Deserted by my Husband

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-05-2011
Deserted by my Husband
25
Tue, 07-05-2011 - 10:06pm

My story starts back just under a month ago. Hubby and I and our two kids (6 ½ year old twins) went out for dinner. Hubby had been feeling sick for a week or so which he told me was the side effect of taking some glucosamine supplements. We ordered our meal and sat to wait for it – he said he felt sick and disappeared to the toilet for about 15 minutes. He came back we ate, put the kids in the kids club and went to play the pokies. We played for a while – he won a jackpot – I gave him a kiss, etc. Then he came to me and said his head was spinning and he needed to go for a walk. I thought this was strange but with him being sick and he’d had a beer I thought fair enough. He disappeared for about half an hour – came back in and I asked if he was ok? and if he wanted to go home. He said we better – so we got the kids and went home. When we got home, put the kids to bed, I asked if he wanted to watch a movie with me – he said no he’ll probably just go to bed. So I went to watch my movie. I had changed into my pj’s, but he hadn’t. He came and sat on the couch with me for a while. I said are you ok? He said yeah just need some sleep. He then left, and came back again – I again asked if he was ok. He said yeah. Then he left and I thought he’d gone to bed. After my movie finished I went to go to bed and found him still fully dressed standing in the kitchen. We then both went to bed. Again I asked him if he was ok, and he said he just needed sleep. I asked him if he wanted a cuddle and he said no. Fast forward to the next day. We get up, he makes breaky for the kids, I do the washing and such. He had a work thing to go to at 1pm in the next town. It was 9.30am and I wanted to go into town. So I asked him what time he would be leaving at? He said well actually I was going to go and have lunch with my parents. I was annoyed – he can do that any week day – he didn’t want to spend time with his family on the weekend. So I told the kids they would have to come with me – so of course they complained a lot, and ran and asked daddy why they couldn’t stay with him. I stupidly said that daddy doesn’t want to spend time with us. Anyway we went out – he promised to put the next load of washing on the line for me. We came back just over half an hour later and he was gone. My son said daddy took his work stuff, but I didn’t notice. Fast forward to around 6pm. I get a phone call from him saying he’s at his parents and not coming home – nothing still clicks as he said they would be having a few drinks and I thought he’d just drunk too much and couldn’t drive home. I ask him what I’ve done. He said that he feels numb, that I don’t let him talk, that I don’t like the same things as he does, that I don’t socialise with his friends etc. I was a blubbering mess and had one kid in the shower so I had to go and deal with them – he said we’d talk tomorrow. I really felt like my whole world has just crashed on me. On the Friday before he left he booked one of the last bits of our overseas holiday (we leave next Tuesday).


So next day I sent him an email asking for help. The first reply said that he was sorry if it came as a shock, but he’s been feeling this way for a long time. He wanted to talk, wanted me to know where he’s coming from. He was sorry for taking off but needed to talk to someone so went to his parents. He felt better after getting it all out. He did try to talk to me Saturday night but it didn’t happen. He was staying at his parents till he worked things out. He was coming home that night to talk.

He came home and told me he felt numb. That we had grown apart and would have to change to make this work, and we shouldn’t have to change. I said this isn’t what I want. I am willing to work on it, see a counsellor etc. He said his decision was made. He’d had doubts for a long time – years back when we built our first house (10 years ago), when we had kids (7 years ago). He had been talking to friends at work and realised our marriage wasn’t normal. That maybe in a week, a month, six months he’ll change his mind. That maybe we got together too young (he was 20, I was 23 – we were each other’s first – together for 13 ½ years, married 7 ½ years) Maybe he needs to see if the grass is greener on the other side. That he wanted to remain friends for the sake of the kids. He still wanted to go overseas for the sake of the kids and for me not to do anything stupid. I asked like what. He said taking silly advise from my sister and parents (my sister is a lawyer). I told him that if I listened to them that the locks would have been changed already and the bank cleared out.

He then left me and went back to his parents so I could process it all. I sent him another email the next day replying to his talk from the night before. I told him it was unfair to not work on this. That he can’t just up and leave because it’s boring. He responded to that telling me that he’s let a lot of things chip away at his emotionally for years. That he’s counted the number of times I refused sex, that I went limp in his arms, that I haven’t kissed him back, that even after he changed his sleeping habits to go to bed later, I started coming to bed even later. That by going to counselling we should be asking us to what we aren’t, and he would be left thinking I changed for him and vice versa. He said it’s not fair to live like that with his getting more and more pissed off with life and the kids suffering. He wants to make things work for the kids. That we can’t live together anymore, but we have common ground with our kids. He’s let all this get to the point where he can never see us being together again.

I replied and thanked him for his honesty and realised a lot of it was my fault. That what is in the past is in the past and it can’t be changed. He said it’s both our faults, but we need to talk to the kids together to tell them what is happening. He then came home last weekend, slept in the lounge room, we chatted briefly about still going away together and then next morning he got up and took the kids to his parents for the weekend.

I had a mini breakdown this week and emailed him saying I wasn’t coping, that I didn’t want to beg but I wanted him to come home and talk to me. He said he’d come but deep down his decision was made. That he’s realised we’d both have to change a lot and it’s not fair. That maybe he’ll regret the decision in six months. He doesn’t know. At this stage he has thought about this too long and can’t see it working anymore. It has nothing to do with him wanting his youth back either. I told him not to bother coming to talk then.

