Desparately need help

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2010
Desparately need help
Tue, 04-13-2010 - 5:08pm

My name is Susie, and I never thought that I would be looking for help from other people in this kind of category, but here I am, and I'm desperate.

Five weeks ago my husband admitted to me that he had cheated. He didn't delay in telling me. He told me the same day he woke up with another woman. So that I can get better information, I will disclose the whole story.

Seven weeks ago my husband went to stay with his mother, and I went to my mom's house, due to economic problems. We lost our apartment. We weren't actually separated, just living in different homes. Two weeks after that is when he got quite a bit more than "a little drunk".

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2009
Tue, 04-13-2010 - 8:52pm

forgiving him is a good thing - as not being able to do so could condemn you a separate hell that will over time change you.

HOWEVER, it is imperative that your husband does not view this forgiving as a get out of jail free card. a couple of things jump out at me - of course he confessed right away - how else was he going to explain those hickees? the fact that he disrespected his own mother enough to take her home to moms house and then be caught - he had no choice but to come clean.

i do not BUY into the old "i was drunk" excuse. we are not talking about a teenager here, we are speaking of a grown married man. chances are AND I DO NOT MEAN TO HURT YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT, that your husband would have probably done the same thing even if he was not drunk. she, the other woman, presented herself and he jumped at the opportunity. while the brain is somewhat altered with alcohol, too much drink does NOT make us do anything that we do not want to do.

think about this, what if the shoes was on the other foot - you had gone to a bachlorette party, drank and woke up the next am with the stripper in bed with you - would he have understood the old i got drunk routine. ah, that would be a hell no he would not.

men become quite the actors when faced with the wife standing in front of them and the truth unveiled. all of a sudden they are remorseful, swear it will never happen again, and yes even cry. i know i sound like a cinik but let me explain. when i discovered what my h was up to and had decided i could not live like this he came to me looking so forlorn. he was so sorry, so ashamed, so remorseful and then there were those tears. tears i had never seen in all of our years of marriage. then 2 weeks later i overheard him on the phone with a friend of his, also a cheater, "hey, what can i say i got sloppy and i got caught. it was my own da** fault. i ruined the perfect set up. hell, i had to go into my big bag of tricks, pull out all of the stops to get her not put me out - i even cried, ha ha - that believe me that was a tough thing to pull off, fake tears"!!! talk about feeling like an idiot, i stood there feeling used all over again.

now the above was MY story, but unfortunately more men are like mine than are sincere. i just want you to be aware. there is power in knowledge - and it is IMPERATIVE that you trust your gut - not your heart but your gut.

i so hope that you find the peace you so rightfully deserve.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2010
Wed, 04-14-2010 - 1:03am

I am sorry you have to deal with this.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2010
Wed, 04-14-2010 - 10:12am

Just to give you a male prospective, I have never cheated but my wife did. I think there are a lot of factors going on and this was just the straw that broke the camel's back. It must have been tough to lose your apartment and have to move back in with your parents. But that doesn't give you an excuse to behave in such a manner. Regardless of rather they had intercourse or not, he broke a sacred trust, and you both will have to live with it. I think the act is a symptom of a bigger problem, and you two really need counseling. You need it to learn to heal from his betrayal, and he needs it to find the real reason why he cheated. I do agree with the other posters, in that it may have happened even if he wasn't drunk. Alcohol impairs judgment, but the action was already inside of him, he just need an excuse probably so even he wouldn't feel bad about doing it. Seriously, I don't think you can move forward until this issue is properly addressed. I wish you the best.

P.S. The nightmares will get better with time. I think we all go through that part initially.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-28-2004
Wed, 04-14-2010 - 10:44am

welcome to the board. Im sorry your having to go through this.

Its best just to start talking it out and see what happens from there. Its going to be rough but hang in there. You might try writing in a journal for starters. I does help.