to: lizbeth83
Mon, 08-05-2013 - 11:38am

Thanks for the reply Ollie. No I can't believe him. I've read several posts in regards to the internet being used for spouses to cheat. I know every situation is different but I wonder is it true they all say they never followed through? He posted at least 8 times for casual sex and who knows how many of other ppl's post he responded to. The whole thing is just icky to me.

He told me a couple of days ago that he did it because he had cold feet. He didn't want to be married and wasn't ready to have another baby. See I have a hard time beliving that because he has been married before ad this isn't his first child. I guess it makes sense because essentially he was acting like he was single but still hurts to hear. I keep thinking back to that time and I cannot think of anything that was terribly bad. I was 4 wks postpartum so I was limited in how I could be intimate but still tried to keep him happy and do other things since we couldn't have sex yet. He's been here before with his first wife.... three times in fact so he should know medically it isn't good to be intimate after having a baby. I guess I am focusing on things that I shouldn't. The fact is it happened and I want to move one I just don't know how.

I have been going to councelling and he has to. He thinks we should work on ourselves first and then work on each other. Yes it makes sense but is so hard when we are living in the same house and are not focusing on our problems at hand. I have such a hard time getting him to open up about it. I know he is embarrassed but it has to be done.

We have not been married long and this already happened? I guess it doesn't matter but it still bothers me. I just am scared of this happening again down the road and then we have too much invested together to make a split even harder. I really am worried about our daughter first and for most. I want her to be ok and not in an enviroment where this is acceptable.

He has not given me full access to his stuff. He changed his passwords after I found out bc he wasn't sure what I would do. Really? I am not one for public humiliation and had no intention of draining our bak account. I don't know what he expects from me. I need everything to be out in the open so I can learn trust him again.

Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006
Mon, 08-05-2013 - 5:31pm

So glad to hear you are both in counseling.  Separate or together, I don't know what is best.  What matters is you are both attempting to look at yourself and hopefully you can each find clarity in that, what ever the outcome may be. 

My experience has been that sometimes when they are so brazen, you almost start to question whether you are making a bigger deal out of it than necessary.  KWIM?  He might be telling you the truth.  I could be possible that the simply tempted fate and realized he really couldn't do it.  But like Ollie said, I think his actions from this point out will be very telling. 

For instance, will he be defensive or will he be sensitive to how inappropriate his behavior was, even if he didn't follow through?  Stuff like that.  Oh, the stories I could tell about my first 2, now xH's.  Sigh....

Hang in there and keep going to counseling, regardless of what your DH does, or does not do. 

Serenity CL Making a Second Marriage Work


iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2008
In reply to: ollie2008
Mon, 08-05-2013 - 10:55pm

Hi Lizbeth,  the fact that your H changed his passwords and refuses to 'be an open book'. Suggests to me that he still has something to hide.  Those who have nothing to hide, hide nothing.  IMHO, most WS's don't tell the whole story--many went farther or were more involved than the say they were.  Another reason not to trust his words.  I have seen this happen over and over again on these boards and with my own EXH. 

Unfortunately when the wayward spouse is found out they often go more underground--use a different cell phone, erasing communications, using work phone or computer, etc.  

Read the fabulous post by pater familia below your thread about what to do when you first find out.  Especially the 180.  Try to implement as much of the 180 that you can.  It will empower you and may knock your H off the fence. The only thing you have control of is your actions or reactions.  If your H decides he is going to continue to betray you, you also have choices.  Tell your H what you expect and accept no less.

it's great you are going to counseling.  Maybe the councelor will help your H learn to set proper boundaries.  He needs help.  I would also suggest you visit an attorney.  You don't have to divorce because you go see one but it will show you where you stand financially.  Do you work outside the home?  Make yourself a plan B.  It never hurts any woman to be prepared no matter how strong her marriage is.

hang in there


iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
In reply to: lizbeth83
Sun, 10-06-2013 - 12:31am

You really cannot trust this situation, and you need to get tested to take care of yourself.  I've posted here off and on for years and it seems you never get the truth all at once - you get what we call "trickle truth", meaning one detail here, another detail there, and it tends to drive you nuts that way because it just makes it go on and on and on.  My feeling is when they go far enough to make actual live contact with a real person, it changes it all and cannot be trusted.  He's your husband and was supposed to have given up extracurrical "activities" the day you committed to one another.  That he won't discuss it is a big red flag - he should be volunteering whatever info is out there but instead he's taking the stance what you don't know is for the best.  Many of our DHs immediately provided all e-mail accounts, phone accounts, and knew we would be monitoring it all until we didn't feel the need anymore.  THAT is what they do if there's nothing to hide.  He "went live" here, he caused this mess, and right about now he should be doing anything and everything he can to make things right, not just staying quiet.  This is going to nag until it gets handled, just so you know, and it'll nag a long time even then.  But get tested - nobody knows for sure what he did or didn't do, or when he did, either.  Scummy behavior.