Then I gave up on him. Told him that if that’s his decision he needs to get himself organised, come and get his stuff and return his keys. He got taken back a bit by that and wanted to know why I wanted his keys back – he wasn’t going to come and take stuff. I needed to trust him. I told him that he’d just told me the last x amount of years were all a lie – I didn’t know what to believe. He replied saying he was sorry if it came across that way – it wasn’t a lie. He just felt like it got to the point that there was nothing between us and accepted that to some extent and tried to move on.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-24-2009
Tue, 07-05-2011 - 11:22pm

julz,

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Wed, 07-06-2011 - 12:29am
Sorry but I'd bet he's already seeing someone else. Men VERY RARELY leave their families unless they have someone waiting in the wings. Do you have access to his cell phone or work e mail?
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
Wed, 07-06-2011 - 1:36am
I don't believe him, I think this is crappola. This sounds suspiciously like he's met someone else, I say that after reading hundreds of posts on these boards, and all he says sounds like the kind of well-rehearsed crap many folks have written here. When they start sounding oh so generous and at the same time are breaking your heart, it cannot come across as sincere. Good for you for getting those keys, if he wants to leave he either needs to go or get off the pot, not keeping you miserable. Re-read your post, he's trying TOO hard to sound nice and "sweet" and not wanting to cause you more pain. ???? Whether it's another woman or he's just one more very selfish spouse unwilling to even try to work things out, the end result is the same, it's halfway killing you. Please get counseling ASAP, it's far too confusing to try to get your arms around this alone. We can only go so far helping here, you need a pro's feedback, we're sort of the second string.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-05-2011
Wed, 07-06-2011 - 1:58am

Initially no I thought there was no else. He swore there was no one else, his parents, his friends, his sister all swore there is no one and he doesn't want anyone else in the near future.

He has a work mobile and last time I check that (probably 6 weeks ago) the sms's were deleted. He's changed his facebook page password, and set up a gmail account.

Thing is just before Easter a female work colleage left her husband. He told me that listening to her problems made him realise he wasn't happy. He told me I should have been suspicious as he was chatting to her a lot at night whilst I was tv. My mum commented that she made lots of comments on his facebook profile. I joked to him that my mum had said that and that there was something going on. After he left he told me when I said that he got worried and thought I was onto him.

Whilst away on our overseas family trip he would go down to reception at the same time each night to access the internet.

Last night after I changed our FB status to it's complicated (and after he came and collected all his clothes yesterday - he posted a link to a video - I clicked on the link and the first comment on youtube was from him. It said I have finally broken out of my lifes

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
Wed, 07-06-2011 - 2:59am

I'm so sorry you're going through this.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2008
Wed, 07-06-2011 - 9:21am

great advice from all the posters

yes he is cheating and don't believe the crap he is telling you that blames this all on you

not one bit of it! he is not commited not mature

sure the grass will be greener until the thrill wares off - he doesn't want you to know what is really going on yet he is playing the good guy and it is an act

he would rather run away and have fun at the expense of his family than communicate and work on your relationship (which all relationships are work so don't believe that crap either he is saying about you shouldn't have to change blah blah blah)

don't believe anything he is saying as everything is now about him and his ego and knowing you want him back is just going to make his ego bigger

this is not the man you thought you married don't feed into his game any more

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-05-2011
Wed, 07-06-2011 - 9:01pm

We ended up going away on our overseas trip together. We all got along great. We got home on Monday night and he came and packed his belongings on Tuesday.

He is having an emotional affair with a work colleague. I'm sure of this. I've been told by him, his friends, his parents, his sister that there is no one else and he doesn't want anyone else. And I think that they all 100% believe this. I don't even know if he realises that he's having an emotional affair.

I've done some reading up on these and they are very common. They rarely lead to a normal full blown affair. I still have hope that he'll come to his senses. At the moment he isn't the man I married and the man I know. Even other people have said he's not the man they know. I'm giving him his space and trying to keep this as amicable as possible for our kids.

At present he only wants them once a fortnight. I'm doing what I can to protect ourselves, whilst still leaving things as friendly and open as possible. I've told him I'm not ready to talk about selling the house, or buying him out of whatever. This happened 4 weeks ago - it's still too raw and fresh for me. And I don't belive his crap about this being a long time coming. Something has triggered this and now I know what. Unfortunately because its a work colleague I don't know if he'll be able to break away from her.

I need for him to somehow see sense and see that what we have is worth fighting for. I admit I had a part to play in this and didn't attend to his needs and he's now looking else where to get those attended to. If he had have talked to me I could have fixed it!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Wed, 07-06-2011 - 11:46pm

On the contrary all PAS start out as EAS, and most EAS quickly lead to PAS before the spouse leaves the family. I think the EA is worse than a strictly physical affair with no emotions because he is emotionally invested in her life with the EA. He'd have to find another job to really break free from her.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
Thu, 07-07-2011 - 1:39am

julz,

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
Thu, 07-07-2011 - 2:49am

An emotional affair IS a "full blown affair".

 

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