Difficult Detaching

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2011
Difficult Detaching
5
Tue, 02-15-2011 - 1:19am

My ex H had 2 affairs (that I know of).

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Tue, 02-15-2011 - 2:52am
Of course it is going to be hard to detach from someone you were with for 19 years. Think about it like this, 3 months apart is not enough to really detach from a 19 year relationship. Being alone and loneliness after being with someone for so long is also playing a big role in how you are now feeling. Time and distance will eventually help a lot, as will finding another man to fill that lonely void.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2008
Tue, 02-15-2011 - 7:40am

It's very understandable that you are still having difficulties letting go--you were together for a long time.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
Tue, 02-15-2011 - 11:56pm

I'm still having to respond to others' posts since I cannot see the "reply" button on the original, sheesh.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Thu, 02-17-2011 - 10:29am

You don't just stop being someone's W just like that. Even after I left my xH, I had to fight wanting to take care of him. It was so easy falling back into that care giver mode. One of my friends told me I needed to stop acting like his W or it would never be over. It was hard to derail those habitual responses and to change my role in his life. At the time I went between hating him and feeling nothing for him, but I still had the compulsion to take care of him. Talk about mixed messages. In a way, I was being cruel to him because he would never move on as long as he thought there was a chance.

So, I stopped talking to him except for things we had to talk about. It he tried to talk about anything beside money, the divorce, or the kids, I told him I was not going to talk about that, and changed the subject. If he didn't get the hint, I ended the conversation.

It is that simple, but it is deceptively hard. You are used to being his soft place to land, it is part of who you are, it is what you do. He lost the right for you to care for him in this way when he left you. He is no longer your H and you are no longer his W, so stop acting like it.

Another hard lesson is that when you have been with someone so long, you can't be friends when you break up, at least not right away. You need a break from him so you can learn who you are without him, so you can figure out what it is not to be his W. Once you do that, maybe then you can be friends. This is why after an A, the APs cannot go back to being just friends. It is too easy to step back into those old roles.

You simply have to stop talking to him. Do not reply to anything verbally or through email or text that is personal. Only respond to what is absolutely necessary if there is anything necessary left to talk about. If you need to, have a friend or family member read his email or other forms of communication just to see if there is anything you have to respond to and then delete, delete, delete. Once all of the business you need to complete with him is done, block his email and his phone. In the mean time, unfriend him and set everything to private. He doesn't need to know what is going on in your life anymore.

He has made a choice here. You do him no favors by protecting him from the natural consequences of no longer having you as his soft place to land. Lets face it, he only wants a warm bed until the next lover comes along. He hasn't changed and he won't change unless he has a reason to.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2011
Fri, 02-25-2011 - 12:46am

Your words and advice make so much sense to me.