D DAY TODAY!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-16-2010
D DAY TODAY!
37
Wed, 09-22-2010 - 2:17pm

D DAY TODAY!!! 15 months ago I got the dreaded phone call from her husband.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-16-2010
In reply to: beingquiet
Mon, 09-27-2010 - 2:30pm

Hi New,



I was talking to my husband this weekend.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-16-2010
In reply to: beingquiet
Mon, 09-27-2010 - 3:16pm

Hi Sissy,



I took notes on a few of the things you said..



Not only was he mean and nasty to me along with me being invisible, the truest part is that he did disrespect me and that is so hard to deal with.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-10-2009
In reply to: beingquiet
Mon, 09-27-2010 - 3:29pm
That, I did. However, the last year I was sharing my home with them, apparently everybody was "in the know" except me. I'm not sure just what they were told, but it seems they were quick to find fault with me and continued to do so until her youngest son needed funds in order to complete his college.
In any event, it was my ex who approached me for his support and I have never heard a word from him in the ten months since.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2005
In reply to: beingquiet
Mon, 09-27-2010 - 9:12pm
Oh, that really sucks. Sorry to hear.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2009
In reply to: beingquiet
Tue, 09-28-2010 - 12:32am

after reading your posts i feel compelled to say something. i hope i am not stepping over the line here. but i would highly recommend that you not do anything while you are so emotionally engaged. i am thinking that possibly, just possibly, there is a better than average chance that you and your husband will be able to build a new foundation. the old one is gone, so do not look for it in your future.

instead i would recommend that the two of you give each other time to asses if this marriage is worth saving, and my money is on the fact that it is.

once you reach that determination you must find a common bond to build that new foundation on. a bond of open communication, honesty, laughter, integrity, common goals, friendship, full access to cell phone records, emails, internet passwords, and love.

56, i am 60 soon to be 61

one thing you have not touched on is this------------ what are you doing for you???? what are doing to take care of you??????????

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-18-2010
In reply to: beingquiet
Tue, 09-28-2010 - 6:52am

I too am experiencing this for the first time in midlife..I am 54...my H 57...the OW 58. The years, experiences for us I think make this such a harder pill to swallow and I too am coming to realize that the pain of having the one person who meant more to me than anyone other than my children do this to me ...the words, the images will always come back, but I hold out hope that they will be less and less. It has been less that a year so far.



I agree with sissy that you should step back while in the emotional state and hold off on decisions...when i find myself in that ste of mental turmoil and feel the meltdowns coming, I just tell myself...okay, step back, calm down and remember, you don't have to make a decision today, or tomorrow, just think. I feel the need to make a plan B for my life...just in case plan A...enjoying my old age with my H, doesn't work out. This is a new concept and it is hard ...never thought I needed a plan B. Right now, I don't want to use plan B...just feel the need to have it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2009
In reply to: beingquiet
Tue, 09-28-2010 - 12:34pm

i hope i am not putting my nose where it should not be but i wanted to comment on your post to beingquiet.

you speak of plan b in case plan a does not work out.

could i recommend that you make your current plan b plan c and instead make plan b be all about you. rediscovering crossroads. i often post about how so many of us betrayed spouses find ourselves a total wreck when the ugliness of our spouses affairs hits us square in the face. we look in the mirror and what is the first thing we do. we begin to pick ourselves apart. "oh, my God, i am looking so old! where did that wrinkle come from? holy moly is that a grey hair i see? these bags, my God i could pack a week full of groceries in them. the brows, when was the last time i even looked at them".

i went thru this------------------- feeling like a real frump. then one day after reading a passage in 'your best life now' by joel osteen (a book i sooooooooooooooooo HIGHLY recommend as a motivator for finding you again, rediscovering the importance of you) i forced myself to go shopping. i went out and bought a new outfit, it was a simple outfit, but it was different. a little out there, you know, some clevage - in the top, the levis, a little snug. from there i went to see my sister who works at macys - she knew what was going on so she took me over first to the estee lauder counter for some complexion revitalizors and then to the benefit counter for some make up. NOTHING LIKE HAVING SOMEONE WORK ON YOUR FACE AND TELL YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL TO AMP UP YOUR SELF ESTEEM. at this time i would like to HIGHLY recommend a product my sister swears by, and i do too, it is called strivectin sd. wow, after about 2 weeks i could really see a difference. hmm, i now had the outfit, the new skin, and the new makeup - oh, i know the hair. time for a new do. hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm - i don't want just any new do, i want a sissy new do. soooooooooo, i decided to add some dark chocolate to my blonde - grey hair. now i have been blonde, blonde, blonde all of my life. i am very fair with the blue eyes - the danish in me. the cut - what can i come up with that will be different - i have got it. on the right side i will have her cut it to chin length, all one length. on the left side - shorter, much shorter right below the ear, again all one length. in the back well we will have her cut it so it meets up with each side - kind of a half moon shape. when i went in the woman, in her 30's listened to my request. she then asked "are you going thru something in your life". i looked at her and laughed "well if you call a cheating sob husband 'something' then the answer would be yes. she was worried that such a dramatic change in color and cut might be upsetting if it did not work out. i told her "honey, after what i have been thru NOTHING is going to upset me. so she did it, she did not really feel comfortable but she did it. AND IT WORKED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i love it.

now while this is what i did - it may not work for you. but here is the thing DO SOMETHING FOR YOU. SOMETHING, ANYTHING. then after you have done the first thing move on to the second thing.

it was also during this time that i began drinking 8 glasses of green tea a day. i also began walking each and every day. a simple walk, early in the day or at the end of the day. sometimes i would drive to the beach, sometimes to a park, and some days around the neighborhood. the green tea i would make and then either drink it hot or pour it over a glass of ice. i also would take a green tea bag and put it into a bottle of arrowhead water, single serving, do about 8 of those in the evening. put them into the refrigerator and then simply pull one out open it, take a drink then take a lemon and squeeze the juice into it. also i would take a knife and cut some of the meat of the lemon and put it in the bottle as well. so good,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

regarding the pictures, and mind chatter. while i am NOT religious i do consider myself spiritual. i purchased the above mentioned book which again i so highly recommend. others have written me and told me how much it meant to them to read such a positive book. it is NOT all about GOD, hell and damnation. nor does he speak like normal preachers. there is a part of the book where he offers up a recommendation to help when you are overwhelmed. overwhelmed is how i often felt when the mind chatter and pictures of them together would not shut up or go away - he recommends that you say to yourself 'let go and let God'. when i did this i was amazed at the calm i felt. try it, it does take focus and practice.

i hope i have given you some food for thought relative to a new plan b. hell, at this point it surely can not hurt right????????? ha ha

seriously now is your time. the reason i offered up a new plan b is this. plan a is about your marriage, your current plan b is about your marriage - but what the hell about YOU? WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO FOCUS ON YOU??????????????

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-10-2009
In reply to: beingquiet
Tue, 09-28-2010 - 1:46pm
There's a lot of wisdom in your post, sissyjacks.
What you suggest has been my road ever since I was ordered out of what had been "our" home.
It works.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2009
In reply to: beingquiet
Tue, 09-28-2010 - 5:07pm

i am so sorry that you were treated in such a manner. you must be a truly good person, as i, well lets just say you would have been watching it on the evening news. after being ordered out of her own home - wife blows up house with husband in it - as she sat and watched it burn to the ground she could be seen drinking a mint julip!!!!!!!!!

the strength you have - too bad you could not bottle and sell it.

continue to take care of you - until and unless we do that, there is no real healing.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-16-2010
In reply to: beingquiet
Tue, 09-28-2010 - 7:29pm
WAIT WHAT?