Deserted by my Husband

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-05-2011
Deserted by my Husband
25
Tue, 07-05-2011 - 10:06pm

My story starts back just under a month ago. Hubby and I and our two kids (6 ½ year old twins) went out for dinner. Hubby had been feeling sick for a week or so which he told me was the side effect of taking some glucosamine supplements. We ordered our meal and sat to wait for it – he said he felt sick and disappeared to the toilet for about 15 minutes. He came back we ate, put the kids in the kids club and went to play the pokies. We played for a while – he won a jackpot – I gave him a kiss, etc. Then he came to me and said his head was spinning and he needed to go for a walk. I thought this was strange but with him being sick and he’d had a beer I thought fair enough. He disappeared for about half an hour – came back in and I asked if he was ok? and if he wanted to go home. He said we better – so we got the kids and went home. When we got home, put the kids to bed, I asked if he wanted to watch a movie with me – he said no he’ll probably just go to bed. So I went to watch my movie. I had changed into my pj’s, but he hadn’t. He came and sat on the couch with me for a while. I said are you ok? He said yeah just need some sleep. He then left, and came back again – I again asked if he was ok. He said yeah. Then he left and I thought he’d gone to bed. After my movie finished I went to go to bed and found him still fully dressed standing in the kitchen. We then both went to bed. Again I asked him if he was ok, and he said he just needed sleep. I asked him if he wanted a cuddle and he said no. Fast forward to the next day. We get up, he makes breaky for the kids, I do the washing and such. He had a work thing to go to at 1pm in the next town. It was 9.30am and I wanted to go into town. So I asked him what time he would be leaving at? He said well actually I was going to go and have lunch with my parents. I was annoyed – he can do that any week day – he didn’t want to spend time with his family on the weekend. So I told the kids they would have to come with me – so of course they complained a lot, and ran and asked daddy why they couldn’t stay with him. I stupidly said that daddy doesn’t want to spend time with us. Anyway we went out – he promised to put the next load of washing on the line for me. We came back just over half an hour later and he was gone. My son said daddy took his work stuff, but I didn’t notice. Fast forward to around 6pm. I get a phone call from him saying he’s at his parents and not coming home – nothing still clicks as he said they would be having a few drinks and I thought he’d just drunk too much and couldn’t drive home. I ask him what I’ve done. He said that he feels numb, that I don’t let him talk, that I don’t like the same things as he does, that I don’t socialise with his friends etc. I was a blubbering mess and had one kid in the shower so I had to go and deal with them – he said we’d talk tomorrow. I really felt like my whole world has just crashed on me. On the Friday before he left he booked one of the last bits of our overseas holiday (we leave next Tuesday).


So next day I sent him an email asking for help. The first reply said that he was sorry if it came as a shock, but he’s been feeling this way for a long time. He wanted to talk, wanted me to know where he’s coming from. He was sorry for taking off but needed to talk to someone so went to his parents. He felt better after getting it all out. He did try to talk to me Saturday night but it didn’t happen. He was staying at his parents till he worked things out. He was coming home that night to talk.

He came home and told me he felt numb. That we had grown apart and would have to change to make this work, and we shouldn’t have to change. I said this isn’t what I want. I am willing to work on it, see a counsellor etc. He said his decision was made. He’d had doubts for a long time – years back when we built our first house (10 years ago), when we had kids (7 years ago). He had been talking to friends at work and realised our marriage wasn’t normal. That maybe in a week, a month, six months he’ll change his mind. That maybe we got together too young (he was 20, I was 23 – we were each other’s first – together for 13 ½ years, married 7 ½ years) Maybe he needs to see if the grass is greener on the other side. That he wanted to remain friends for the sake of the kids. He still wanted to go overseas for the sake of the kids and for me not to do anything stupid. I asked like what. He said taking silly advise from my sister and parents (my sister is a lawyer). I told him that if I listened to them that the locks would have been changed already and the bank cleared out.

He then left me and went back to his parents so I could process it all. I sent him another email the next day replying to his talk from the night before. I told him it was unfair to not work on this. That he can’t just up and leave because it’s boring. He responded to that telling me that he’s let a lot of things chip away at his emotionally for years. That he’s counted the number of times I refused sex, that I went limp in his arms, that I haven’t kissed him back, that even after he changed his sleeping habits to go to bed later, I started coming to bed even later. That by going to counselling we should be asking us to what we aren’t, and he would be left thinking I changed for him and vice versa. He said it’s not fair to live like that with his getting more and more pissed off with life and the kids suffering. He wants to make things work for the kids. That we can’t live together anymore, but we have common ground with our kids. He’s let all this get to the point where he can never see us being together again.

I replied and thanked him for his honesty and realised a lot of it was my fault. That what is in the past is in the past and it can’t be changed. He said it’s both our faults, but we need to talk to the kids together to tell them what is happening. He then came home last weekend, slept in the lounge room, we chatted briefly about still going away together and then next morning he got up and took the kids to his parents for the weekend.

I had a mini breakdown this week and emailed him saying I wasn’t coping, that I didn’t want to beg but I wanted him to come home and talk to me. He said he’d come but deep down his decision was made. That he’s realised we’d both have to change a lot and it’s not fair. That maybe he’ll regret the decision in six months. He doesn’t know. At this stage he has thought about this too long and can’t see it working anymore. It has nothing to do with him wanting his youth back either. I told him not to bother coming to talk then.

