Disabled

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-09-2010
Disabled
6
Sun, 05-09-2010 - 11:19pm

I am so very hurt. I have been married for 25+ years, and the last three year I have been disabled, I can no longer work. And life basically sucks . My husband and I are in our mid 50's. Within the past year I have become totally Sexually disabled along with the other disabilities.


iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2008
In reply to: hurtingbad2010
Wed, 05-12-2010 - 11:35pm

HI, you had asked what IC is: Individual Counseling, and if you see a post

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-11-2010
In reply to: hurtingbad2010
Tue, 05-11-2010 - 4:18pm

I can relate. I have Lupus, fibro and CFS and am disabled from it as well. I found out a week ago that my husband had a 2 week afair. He only slept with her the one time but they had a couple of kisses prior. She most definitely was the pursuer and knew exactly what she was doing. He is a recovering alcoholic and smack in the middle of a middle-age crisis (turning 50 this year) When he told her the next time he would talk to her after she did blackmail him. When he refused to give in, she sent txt msgs to him and I both that night. He tried denying it but he realised it was a waste of time and confessed to everything. He showed me his phone that had all of the details in the text msgs between them that day. She told him that after she told me, he would see where he came running! He final text message to me was to tell me to tell him when he is finished with the marriage thing she'd be waiting and he knew that and she would be second to no one and he knew that too. She also told me that he should have known what would happen if he was alone with a woman that hadnt been with a man in a while...Like that excused her part completely. Yes, she is correct, he should have known and he was sooooo wrong. But she knew EXACTLY what she was doing and it was manipulative and deliberate! He was repairing the plumbing in the bathroom. She was storing some things of ours in her garage and he was doing that for storage payment. She is also the mother or our 17 yo son's gf. She actually told our son!!!! So he has been hurt by this as well. Not to mention that he and his gf are now fighting because he hates her mother so badly for trying to break up his family. She told him she was going to tell me and when he told her that they were both wrong and selfish and not to hurt me she told him it was "grown up stuff" and he wouldnt understand. I told him later when we talked that there was NOTHING "grown up" about how they acted. NOTHING. That it was the most selfish and childish thing two people could do! He is so angry with his father. Our other kids dont know. The only one that still lives at home is the 17 yo and our 10 yo. Our 3 daughters are grown.

He said he knew it was wrong and actually had rebuffed her advances in the past. But he was drinking again and flattered by her pursuit. I had been feeling so badly and he just felt lost there for a while. He told me everything and I have enough proof to know he is being honest. But I am so hurt and angry. I feel so betrayed. I know he loves me..but then I think, I thought he did before too.

My husband is a very nice looking man. I have always been aware of women coming on to him. It has never been anyone we knew..Usually some stupid woman at a party we attended or something like that. I have never been a jealous woman. Hanging on to your self esteem is hard enough. I am not the woman I was 5 years ago, before I got sick. I have just recently got off all of the weight from the bloating from the steriods. My hair is not the same since I finally got it back after undergoing chemotherapy for six months to stop kidney failure. I had a seizure last april and when I went down I shattered my hip and dislocated my shoulder. It hasnt been a good year!! lol. But I would take any of that again and again over the heart ache I feel now.

I sincerely hope that your husband realizes what he is risking and the severe damage and hurt it will cause. My husband feels so bad and guilty about what he allowed to happen. He knows that he ultimately was the one that was responsible. He also knows he cant take it back no matter how badly he wishes he could. He is worried about the damage this stress will do. Like MS, Lupus reacts strongly to stress. Any autoimmune disease does. I am trying to find ways to talk about it without letting my family and friends know what he did. I dont think they would forgive him. I love him dearly and I am having a hard time with that myself. It has only been a week. I just keep praying it will get better. I will pray for you as well. We need all the help we can get!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2010
In reply to: hurtingbad2010
Tue, 05-11-2010 - 4:43am

Hi


Saw your message and want to say I am with you on this one.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-09-2010
In reply to: hurtingbad2010
Mon, 05-10-2010 - 3:33pm

Thank you for your reply


I agree with you that my husband may hay already made up his mind and was looking for a guiltless way of cheating. I do not have much energy to fight. So I told him that if he wants sex that bad, I would

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-28-2004
In reply to: hurtingbad2010
Mon, 05-10-2010 - 10:03am

Hugs i know the effects of your illness. Its not easy.

Have you talked things over with your H? Does he know how you feel about what he is asking? Is there some sort of compromise or other "way" to go instead of him finding someone else? Does he go to IC as well?

Hang in there and let us know how its going.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2008
In reply to: hurtingbad2010
Mon, 05-10-2010 - 1:50am

I am so sorry that you find yourself here with us at this already tough time in your life. As a nurse, I know about the devastating