Desperate for Advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2007
Desperate for Advice
25
Wed, 06-09-2010 - 7:48pm

Hello All,


I used to visit this board almost three years ago at Dday #3 in August of 2007.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2007
Mon, 06-14-2010 - 11:32pm
I pray as well.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-18-2007
Mon, 06-14-2010 - 11:10pm
Thanks for your reply. I agree whole heartedly with what you said because, from personal experience, I have learned that that is the only way to uproot
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2007
Mon, 06-14-2010 - 8:30pm

S n S,


I know you are hurting and only you can know if a separation will be the right move to make or not.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-18-2007
Mon, 06-14-2010 - 8:06pm

Elizabeth,


I really feel for you. I too came back today looking for help. My DDay was in January 2007. My W never has neither been very supportive,

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2001
Mon, 06-14-2010 - 7:29am

My WS should be the poster child for "affair gone wrong". He was so living in the excitement of the A and the fog that goes with it. He and his skank both ended up losing their jobs (we all worked together and since skank reported to H, they violated company policy!). He has been unemployed for 6mths and now knows that any new job will be paying much less and that he just put his career back 7-8 years. He lives in a skanky town, 40 mins away from us and has to drive back and forth for visitation. His relationship with his young kids is not what it should be as the kids are very into me as I am a constant in their lives. He is running out of $$ (but luckily pays child support because I had it set-up through the state) and has no relationship with his own family (his own choice). I keep thinking "WOW, was this all worth it". I was the bread winner in the marriage so I am able to stay on my own two feet and was lucky enough to be able to assume our mortgage on my own income. It is almost like as things get better for me, they look worse for him. I do feel somewhat bad for him but I keep reminding myself that this was all his choice and his doing. Until the day he got fired, he was still all cocky and playing mind games with me. Now that reality hit (and hit hard), I think he now realizes his decisions haven't been the best. There is no way his "love" for skank can conquer all!!!

I truly believe these people cheat for all the reasons already mentioned - entitlement, family history, selfishness, why not! My STBX's dad was a serial cheater but my STBX did not know this. I only know as his older sister told me. It was real nice of STBX to do this to me as 2 of his 3 sister's H's cheated on them (one rebuilt and the other D). So, they got to relive their low points with me. STBX at first kept saying "you seemed unhappy and I was unhappy". Well, how about MC then???? He seems to forget that in the last 5 years I lost a sister at age 36, had 2 kids, moved homes, had his sis and bil live with us(with 3 cats and 1 dog, in addition to my 2 dogs, toddler and being pregnant) and work a stressful job and I wasn't "happy". See, again selfish!! He has been dealing with the death of his mom for the last 12 yrs and my sister dies young and I am supposed to be "ok". It is all about the cheater and their needs. In my heart, I know he wanted to do cheat - bottom line. Their friendship kept crossing the line and I kept saying something about it. Deep down, he didn't care enough about me to stop the friendship and in the end not cheat. Another thing that has made it easy for me is that I already had some degree of disgust for him before DDay. My newborn was sick and in and out of the hospital and he is carrying on an A???? He can burn in he!! for that and the OW definitely can. If that is not reality enough to put your family first, what is? The sad thing is that I spent my entire (extended) maternity leave thinking he was having an A and I was right! See, your gut knows.

The saddest thing for me is the impact on my kids. They will not know what it is like having "mommy and daddy" living in the home. Will their friends think different of them for only living with one parent? Will their friend's parents not want to associate with us because they are afraid that I want their H (hah!)? The kid's got the short straw in all of this. I can only hope that I can instill enough confidence in them to do better in life. I also hope I can break the cheating cycle and that my DS does not do this to a W one day! it is hard for kids no matter what age they are. This is where I am the most mad. In time, I don't think the anger of the impact on my kids will ever fade. How could it?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Mon, 06-14-2010 - 12:58am
You could just tell them that you have really been getting on each others nerves lately and just not getting along well at all, so you just feel you need a break from each other for a while.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2007
Mon, 06-14-2010 - 12:47am

Peace,


iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Mon, 06-14-2010 - 12:28am
There is no one reason men cheat. But I believe arrogance (which I read often times is a mask for low self esteem in men) and a sense of entitlement (they think they deserve to have some fun on the side cause they are bored with the same ol same ol), opportunity (some men just can't say NO to an opportunity for new sex) and also there is a much higher chance of them cheating if their dad was a cheater. The ol "apple doesn't fall far from the tree" is often true with cheating also.
When my H had his first PA 28 years ago, he of course said he didn't think it was that big a deal because his father did it throughout his marriage to his mother. So he was basically raised and actually told by his dad (who was raised in that culture in Puerto Rico many years ago) that "Men are entitled to have a mistress on the side as long as they bring home the rice and beans and make sure their family has a roof over their heads. The wife was suppose to stay home and cook, clean, and raise the kids and not question the MAN of the household and be GRATEFUL that her and the kids have a home to live in and food on the table. In those days STDS were not near as prevalent as they are now, so I wonder if that has changed any, but I doubt it because those were the values that were passed down to many generations of men over there.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2007
Mon, 06-14-2010 - 12:18am

Juice,


iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2001
Sun, 06-13-2010 - 11:29pm

Hi,

I just wanted to chime in and share my story from the view of someone who's CS decided to just leave. We were married for 8 yrs (knew each other for 12) and have 2 kids (one was 2.5 and other 7mths on DDay). One day after work, he came home and just "confessed". Of course, he confessed to a made up story but the conclusion is he still cheated, was really in a relationship (started with a skanky co-worker while I was preggo and continued while my baby was in the hospital with a serious medical issue) and wanted out of the marriage. So, I wasn't given the choice to rebuild and just had to deal with the cards I was dealt. Of course, it was very difficult emotionally because of all the lying he was still doing an just the overall situation with a baby and small child.

It is almost a year since DDay and I can say I am pretty happy 90% of the time. Life is as "normal" as it could be for my kids. I should be officially divorced in 2 months and I am dreading that as I feel the STBX will try to pull cr@p when it comes to the OW. He has not brought the skank around my kids yet but I am sure that day will come sooner than later. Since my kids are so small, they are my main concern.

I wanted to mention that only you can decide how much you can deal with and where your breaking point is. I am actually glad that he made the decision not to work on things for me. I have been one to always say "why would she ever stay with a cheater". Then when I was placed in that position, I quickly whistled a different tune. I do know deep down, the rebuild wouldn't have worked for me. I spent the 2-3 yrs prior to DDay being very neurotic over their "friendship" and how "jealous" I was them "just being friends". ALWAYS trying to get my hands on his BB to try and read his messages. Such a crazy way to live!!! Now, I have none of that and it is so much less stressful. Now the OW can deal with wondering why his visits are so long at my house and wonder what she doesn't know about (love it!).

There are more folks on this board that have rebuilt and have been successful at it. Most of us who were left behind, end up on the Surviving Divorce and Separation board :0

I wish you the best with wherever this journey takes you. It is so hard and it is definitely a marathon and not a sprint. Take it day by day and as each day and then month passes, you will gain strength and feel better about your decisions. You only live once so make the most out of the short time we have here.

Take care-
Juice

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