D-Day # 2????

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-16-2009
D-Day # 2????
13
Thu, 04-23-2009 - 11:02am

Do you consider it a second d-day if you find out that they have been in contact again?


That's what happened to me.

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2009
Thu, 04-23-2009 - 12:55pm
I am sorry you have to go thru this again. I think you don't have much hope if he doesn't go for help. Relapses (I think that's how I would look at it) are common and unless the reasons for the affair are explored in therapy, your H will probably do it again.There is also an addictive quality to affairs and unless that cycle is broken w/professional help I don't think there's much hope. I'm sorry to be blunt,but maybe filing for divorce will give your H the wake-up call he needs and then he'll get help.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2009
Thu, 04-23-2009 - 2:17pm
I'm so sorry that it has gone this way for you.

"If something cannot go on forever, it will stop."  Herb Stein

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-16-2009
Thu, 04-23-2009 - 3:21pm

Heres the real kicker.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2006
Thu, 04-23-2009 - 4:26pm

Honestly, your H is not remorseful enough if he is not willing to get C and fix the flaw within him that keeps him needing the OW. Heck, he isn't even remorseful enough to go NC with her, I am sorry to say.


Lizzie gave you some good advise. There are very few WSs who are capable of doing the massive internal overhaul they need to, without external guidance. C is almost essential. For example, my H’s OW. Her H did not force C (his W refused it), and he did not force her to lose the friend who was loaning her apartment for my H and her to meet at, and supporting the A. I told my H these were big mistakes. I predicted that she will be back at it, and that my H probably was not the first. A year later, her H was giving his wife’s new AP our phone #, because her new AP, deep in his A fog, would not believe that the OW had done this before. In his mind, she was an angel and what they had together was SOOO special (yah right). At the time, he was contemplating leaving his W of 16 years for the OW. His family was distraught. I am not sure what happened after I confirmed my H’s A with the OW to her new AP’s family. Her new AP never had the guts to call us directly. Sordid.


Personally, I would always insist that therapy was part of my terms for rebuilding.


Good luck, whatever you decide.


MLB


iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
Thu, 04-23-2009 - 4:57pm
Hey, you go, girl!!!

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2008
Thu, 04-23-2009 - 5:44pm
you are funny and have common sense lady
He is making excuses still to carry on the only way to snap him out of it is to back off and show him the door as often as he takes advantage of your soul
your second post seems far too understanding to me - I am sure you told him NC and he agreed even though it risked you he did it AGAIN
I have been there too and the ONLY thing that works with these big babies is to not take any crap any more
you must be strong and put your foot down - even if he has to leave that job to keep you he should be willing too
can you handle them working together after this
maybe it is time for him to go (to another work environment or anywhere away from you)
he is just not getting it and not wanting to
I wish you luck, be strong and get what you need with or without him
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Thu, 04-23-2009 - 6:14pm
Oh yes, it most certainly is another d-day, been there done that.
Avatar for cirrus1993
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2003
Thu, 04-23-2009 - 11:12pm

Yes, if you thought there was no contact and he was into rebuilding again only with you, this fits the description of a 2nd dday. This is exactly what happened to me, and it sucks worse than the first time in many ways.

I know exactly what you mean by feeling hollow. I have been hollow for over a month now. It brought back all the original pain, memories, questions and trying to make sense out of the non-sense. It is only now starting to feel a little better. I have been teetering on the edge of not being able to do this anymore, actually going back and forth from knowing Im done, to knowing I love him and maybe there is hope. And it changes for me hour to hour day to day. It really stinks when you cant even believe anything they say.

My h has serious self esteem issues, no friends, a horrible upbringing in which he is not close to any family at all, and the only time we went to counseling which was well over a year before all this betrayal went down, he decides counselors dont know what they are talking about the min they point out anything wrong with him. I really want him to go now, but I dont think he will. Its really hard for me to build his self esteem when I have so much resentment, and theres such a black hole, I could never fill it for him anyway even when I loved him to pieces. It was just never enough.

Thats got to be really hard that they work at the same place. My h doesnt work with OW, he sought her out on the internet, but they work the same schedule- nights, and I work days, so it would be much better for me if he got a day job, but right now in this economy we are just lucky to have a job at all. I go to work all day thinking they are spending the day together.

Big hugs to you. I am sorry you are going through this. Just know you are not alone.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Fri, 04-24-2009 - 9:50am

My DH didn't get my problem with the "friendship" until he was out of the fog. We had several conversations about it and I planted a couple of seeds that eventually took root. Essentially, I was setting a standard I didn't think I should have to set before his "friendship" with OW.

1. Any relationship he feels he has to lie to you about is a problem. 2. If he cannot do or say what he does with or says to someone in front of you, the relationship is a problem.
3. If his "friend" isn't a friend to our M, he shouldn't want that person as a friend.

It also helped that I was feeling bad about myself and guys who like to rescue pick up on that. So, there was the opportunity for several "friendships" with men to develop. I was, of course, transparent with DH about that and it gave him a couple of epiphanies. He started being very careful with his female friends. His boundaries with woman are pretty tight now.

It is tough for DH to talk to other people about his problems, too. We went to an MC and I was really disappointed he didn't open up to her. We could have made a lot more progress if he had. Consequently, I am the only person he really has to talk to, which is a lot of pressure sometimes. He does have friends, but it is difficult for him to trust people. Ironically, it is because of his mom who is a counselor.

I bet your H would go if it was a condition of you staying. If you don't want to drop that bomb, the reading is a good idea. The closest place to do any decent shopping around here is about 45 minutes away. DH and I do it on the weekends as a sort of date. On the way home, I read a book to him and it was a great experience. I stopped in several places and we discussed some deep topics. We both got a lot out of it. You could also buy him a recorded book for him to listen to on his own.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2008
Sat, 04-25-2009 - 3:01am

I could relate to a lot of what you said. Every situation, person, and marriage is different, of course, but here's what happened in my situation and I hope it helps. I've simplified my story about. It's pretty complicated in it's entirety.

First off, my H too refused counseling for over 18 months, although he is finally considering it. He says he's tried it and other things before, they didn't work, and he's tired of failing. He has however, made huge changes in his behavior towards women as a result of an epiphany he had.

It took my H months and months to stop contacting this EA partner. To this day he is confused about when he even did that. He had one text conversation with her about how I was uncomfortable with them talking so much, and he thinks that was it, but they actually continued to talk for a long time after that.

Like your H, I think mine didn't really understand what I was so upset about, but he finally did agree to comply because he knew that was his only chance to keep me around.

It was definitely a slow, grueling process. At first he complied by not initiating conversation. He would respond briefly to her, but always (supposedly) showed me the few texts, and IM's. Then she moved away and the contact continued to dwindle. Finally, she was going through a rough time and contacted him about three times in as many days - I lost it and told him that it was time to tell her to stop contacting him. We had a very ugly conversation, but that was the last time they talked.

That was a year ago. He still will not come out and really say that the relationship was inappropriate unless I prompt him, and I know he misses their friendship, but ultimately it had to be a decision between her friendship or our marriage. It would have been nice for him if he had maintained certain boundaries and could have kept her as a friend, but once he crossed certain lines, that option was closed.

I wish you the best through this trying, confusing time.

Keep us posted.

Pages