Crushed Husband

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-11-2010
Crushed Husband
31
Sun, 07-11-2010 - 12:27pm
I had been married for less than a year when I found out about my wifes affair last week.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-11-2010
In reply to: boomer30
Tue, 07-13-2010 - 9:47am

I hate it to! I hate it for you and for me and the rest of the unsuspecting people out there who just got hit by the truck. The loss of sleep I understand. I'm not sure I slept for the first week and lost 20 lbs. in the last month. I didn't tell anyone except my best friend and still haven't. I'm not sure if it made it any easier to keep things to myself or not. Talk to a professional. They look at it and listen with no judgment. The therapy will help you whether you stay or go. It will help with your next relationship or the one you're in. I don't know much at this point because it's early for me but i do know that it's still YOUR life and you have to live it and make a decision to live it well. Find joy in doing things with your friends, your family and immerse yourself in what makes you happy. One of the other posts is absolutely correct. Honesty is very important right now but your reactions to what she tells you are critical. She's afraid of telling you the truth because it will cause more damage. Most people don't tell the truth if they think you're going to lash out. You have every right to lash out but if you do, she'll be more hesitant to tell you the truth next time. You need the truth to make an informed decision and she needs to know that. The puzzle letter is wonderful, it helped me and helped my husband understand why I needed the truth. Be careful of wanting to know the "Gory Details". They may create images in your mind that you might not be able to shed. You need to know what happened and what risks you may be facing but the gory details don't really serve much of a purpose. I got tested for STDS immediately and they were all negative, thank God, but it put my mind at ease. Protect yourself but try not to punish yourself further. You're a 30 yr. old man with a wonderful life ahead of you. If you chose not to stay you will find someone who loves you, will care for you and make you happy. Staying is a lot of work!! I found some comfort on the "Beyond Affairs" website. These are people who stayed together but they don't judge one way or the other. there are also links to support groups where you can go and talk to other people who have been through it if you feel that's something you want to do. I may do that myself at some point. More hugs sent your way!!!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-11-2010
In reply to: boomer30
Tue, 07-13-2010 - 10:39pm
She is still lying about stupid things.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2010
In reply to: boomer30
Tue, 07-13-2010 - 11:08pm
It is your issue with regard to what decision to make.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2007
In reply to: boomer30
Wed, 07-14-2010 - 9:15am

(HUGS)


As I have read it looks like you are going through many stages that we all have gone through and probably still are. The sorrow and despair is so deep. You wonder why, is this a joke, you throw your head back and just shake your head and just wonder why this is happening to me?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-11-2010
In reply to: boomer30
Wed, 07-14-2010 - 9:30am

Ok, IT' NOT YOUR FAULT! Something you said in anger once did not cause this affair. One thing I have learned through reading A TON is that when a person cheats it's something lacking in their personality and they have to figure out what it is through their own therapy or soul searching. Don't let anyone set a time limit on your grieving. It's a process you have to go through and it takes as long as it takes. I know what you mean about the eating and sleeping. My husband had no trouble eating and sleeping and I was angry at him for that because here I am wasting away, clothes dropping off and he's shoveling food. It made me nuts. Your wife didn't have the rug ripped out from her and you are the still the person she always thought you were. Some authors compare being cheated on to a natural disaster like a hurricane or a tornado. They got that right. It's even harder when it's someone you've know for a long time. I'm glad you made the appt. for MC. Take your time with this. You need it. Try not to look at it as wasting time or not moving on with your life while you are working through it. Try to look at it as you are trying to improve your life to ensure good future (easier said than done, I know!) What you learn through therapy about yourself will make this or another relationship better. She doesn't get off the hook by forcing you to move on with this quicker. Again, I know you are obsessed with this now, I am too, but do yourself a favor and force yourself to go fishing, play pool with your friends, whatever, to give your body and mind a break. (((Hugs)))
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2007
In reply to: boomer30
Wed, 07-14-2010 - 9:37am

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-11-2010
In reply to: boomer30
Sat, 07-17-2010 - 3:57am
Horrible day today.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-11-2010
In reply to: boomer30
Sat, 07-17-2010 - 7:56am
I should have never asked for more details.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-10-2009
In reply to: boomer30
Sat, 07-17-2010 - 5:40pm
Good luck, Boomer30. If anybody ever needed it, you do. My opinion is that the very last thing you want to do is get this woman pregnant. You would be far better off cutting the tie that binds you to her and finding someone who you can trust. With no children, you will never be in a better position to dump her and start over. You have already let this situation affect your lively hood and who's to say what versions 7, 8 or 9 will entail?
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2009
In reply to: boomer30
Sun, 07-18-2010 - 4:53pm
..a baby will NOT make this better...I think (hope this doesn't sound too harsh)...you should "man up" (just a term, don't mean it gender specific)...tell her right now you need all passwords...right now, without a second thought...tell her you need full disclosure on her every move...as soon as you ask for it...tell her to stop contact with anyone she has been involved with right now...and, tell her that you will do your best to work as hard as she does on the marriage...tell her to deal with the anger/hurt you feel right now just as you and if she doesn't like it, she can leave...demand that she treat you with respect...or, demand that she leave...but, above all...do not get her pregnant...for God's sake, don't have unprotected sex with her...she may have a disease...