Crushed Husband

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-11-2010
Crushed Husband
31
Sun, 07-11-2010 - 12:27pm
I had been married for less than a year when I found out about my wifes affair last week.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-11-2010
In reply to: boomer30
Sun, 07-11-2010 - 1:20pm
Should I believe her now when she cries and says don't leave me?
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2007
In reply to: boomer30
Sun, 07-11-2010 - 6:48pm

Oh boy.......I'm sorry you have to go through this. This is a tuff one isn't it?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2007
In reply to: boomer30
Sun, 07-11-2010 - 9:10pm

Here's a hug for ya Boomer.


I know the horror of it only too well, and wouldn't want to go through those early weeks of discovery again for a million dollars.


Firstly, know that this is not your fault, and that you didn't deserve this.


It sounds to me from your post, that she didn't actually sleep with him. From the searches it sounds like they got carried away, but didn't actually do the deed. Small comfort I know, but we gather what comfort we can at this stage.


I think the most important thing to establish at first is that it's truly over between them, and again, I could be wrong, but it sounds like this other man was fairly forthcoming about what happened (unless you beat it out of him, sorry just joking), and if he intended to carry on, I'm thinking he would have been more defensive.


Anyway, mainly I wanted to say, just giving you the benefit of my rather wonky, 2 years since discovery day, hindsight, that although this honestly does feel like the very end of the world, things will get easier. You really don't have to leave if you don't want to. This doesn't have to be the end of your marriage. Assuming that it's all over, then you really can recover and go on to have a great marriage. It's hard. Certainly the hardest thing that I've ever had to do. But it is possible.


If you want to hug her, then hug her. If you don't want to leave, then don't leave. It's ok. It's going to be ok one way or another. Just try to eat a little something, and try to get a little sleep when you can and go from there.


I very, very rarely post here now, but this board helped me eversuch alot in the beginning. You have come to a good place, where people really do understand the pain that you are feeling.


Love Bridget xx


My original post nearly 2 years ago


http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rladultery&msg=45567.1&x=y

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-11-2010
In reply to: boomer30
Sun, 07-11-2010 - 10:01pm
Thank you so much for the heartfelt response.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2004
In reply to: boomer30
Mon, 07-12-2010 - 12:31am

sorry to hear that your in this position. I usually say make no decisions, you don't have to leave or even stay. But don't let anyone rush you into making a decision about your life not even your wife.

Your wife's actions will "show" you which direction you want to go. She will have to prove no contact, that is absolutely a must. She must not have any more contact w/ this OM!!! If she does you'll have to have consequences that you can and will follow thru on. You deserve to be in a relationship w/ one person and no third party involved. IF she shows you that she is not contacting this other person then take your time, demand therapy and let her actions show you.

good luck and hugs, t

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-11-2010
In reply to: boomer30
Mon, 07-12-2010 - 10:25am

First let me says that I AM where you are and I understand. I found out a little over a month ago that my husband of 14 years, a man I have loved since I was 15 had an affair with his former boss. The sexual part of the affair went on for two months. He did sleep with her and I found out when I woke up one morning, got into bed with him and he pushed me away. He wouldn't have sex with me and right then I knew he must have someone else. I confronted him later that night and he confessed. I later found out who. My marriage was not great but it was mine and it's all that I knew. I understand about the one person you loved and trusted most in the world hurting you and letting you down.

At first, I screamed, yelled, ripped up my wedding album in his face to show him how I felt and how he destroyed me and our marriage. I thought I would pack up and leave. Had you asked me before I found out what I would do if he ever cheated I would have no doubt said throw him out and get on with my life. No one knows how you feel unless they've walked a mile in your shoes. Take people's advice cautiously, there are many out there whose bad advice can take you to places you don't want to go.

Once this happens, it's not so simple. I love him, always have, always will despite what he's done. I've read a few books about affairs and how to get through it alone or together. You don't have to leave, you don't have to stay. It's up to you and you may not know the right thing to do right now. Do let yourself feel the emotions. This is not your fault! I've taken the responsibility for setting up an environment that made my marriage susceptible to an affair but will never take responsibility for him crossing that line.

I too am crushed, heart broken and confused. You should be, you are entitled to that. I don't know if this helps but I have chosen FOR Now to stay. We have started counseling and from what I know the affair is over. I based my decision on my husbands regret, apologies and efforts to make things better. Things are getting better between us but there is not a morning I don't wake up and think about it. It follows me throughout my day. I take it a moment at a time. My emotions are on a roller coaster daily and it is hard to cope. It effected my job as well and I had to take a few weeks off to get it together. Do what helps you cope right now but be safe and try not to bring yourself ant more pain.

I'm sending big hugs your way and I hope and pray your pain eases with time. This is the first time I posted but felt the need to reach out and tell you that you're not alone. I do have a 6 year old and I will tell you that having a child involved makes things more difficult. You might want to hold off on the baby making for now until you really get a handle on what's going on. I don't know how my or your situation will end up but I do know that we have to take care of ourselves and we can help each other through even if it's just through these posts.

Oh, I also check his emails, FB and phone daily...sometimes more than once a day. It something I have to do for now to protect myself. It may not be forever but for now I feel like I'm entitled and it's needed. If he's not willing to be completely open and honest at this point, I'm not going to continue to try...it's sort of my safety net.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-11-2010
In reply to: boomer30
Mon, 07-12-2010 - 7:56pm
Today was very difficult.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-11-2010
In reply to: boomer30
Mon, 07-12-2010 - 11:04pm

My wife got mad at me when I wanted her facebook password.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2007
In reply to: boomer30
Mon, 07-12-2010 - 11:43pm

No, it's not unreasonable. People who have nothing to hide, hide nothing. You are married. Married people shouldn't have secrets. If she wants to keep you, she needs to be an open book. It takes a while for this to sink in though. It took a very, very long time for my husband to understand that lying and hiding things of any sort would not be tolerated. It helps if they understand that you have one foot out of the door.


Yes, the convenient memory loss. V. Familiar here. Can't remember = I'm not going to tell you. There's nothing you can do. If she won't tell you, she won't tell you. We find out many of the details later, one way or another. How much less painful it would be if they would just open up and tell the truth, rather than trickle truth us or continue to lie. I'm sure there are many details that I will never know. But I have come to accept that, and try to look at our relationship as it is NOW. That it is over between them, and never was any comparison to what we have, either then or now. It was simply a sordid friends with benefits affair, which never was going to turn into anything more. A cheap thrill. How sad that something so cheap could be so destructive.


Here's the puzzle

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2010
In reply to: boomer30
Tue, 07-13-2010 - 1:55am
You can do so much better. first of all you need to take care of yourself, get some therapy and find out why you would put up with this abuse, before you move onto your next relationship, you need to be healthy and strong. this girl is walking all over you and you are letting her, cut her loose. let her be with the other guy, she will do to him what she did to you. you deserve so much better, you should find out why you want to stay with her though, you have some issues, i am not judging, i have issues too!

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