Crushed Husband

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-11-2010
Crushed Husband
31
Sun, 07-11-2010 - 12:27pm
I had been married for less than a year when I found out about my wifes affair last week.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-11-2010
In reply to: boomer30
Tue, 07-27-2010 - 8:08am
My heart truly goes out to you. I'm still here doing the same. Trying to do the best I can and you're right, the down time is terrible. The thoughts of the affair haunt my days and my nights. Even when I think I'm wrapped up in a show or having fun, something sneaks in to remind me and I fall apart. I've decided to get myself some individual counseling as well as the MC. Maybe they can offer me some strategies to cope. My husband feels like dealing with my breakdowns daily is getting to be too much. This is difficult to here because I think to myself, God, you hurt me in the worst way possible and dealing with MY feelings is too much??? I'm desperate for some normalcy and I can't seem to find it. I have days where I feel strong and think I'm letting it go and then it all comes flooding back. Sometimes I wonder if there is someone else out there who would love me more, understand better and not ever do this to me?? Then I think, I don't want someone else...I want him, but I want him to want me in the same way!!! Hang in there, but don't lose yourself in this. It's part of your life but not all of it. ((((Hugs)))
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-10-2009
In reply to: boomer30
Sat, 07-24-2010 - 7:09pm

Boomer, if your wife "rarely" initiates sex with you, you are kidding yourself if you think it will ever improve in the future. My take on it is that she was having sex with the other guy in the hopes of becoming pregnant and she blames you for this not happening with the two of you.
Believe this, if it happened, you wouldn't be the first to end up supporting another guy's offspring thinking you were the father.

Get the hell away from her even if you have to give her everything you have and start over in some other location in the WORLD!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2007
In reply to: boomer30
Sat, 07-24-2010 - 6:53pm

Boomer it is your decision of course, but why bring a innocent baby into such an unstable situation. This is new and raw. You are sliding your wife a bit of trust right now. Why not put the baby situation on hold for a year or

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-11-2010
In reply to: boomer30
Sat, 07-24-2010 - 1:30pm
Thank you for all your support.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-11-2010
In reply to: boomer30
Sat, 07-24-2010 - 8:35am

I'm glad you found the strength to move on and I hope she never hurts you again. It's all very fragile, but it's there. It's been two months for me and we are slowly moving forward. I have good days and bad days and believe in all the things he's telling me (with caution). I do keep reminding him to keep me informed and that there can't be anymore surprises. He knows that if the OW contacts him in any way, I need to know immediately. So far she has stayed away (so he says) and has not contacted him. It was a work affair so I wouldn't know if she contacted him at work or not. He got upset about me wanting to answer his work cell but I told him that he needs to allow me to do that in order for me to feel secure. I only pick it up when an private number or unknown number comes up. There is no privacy now, there can't be. At least not for a while. I guess I'll regain that over time but for know I need to keep checking. I wish you continued joy, luck and happiness.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-11-2010
In reply to: boomer30
Fri, 07-23-2010 - 1:30am
Tonight was a good night.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2007
In reply to: boomer30
Fri, 07-23-2010 - 1:03am

It is all very raw right now.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2010
In reply to: boomer30
Thu, 07-22-2010 - 1:59pm

Boomer...Hang in there man.
I know exactly how you feel & have been down this road. If you want to stay with your wife there are a few things you need to find out.
First you need to decide if you can live with this betrayal long enough to heal and trust here again( you may never btw). It's not fair to you or her if you cant let go to some degree eventually. You guys will never make it if you throw it in her face every time you regress back into deep pain or get pissed. I'm not saying to just eat it and move on. You need to vent and let her know how divested you are now.

Next you need to talk to her and find out why she did this. Stress she needs to be straight with you no matter how hard it may be to say, or for you to hear. If shes not honest at that point you are doomed.
Dealing with the possibility's.....Was it an old flame she is possibly still in love with? Is there something sexually she needs? Is she uncomfortable asking for it?
Now this is where that gets complicated. In the event she has a desire you will never be able to fulfill can you live with that? You will have to consider asking her to give something up and hope she can keep her promise.
That opens the door for resentment. The last thing you want to represent is what she "will never have".
So you have to weigh not only the personal cost of staying in the relationship but the cost to her as well. She may be so guilt ridden that staying out of obligation to make it right is blinding her sens of realization.

Being realistic about how you both feel and the chance of working it out is what matters most in the beginning.
I/We are survivors of this same breach of trust. Never believe that your wife does not love you because of her actions alone.Good People make bad choices & mistakes..situations get out of control...That's life man. It happens.

I wills say in closing..remember in the end your mental and emotional health need to be the over all priority. You need to watch your back for a long time man..but remember at some point " if the relationship survives" you will have to let go because she will have earned the right to expect your trust. For now she should not resist you asking questions and watching.. If she loves you and wants to make it right privacy is a small price to pay for a little while..

Good luck man..
T

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-11-2010
In reply to: boomer30
Wed, 07-21-2010 - 9:58pm
It's only been a couple weeks since I recieved the worst news of my life.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2007
In reply to: boomer30
Sun, 07-18-2010 - 7:28pm

Boomer,


DO NOT GROVEL AT HER FEET. You discuss with her the boundaries of a marriage to you and

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