Desperate to see OW

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2009
Desperate to see OW
18
Tue, 04-14-2009 - 1:19pm

I found out a couple of months ago that my husband of 25 years is having an affair.

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2007
Tue, 04-14-2009 - 2:14pm

What most of us wives have found is that there is nothing at all special about the other woman. Most of us expect to see super model gorgeous women. But what you usually find is average to below average in looks. They have low self esteem or they would not need a man that belongs to someone else to make them feel better. Usually these women are trying to escape their relality because fantasyland feels better (include your husband here too). Facing reality takes courage and work.


I knew all of my husbands other women.

Avatar for pater_familia
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2008
Tue, 04-14-2009 - 3:44pm

I'm with FiveDiamondWife. I tracked down the men and they were all very ordinary. I found family photos of one of the men with his wife and kids and I blew my stack. I went off about how once she decided to have an affair that this guy was evidence that just anyone could have her. She tried to justify that he made her feel good on the inside. Now she admits that he's not much more than an embarrassing sleazeball. What she did reflects on her now. And now that she is out of the fog. She's embarrassed and ashamed.

If the location is a problem. Take your spouse and go there. Take the pain, own it, and as calmly as you can express your feelings to your spouse. Find something that you enjoy doing there and make the place your own. Otherwise, you need to let that woman go. Focus on your spouse and the reasons he chose to go outside your marriage. That's going to be a better plan than focusing on the OW.

I know, I am learning this the hard way. I chose not to take others advice and confronted all the men personally. Some of that went ok. Some of it is still going badly.

Thomas

5 kids ages 15-9, D Day: August 5, 2008

Status: Sorting Things Out.

Thomas

We have five kids. Our D-Day was in August, 2008.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2009
Tue, 04-14-2009 - 5:08pm

You could hire a PI for a huge bundle of money.

.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2007
Tue, 04-14-2009 - 5:28pm

what georgia posted was/is so true and most comments are exactly like my H's OW.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2009
Tue, 04-14-2009 - 5:35pm

I know the feeling. Before I saw my H with the OW I was so curious. (What does she look like? How old is she? What does she dress like? Is she in shape? Does she fit his usual "type"?) I wanted to know all of that.


I just posted something yesterday. I got a chance to see OW and it was a real shocker. She is nothing like I would have expected. I was expecting some blonde bombshell. (Actually I guess I was expecting brunette- my H likes them better.) But you get what I mean.


She was not pretty and it just raised more questions.


To be honest, either way I would have been just as hurt. It wouldn't have been easier if she was pretty. Then I'd just think badly of myself. And now that I see she's ugly, I just wonder why he would risk our relationship for a dog.


The urge to see her is unbearable. I know. I've been there. If you can help it, don't waste any more time on her. I don't think you'll feel better either way.


But if you have to see her, you could try all the internet networking sites. (Myspace, Facebook, etc.) Another thing you could do is call her work and see if she's there. (Block your number with *67.) If someone else answers you can say you have the wrong number. Or you can just ask how long "Whatever her name" will be there. (My H's OW was in sales. So it was easy to pretend to be a prospective client when I called to hear her voice- I know, sad.) Then you'll know how long she'll be there and you'll have a better chance of seeing her at work. (Or alternatively, at home. Since you'll know when she'll be getting off work.)

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2009
Tue, 04-14-2009 - 9:15pm
I agree absolutely with tsah5.
.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2009
Tue, 04-14-2009 - 11:38pm
I understand the need to go see her.
Avatar for pater_familia
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2008
Wed, 04-15-2009 - 1:51am

"To be honest, either way I would have been just as hurt."

Ok, So which is worse. The OM/OW being hot or being dumpy?

When I saw what the first dude looked like, I emailed his photo to her and asked her if just anyone could have her? DW admitted also that the main OM (her HS boyfriend) didn't take care of himself and was really flabby. The 20 years were not kind to him. She was really disappointed at this.

Now, what if she had found Brad Pitt's clone? My self esteem was shredded as it was. What would that have done to me???

Thomas

5 kids ages 15-9, D Day: August 5, 2008

Status: Sorting Things Out.

Thomas

We have five kids. Our D-Day was in August, 2008.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2009
Wed, 04-15-2009 - 8:41am
I had to see the OW also and I was not impressed by her at all.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2009
Wed, 04-15-2009 - 9:57am

It really was a shot to my self esteem, even though she was not at all attractive.


There were no "obvious" reasons for him to be attracted to her. She wasn't pretty. Not his type. She is older. She is not professionally successful. I gather from her text messages (that I would read on his phone while he was showering) that she is not witty or intelligent. (Both of which are HUGE turn ons for my H.) And I gather from her blatant disrespect for other people (me) and

Pages