Then I gave up on him. Told him that if that’s his decision he needs to get himself organised, come and get his stuff and return his keys. He got taken back a bit by that and wanted to know why I wanted his keys back – he wasn’t going to come and take stuff. I needed to trust him. I told him that he’d just told me the last x amount of years were all a lie – I didn’t know what to believe. He replied saying he was sorry if it came across that way – it wasn’t a lie. He just felt like it got to the point that there was nothing between us and accepted that to some extent and tried to move on.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-05-2011
Thu, 07-07-2011 - 7:40am

I know an emotional affair is as bad or worse then a full affair. He's the one that thinks he's done nothing wrong. He told me he's just made a hard decision about what he wants in life. Screw me and his kids. And it's only due to this emotional affair that he's thinking like that. If he had have been unhappy for years why the hell did we have so much planned together for the future? I don't buy his not happy for a long time. She's made him think he wasn't happy.

I'm trying to move forward, but my door is still open for him if he decides the grass isn't greener. I married for life and I'm willing to work on our flaws and make our relationship better. He's not. But I won't wait forever. I don't know how long - I can't put a time frame on it, but I know that when the time comes I will know when to move on.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2008
Thu, 07-07-2011 - 9:00am

I understand how you feel about keeping the door open and you married for life BUT you may be interested to know that from the years I have gone through this myself and the hundreds of posts that I have read from the wonderful people on this site....

you husband is not likely to come back or change his direction knowing you are there for him, it will feed his ego and he will keep you appeased as a 'plan b' or fall back option, and he could just stall you to keep things friendlier and slow down any divorce keeping his infuluence over you to keep his pocket book full for his fun

he is in a lala land fog and your best bet would be to go see a lawyer - refuse to

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2008
Thu, 07-07-2011 - 11:28am

Ditto to what goddess and the other posters said.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-12-2010
Thu, 07-07-2011 - 8:41pm

I am so sorry you have to be here. One of the saddest things when you find out your H is having an A is that you realize that tyou have to protect yourself against the man you love more than anything. You wonder how in the world can someone you thought you knew everything about can betray you to this degree. You have to protect yourself and your children. Your H is not thinking rationally and unfortunately you two are no longer a team. We think of ourselves as an extension of our H but the sad reality is when they are in an A, they become selfish b*st*rds who only care about themselves. Please make sure that you realize that you are not dealing with your partner anymore, you are dealing with someone who is in an A fog. His brain is mush and he is not thinking about you and your children's best interest. It is time to pull strength from a higer power and fight for what you rightly deserver for your children and you. I wish you peace.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
Fri, 07-08-2011 - 1:35am

I agree with goddess_whoami.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-05-2011
Fri, 07-08-2011 - 2:30am

I'm not begging him to come back anymore. I haven't confronted him on the EA. I think deep down he knows what he has done is wrong - hence the sleeplessness, the sick feeling and panic attacks he had the week before he left. I've read the 180 list and I'm doing that. I've see a lawyer and I know where I stand. I've told him that I'm moving on with or without him. It breaks my heart to let go as I still love him dearly and he has been a wonderful husband, and father till this point. And no I have never ever thought that he would stray. I'm just sick of hurting so much. I want my husband back more then anything. I just don't feel like he's given us a chance. I'm afraid by the time his fog clears it will be too late. Because she is a co-worker she is there everyday! If she wasn't then he might have a bit more of a chance to break away from her.

I'm worried that confronting him will only make things worse - as far as he's concerned he's done nothing wrong as he did nothing physical with her whilst with me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2008
Fri, 07-08-2011 - 11:45am

good for you - do not begg it will only push him away

keep the 180 up - great that you saw a lawyer

you may want to casually alert him to the fact that you know there is someone else so the blame goes where it should be and he has to accept reality instead of putting on the act he is doing

the husband you want back is not this man so you have nothing to miss at this point (easier said than done I know)

how can you possibly know if he has done anything physical while with you? you don't have to confront him just let him know his game is up and done

peace & strength to you

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
Fri, 07-08-2011 - 1:19pm

Good, don't beg him. That will only confirm to him that he can use you as a backup plan and makes you look weak in his eyes. As a matter of fact, him saying that he wasn't sure, that he might change his mind or regret it in a few weeks, or months, was IMO to keep you strung along in case his 'new' life didn't work out. Since you haven't confronted him on the EA, he thinks he's got it in the bag, that you are none the wiser and if he does come back he won't have to deal with your displeasure or face that issue. That kind of thing cannot be swept under the rug and forgotten.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-05-2011
Fri, 07-08-2011 - 7:39pm

I know he's currently not the man I met, fell in love with and married. Gosh even his parents and friends say it's isn't the B they know!

The first week or so I begged him to come home - then I read about the 180 and since then I've been applying those principles. It has helped me get over my grief somewhat too. That's when I went and saw an attorney and basically gave in to him - told him if that's what he wants he has it, but I won't be a pushover to all his demands. Like this week he send me an email re custody of the kids and some furniture he wanted. He wanted the kids 3 weekends a month - I put my foot down and said no - every second weekend will have to do. Same with the furniture - there were items on the list I object to so I told him so.

He even sent me an email yesterday about stuff - but it was more a I'm telling you this email, so I didn't reply

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
Fri, 07-08-2011 - 9:59pm

Like millions before him, he most likely is believing this "thing" he has going will last.