Desperate for Advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2007
Desperate for Advice
25
Wed, 06-09-2010 - 7:48pm

Hello All,


I used to visit this board almost three years ago at Dday #3 in August of 2007.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-09-2010
Wed, 06-09-2010 - 11:35pm
I am dealing with the FIRST time and I can't imagine going through this two more times. For me, it is still so fresh I can barely breathe. You must be a very strong person to have dealt with this three times. For me, I am trying to picture what my life will be like with and without my H. I have a newborn baby and a four year old and would love to keep our family in tact but not sure it is possible. I am so hurt. My only advice is for you to think about your life without your H and if it is worth repairing a third time. I am sorry you are going through this and unfortunately feel your pain.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2008
Wed, 06-09-2010 - 11:52pm

HI, I read your other posts and I can relate and hope to offer you support and understanding. I came to the board in 2007 about the same time as you. I was also suffering through a second dday. I went through dday#1 in 2005 and then found out in 2007 that the A restarted shortly after dday#1 and was in full swing.


You asked about how it was to separate. I KNEW that I had to do it because I could not take the pain any longer and knew

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2007
Thu, 06-10-2010 - 12:14am

I am sorry for your pain too.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2007
Thu, 06-10-2010 - 12:29am

Bjean,


Thank you so much for replying.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-09-2010
Thu, 06-10-2010 - 1:09am

Thanks for reaching out...I feel very alone and reading everyone's stores is helping.

Here goes:

My husband and I have been married for ten years. We have a four year old and a newborn. We have been growing apart/disconnecting over the past few years and danced around counseling but never did it ( I wished we had). He began playing world of Warcraft about three years ago and at first he would just play on his own and spend maybe four hours a week. About a year and a half ago he joined a guild (team) where you play in a group. He would play three times per week from 9pm-?. I told him that this upset me that I felt ignored and like I lived alone. We would barely have the kids in bed and he would log on. When you play you wear a headset so you can talk to your team so he wouldn't even hear me when I would talk to him. I began to feel very isolated and alone. I had just had our baby and was feeling extra lonely. I had been asking for months for him to stop playing or reduce the raid time. He was either on a message board, playing or checking his stats. He would just blow me off when I asked him to spend time with me instead of playing. About a month ago he came to bed much later that normal ( 4 am) so I waited for him to fall asleep and logged on. He had forgot to log out of his message board so I started snooping. I immediately found a post called "last night" and my stomach dropped. I found posts back and forth talking about last night all the fun they had playing hide and seek and how they need to start giving each other rewards. I went downstairs and woke him up and drug him upstairs. He told me that she was just a friend, that she lived in another state and that they had begun some flirty conversations but that was it. He let me read all the posts and from what I read it seemed to be true. We decided it was time to start MC. I told him I would only agree to go if he stopped playing and cut off contact with her, he agreed. We were in MC for about two weeks and it was helping. We were having better communication and sharing more affection that we had in years. Our kitchen was going to be remodeled so I had to take both kids to my Moms for two weeks while he stayed behind. When I got home everything seemed OK, but I could tell something was bothering him. I started to snoop on our home computer and quickly realized he was now having a full blown affair. The entire time I was gone they were texting and calling. On some days there would be over 100 texts between them and a late night 2 hour call. They were having phone sex and exchanging personal info and photos of each other. She knows about me our kids and all the details of our marriage and counseling. The worst part was I found out she lives two hours away, not in another state. From the phone records it looks like they stopped talking only in the wee hours before I returned home. I found secret e-mail addresses, photo galleries, etc. The saddest part is since I knew none of this, we had two more MC sessions and the best week ever. My H says that she means nothing to him it was just sex, blah, blah, blah and that he loves me and wants to work on our marriage. He says it stopped before I came home and he is done with it. I don't know if I believe him, after all the "secret" accounts he could easily be doing it and I wouldn't know. I have become that crazy person that spends all of her free time searching the history on the computer, phone records and credit card bills, looking for more details. I feel so hurt and betrayed. I can't eat or sleep and can't get the images or info I came across to stop playing in my head. I don't understand how he could make love to me and look into my eyes and then start back up with her the whole time I was gone. I don't even know for sure that he didn't meet her in person. He says he was just confused and that this is like porn for him. I disagree. We have our regularly scheduled MC on Tuesday but I am not sure I even want to go. He won't leave me alone keeps telling me he loves me and our family and will never stop fighting for us. I already was fighting for us while he had a girl on the side. I just feel sick and betrayed and am trying to act normal for the kids. Not so sure I am doing so well.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2007
Thu, 06-10-2010 - 12:58pm

Urgh! These men are arses!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-09-2010
Thu, 06-10-2010 - 2:15pm

Hi Elizabeth-

Yes I confronted my husband about the OW living two hours away, he swears they never met while I was gone/ever. The phone records seem to confirm that because they were constantly texting-why would you text all day if you were there in person... Also, I called the OW. I needed to know what her intentions were. She confirmed they never met, states she has no feelings for him and that it was just fun and phone sex for her.

I do work outside the home, but I am still on maternity leave for two more weeks. I am actually looking forward to going back, it will be a good distraction, I love what I do. It will also be sad since I will be taking my sweet babe to daycare.

My H is behaving, he is out of town this week on business which has actually been good because I don't want to look at him. He keeps calling me crying saying he is so sorry and that he didn't realize how bad this would effect me. I'm not sure if I want to go to MC on tues because we had been doing it for a month and he was just lying the whole time and now I just feel stupid. On the other hand it was really helping before all this came out. But now, I don't know what I want. Like I said I don't want to be that psycho person endlessly snooping for the what "ifs".

I can't believe that you have been through this three times. You said that you were scared about your life without him. What about the life that "might" be out there? One that does not include all this pain for you. Maybe the person you are truly meant to be with is out there waiting for you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2007
Thu, 06-10-2010 - 5:58pm

I"m glad you like your job because that is a life saver for me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2010
Thu, 06-10-2010 - 6:53pm
please do not use your email address en clare! It is very unsafe, there are ways to email each other thru this site that hide your addresses from others who may not have the best of intentions!
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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-09-2010
Sat, 06-12-2010 - 2:09am

Hi Elizabeth-

So they H came home tonight-trying to talk normal and act like all is OK. Either he didn't notice or doesn't want to bring it up that I have lost about 10 pounds this week and look like a raccoon thanks to no sleep. I was finally able to take time to browse the phone bill and found that the day before I came home they exchanged 300 text messages and talked on the phone for over four hours. I am really sick over this and just don't understand how he could do that. I don't have any family in the area, I really wish I did so I could go somewhere and clear my head for a while. It is really hard being in the same house. I am still on the fence about MC on tues. I have been thinking back on how long he has simply ignored me. I feel like I went through my pregnancy alone-he never came to MD appts and rarely asked how I was doing. Then I had the baby and it didn't get much better. He didn't really want much to do her after she was born. He was constantly on the game and that was all that mattered to him. I have been feeling that the EA was the deal breaker, but now that I have had time to think I think that deserting me during a pregnancy is the deal breaker.

Let me know how your "test" went. I am going to keep this short because I don't want the H to know I am on here, I want it for myself.

Take care,
Angela

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