desperate to find others who understand

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-18-2014
desperate to find others who understand
3
Tue, 03-18-2014 - 5:47pm

I'm 6 weeks later after finding out my partner is a sex addict and has done the absolute most horrific things to me and our family. I feel so alone :( We are trying to work through this together but the pain is immeasurable and I'm wondering if any of you ladies may have gone through similar. Its hard to talk to anyone in my life about this issue and I'm worried I'm isolating myself. Any ideas?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2014
Sun, 04-06-2014 - 5:56pm

Dear Denise, I understand you totally. Sorry to see that one of the replies you got here seemed ignorant as that's so not what you need when you're so traumatized. You probably don't even have the strength to write what happened in details as it is so devastating and far out, too hard to consume... unfortunately I'm married to a sex addict myself and I've been going through hell and suffers from PTSD now. We have kids and it's devastating what has happened, it's like it's stuck on my body, mind and soul. The fact is just there brutally up in one's face. My husband was chocked when it was revealed and at the same time he started coming partly clean about his addiction and wanted to sort it all out. But from that day and until today it took many fights, we signed divorce papers, he wanted to leave every other day and then he loved me, then he hated me. It ended in a suicide attempt and he got hospitalized. That was in January and since then we took one day at a time. He's seeing a psycho therapist specialized in sexual addiction/Carnes system. also couples therapy is necessary as you need to be taken serious and he needs to see the result and the consequences of his actions: your broken soul and your broken family. The whole treatment is about learning to take responsibility. I have researched a lot and can't recommend 12 step programs. He needs individual therapy with a therapist who can see through his denial and lies. It can seem like it's not possible to forgive ever! He can actually have wanting to love you and being unable due to his own anger and whatever may be. Know that sex addicts are very lonely people; that's NOT an excuse, just an explanation. Go read about it and keep in mind that it can never be your fault and do always stand up for yourself and that you are capable of loving so deeply. Even he has a personal disorder you should not feel sorry for him. He is also a grown up that needs to clean up his own mess. Until today my own husband has changed dramatically, he is now taking responsibility and hate the cheap person he was, he can see how low and cheap it all was and wish never to touch those cheap whores (yes, I'm angry) again though it's still  (too) hard for me to cope with the betrayal and the fact that he met with other women, some of them over a long time "just for having sex" (damn!). It's very difficult for me to have sex with him. I lost my faith. I don't know if I can move on with him but I'm trying. I have reached to point where I'm feeling more to be happy mom with the kids than sit and cry in my attempt to cope with this nightmare. No matter what: what a loss...  If your marriage manages to survive this then it can become so much stronger and deeper and more honest than ever, keep that in mind. Some people survive this s**t and become closer, he will then see you like he never did before. IF he is ready to become honest and demystify all the cheating by answering all your questions and so on.. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-18-2008
Fri, 04-04-2014 - 10:09am

Leslie you have to do what you can handle. If you are overwhlemed and unsure right now don't do anything. I remember when I found out about my H affair i was numb - I was just going through the motions of life on auto pilot, my husband ended all contact with her and was truthful about the whole A. I told him I would try to get over it and for the first year after I faked it til i made it - it took almost a year until I could finally begin to comprehend what happened and make a decision - I decided to stay in my marriage and its been 6 years since I found out - My marriage survived the affair and while I am no longer numb I must admit I am always guarded. I chose to give him one more chance - meanwhile I began working on myself - What I mean is you have to love yourself first, dont settle, stay in the marriage because you want to not because you need to - but also know if he ever cheats again thats it, it's over no second chance, love yourself to know you deserve more.  Best of Luck

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Wed, 03-19-2014 - 12:21am

Leslie, If you want advice, sympathy or understanding, you have to explain what has happened.  This is an anonymous board, and there's no reason not to explain what the problem is.  First of all, "Sex Addict" is a very controversial term, mosly used to explain infidelity.  It's a better "excuse" than most.  What in the world could he have done to you AND your entire family?  Has he had inappropriate contact with your children?  If so, then you need to call the police, and also get counselling for your children.  Whatever HE has done, why should you isolate yourself?  Even if the whole world finds out what he's done, that has nothing to do with you.  You call him your "partner" so if you're not married to him the first thing you must do is throw him out of your house, or if you're married, get a lawyer and discuss a divorce.  Now is not the time to hide your head in the sand.  Now is the time to do what needs to be done........and then you and your family can get on with your lives.  Please come back and explain, because there is no way anyone can commiserate with you, or advise you if they don't know what the problem is.