Crushed

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2009
Crushed
7
Wed, 07-29-2009 - 3:26pm

I originally posted on 'Life after Betrayal' but

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-10-2008
In reply to: synneve1979
Thu, 07-30-2009 - 3:21am
Your post really opened my eyes since it was only emotional in nature (hopefully). You were a loving, open, caring wife and you did nothing to cause this. Many men believe that harmless encounters, including conversations, and innocent flirting, are not cheating, and will not lead to cheating. Like you said, he didn't believe a line had been crossed unless sex was involved. I am sure my STBX thought the same. Sadly, if they turn it around and step in your shoes, if you talked to a guy innocently starting out and told yourself that only having sex meant you were cheating, they might see it differently. It seems that you H's relationship with this woman was an innocent office one, if anything, at first, and slowly progressed as he gave into small things (rides, hugs, etc). You are lucky that he never physically cheated, although I can imagine this is JUST as painful. I've learned from my experience and from other people on this board is that, he chose to do these things, it is out of your control. You did nothing wrong. All you must do is build up trust again (if it is worth it to you) and hopefully heal your heart. The only thing you can give him right now is a second chance, he must be the one to prove that YOU can trust HIM. From what I've read your husband doesn't seem like a "typical" cheater. He was open and honest with you about how she opened up to him, and the slow progression of their relationship probably didn't seem like a big deal to him. He needs to realize that this is an emotional affair and that in order for your marriage to heal or move forward he needs to be 100% open and honest about everything from here on out. Trust must be built on a new foundation, as the old one has crumbled. You two obviousy have a heatlhy relationship, with great communication, for a long time before this happened. I hope you two would consider couples counseling, as not to throw away such a long relationship.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
In reply to: synneve1979
Thu, 07-30-2009 - 7:23am
Welcome to the board - I am sorry for your pain.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-21-2009
In reply to: synneve1979
Thu, 07-30-2009 - 3:48pm

Reading your feelings and thoughts was a bit like reading my own story.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2009
In reply to: synneve1979
Thu, 07-30-2009 - 5:04pm

"How is he planning on working on rebuilding your marriage?" I am not sure he has a plan...he says now he knows how to guard himself against the slippery slope of having a platonic relationship with a female coworker and waking up one day from denial

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-09-2009
In reply to: synneve1979
Fri, 07-31-2009 - 11:46am
Let me just start by saying, I feel you on this. Read my post "Cheating Husband". We are so much alike in this situation. We have been together since 1996 (highschool) and got married in 2005. Had first and only baby in 2007. He denies having sexual relations also, other than kissing. And to be honest, it hurts like hell, yes, but I believe him. Like you, I know my H and I knwo he is a great person! ALways has been. Granted there are things that could have been done to prevent this sort of thing, but in all reality, I think your H, as well as mine, realizes that we (you and I) are more important to them than a loveless A. Just think about it this way, the OW doesn't know their problems they harbor inside, their habits, their thoughts and feelings. It's all a show to them. WE know the real men they are. And to be honest, it would take a long time for another woman to accept them for who they are, like we do. I updated my post this morning. Take a look at it. Girl, it hurts...really bad...the what if's, the visions of them together, what they talked about, the lies, etc...but let me tell you...listen to positive and negative feedback. but listen to your heart, not those wheels that turn and put all bad thoughts into your head. Follow your heart. If you believe him, then follow that. It will take a while to gain trust back, but eventually you will, i think. I'm starting to already and it's only been a month since I found out. I still envision confronting OW and ripping her limb from limb. lol But we have to know that we (women like you and I) are WOMEN. REAL WOMEN. we are strong, classy, and everything a man could ever ask for and want. Remember that. My H is sincerely remorseful for what he has done. and I beileve him. It's not like him to do something like this and he realizes that. He thought I didn't want him anymore, although he admits it doesn't justify what he has done, but at least he realizes that. a 2 year old child takes its toll on a marriage...we're exhausted, he just got a promotion at work (and works outdoors in the heat everyday), my job has been stressful with audits and such and time with friends and family has taken it's toll. Spreading yourself too thin and not making time for and with eachother. It sux...i know. Keep your head up. If you want to get through this, ask him this, face to face...I did the other night and it WORKED! "You either want me or her. When you can come to me and tell me that you can't
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2009
In reply to: synneve1979
Fri, 08-07-2009 - 11:15am

My thoughts today –


iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2009
In reply to: synneve1979
Mon, 08-10-2009 - 5:39pm

Hi Synneve 1979,


I can so relate to the part of your post about how he looked in her eyes.

T.J.