Desperate

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-28-2009
Desperate
22
Fri, 02-20-2009 - 4:46pm

I hope someone out there will help me as I am so lost.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2009
In reply to: fr1end
Fri, 02-20-2009 - 4:56pm
If he is in therapy and sticks w/it I would give him a chance. But you must stand up to him when he says cruel things. When my H was having an affair, he said cruel things and it was b/c of his guilt over the affair. In other words, he was justifying in his own mind( by criticizing my faults) that this was acceptable. Maybe that's why your H was acting the same way. Also, if the abuse got worse it might have been b/c he was vacillating about his feelings for the affair partner. Now, since we have reconciled ,he is kind again and my therapist taught me how to stand up to him and not take his abuse! You don't have to scream and yell, but you can be firm and strong about telling him the kind of behavior you expect from him. Try it next time and see how he reacts. It really works especially if you remain VERY calm and in control. It totally disarms them!
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2008
In reply to: fr1end
Fri, 02-20-2009 - 5:11pm

The fact that your DH is going to a therapist and agrees that he is sick is remarkable and a great first step.




iVillage Member
Registered: 01-28-2009
In reply to: fr1end
Fri, 02-20-2009 - 5:22pm

Thanks, Lizzie.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-28-2009
In reply to: fr1end
Fri, 02-20-2009 - 5:35pm

Hi, thanks for replying.


I hope the therapist can help him because we could have a very nice life if it weren't for this.


He was very cruel and disrespectful early in the marriage, but I refused to stand for it and he stopped saying hurtful things, but seldom said anything complimentary.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
In reply to: fr1end
Fri, 02-20-2009 - 6:04pm
And keep in mind that "People will only treat you the way YOU allow them to treat you." Boy do I wish I would have heard this phrase years ago. I also put up with emotional abuse for years and found out about my H's EAS (which he tried to turn into PAs) and one PA with other women. The last time I was ready to leave. Once he realized I was serious about leaving he changed his tune tremendously.Sometimes you just have to make it clear to them what you will and will not put up with. I snapped one day when I saw that he put his last EA's (which he tried to turn PA) no. back in his phone after he erased it in front of me, under a mans name of course. I woke him up in the middle of the nite and threw his cell phone at him. I was HOT and I think all the years of bottled up anger from his emotional abuse and affairs came out that nite. I was so mad I think steam was coming out of my ears. LOL He had NEVER seen me so hot and crazy. From that nite on he was a changed man. He KNEW I had reached my limit and was ready to WALK. He is now trying to be an ideal husband after 30 years of marriage. He even admits he was a jerk now. I think he was shocked into reality that nite. And it's something I wish I would have done A LONG TIME AGO. Sometimes you just have to reach your limit before you act, and sadly it took me 30 years. I guess I needed to get to the point where my pride in myself was more important than him.


Edited 2/20/2009 7:08 pm ET by peaceyma
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-08-2008
In reply to: fr1end
Fri, 02-20-2009 - 7:51pm

I'm glad for you that your husband is getting individual therapy, is he willing to go with you as well?


Does he seem willing to work on the marriage to rebuild with you? Help you too to

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-08-2008
In reply to: fr1end
Fri, 02-20-2009 - 7:59pm

Just wanted to add that my husband too was attracted two both of the OWs because they had large breasts, and I don't.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2009
In reply to: fr1end
Fri, 02-20-2009 - 9:30pm

I don't quite understand why anyone would go onto a forum board and ask the people there if they should leave thier spouse. This is something only you can decide.


Concerning your first paragraph, this is your perception.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2009
In reply to: fr1end
Fri, 02-20-2009 - 10:18pm
Try to understand that it is his own deficiencies in his personality that make him behave this way to you. That's what I realized and it was easier to not take it so personally. As long as he's committed to therapy and to changing his ways your marriage might stand a chance. It will take some time, but hopefully you will begin to see gradual changes in him for the better. Good luck to you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-28-2009
In reply to: fr1end
Mon, 02-23-2009 - 9:24am

Thanks for responding.

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