Dead physical side, anybody?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
Dead physical side, anybody?
6
Sat, 02-23-2013 - 6:14pm

I've been posting here forever, and to try to keep it short, my DH made up his mind he was entitled to have two EAs over the last 17 years - we've been together now an astounding 42 years.  I've also been trying to deal with a health problem plus depression (largely due to him being bad for so long, it finally just overwhelmed me), and right now it bugs me that getting physical is pretty much gone.  In the past, no matter what happened between us, I never allowed that part of our life to die off, it honestly has been a huge glue that kept us together.  But something that I found out about - the guy didn't just tell me about it, I found about it on my own - it just wiped me out.  My last therapist kept telling me to quit beating up on myself, that he made his choices and although he has done a total turnaround and now treats me the way he always should have and then some, my interest seems to have just gone to Timbuktu or something.  I used to enjoy it so much, now it's just not interesting to me.  His interest isn't what it once was, either, we aren't exactly spring chickens.  The way I'd put this is I wish I could look forward to it again and just wonder how some of you I'm sure dealt with this managed to work thru it?????  I probably should be able to figure this out myself, but we live more like roommates with occasional privileges these days.  It bugs me but when you aren't interested, it all changes. 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
Wed, 02-27-2013 - 2:17am

Right, his looks at least to ME aren't the draw, marrying a Gorgeous George probably was 42 years ago.  And right again, yes, he's had two EAs and I keep hoping to not find out there was more than that.  It's slimy, sleazy and immoral to cheat on your spouse, it truly does change things.  The kicker is I didn't believe people could change as much as he has.  When it finally hit him if he didn't clean up his act, I was going to walk, he says he remembers clearly the day he said out loud to himself "what am I DOING????"  For several years now he treats me so well I still can't believe it's totally real, we talk about anything I need to talk about, even things I'm sure he'd rather not.  But....at times him being so nice NOW actually ticks me off, I just think where was this nicer guy all those years he was treating me like #(%&?????  And having EAs?????  He loves me a lot now and as for me, it feels more like we're roommates with a strong bond, if that makes sense.  I just do not want to fool around much at all anymore, and that's not normal for me!!!  Like I said, they cheat and it changes things.  He's going to see the new therapist I located next week and I've already told her that although she asked for and GOT part of the bad boy details, what she is going to see is a reformed, very nice guy.  He IS a nice guy, inside I think he always WAS, I knew it was in there.  It just continues to confound me how they can risk losing their spouse and for what?  Infatuation?  That goes away, love is supposed to last.  Yep, just confusing as heck. 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-1999
Tue, 02-26-2013 - 11:41pm
I also believe out is because the A was such an ugly thing to do that it transcends any good looks. Definetly something toward ugly on the inside less attractive the are on the outside.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
Tue, 02-26-2013 - 11:10am

We "almost" did that after DH's first EA years ago, we were like rabbits for awhile.  And then we weren't - we actually both got so sick of fooling around we just went back to our normal frequency.  I'm with you, I married a very pretty boy and although he looks younger than his age and OBVIOUSLY other women are still finding him attractive enough to go after him, to me I now look at him and that pretty boy just isn't there anymore, and I have no doubt it has a lot to do with his EAs - it just changes things.  Just like me, I'm sure he doesn't see me as attractive now, I think we're older than most on this board. 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-13-2013
Mon, 02-25-2013 - 1:19pm

I went through this too, after I found out about my husband's affair.  A couple of years ago, a therapist came up with a "100 days of sex" where you have sex every day for 100 days to rekindle that spark.  We tried it and it worked.  But the weird part is, I am still not physically attracted to him like I used to be.  I still think he is handsome, but his physical appearance just doesn't turn me on like it used to.   

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-1999
Sat, 02-23-2013 - 11:03pm
Wow, 42 years. Such an accomplishment! For whatever reason, I never got that in your previous posts. The drive in the bedroom here is pretty much over. After H's EA I was told I was too into it and he felt that was all I wanted him for. (whatever). Then I backed off quite a bit, but then he wound up having a PA. Needless to say.... I can't win for losing, so something in me with that just died. Occasionally, there is an itch that needs scratching, but I no longer make sure it stays a vibrant part of our M. Plus, it is just too hard to constantly have to analyze every move in bed. Is he thinking of her, did he do this with her, is she better? (God forbid, right!) Anyways, H is older and has had low drive for years anyways (which floored me that he went PA while in search of a "connection." It also doesn't help that area that he travels for work and I am working on my Masters Degree late at night even when he is home. So, he winds up going to bed hours before me anyways. So.... I know you asked for advise on getting past it. I guess I am not much help. But, I will say that when the desire is there (not very often, but not totally dead either) sometimes I just make myself. I know that it isn't supposed to be something that you "make yourself go through" but in reality sometimes it is because it is a demon that has to be dealt with and sometimes it just has to be tackled head on. And in order to make it a habit again, you have to do it again. Kind of like exercise, right. Feel better afterwards, but sometimes hard to motivate yourself to do. So, you just make yourself and then reap the rewards. So sometimes my motto is just "fake it til you make it!" Like I said right now we are in a down period, but hopefully one day my demons will leave me alone long enough to want to get close that way again. In the meantime, whatever you feel about the bedroom is the right way to feel about it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
Sat, 02-23-2013 - 6:17pm

I'm sorry, iV, but I cannot believe how far down I had to edit the post I just put on.  I used some words that are in no way profanity, I'm not even sure anybody will get the gist of what I'm asking about!  I think you need to make up a list of no no words posters can no longer use so we don't have to edit edit edit out even incredibly tame words nowdays.  Today is the first time they've told me I can't use even really tame words, good grief, it's ridiculous.