Distraught

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2009
Distraught
8
Mon, 02-23-2009 - 9:44am

Last night I discovered that my husband has been having a "texting" affair since August. This morning he admitted to the timeline along with the fact that he emails & speaks to her on the phone daily. He says there has been no physical contact (she lives far away). He met her at a party we both attended last year. They had been together 6 years prior & so he decided to get her number & start speaking to her again. Since we were married in 2006 he has had questionable friendships with 2 other women & twice he has had problems with drugs. I have forgiven him & moved on

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-16-2006
In reply to: misfitjacq
Mon, 02-23-2009 - 10:19am
If he is committed, he should be willing to go to counseling.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2009
In reply to: misfitjacq
Mon, 02-23-2009 - 10:29am
Thank you for not telling me I am stupid
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2007
In reply to: misfitjacq
Mon, 02-23-2009 - 10:54am

Hi, and welcome. I'm so sorry for what you're going through.

It's definitely an individual choice whether to rebuild or to divorce. We each can only make that choice for ourselves. At one point it was looking like my H and I were definitely going to divorce, and now we've been rebuilding for over 2 years (and things are good). What it "took" was for my H to make a true to commitment to the marriage, and to doing what he "should". And on my side of it, it required me to make my expectations of him completely firm and clear, and to not accept anything less than that. Where I had to watch his ACTIONS, and look to see if everything he was saying and doing was in line with someone that truly was committed to his marriage. And if there had been any deviation from that whatsoever, I had to be prepared to walk away. I had to have zero tolerance for anything from him that might indicate the marriage was not his top priority. I think it definitely takes two to make it work. Both need to put in a big effort.

My suggestion would be, if you do decide to try to rebuild, make a list of things that you would like or you feel you would need from him in order for YOU to remain in the marriage. Then see if he seems completely 100% willing and capable of giving them to you. Some of the things that many of us have had on the list of our expectations are: they are to have NO CONTACT with the affair partner whatsoever from now on. Counseling, sometimes both marriage counseling and individual. The wayward spouse needs to figure out the true reasons why they did what they did. What was going on inside them, and then address whatever those things were. For example, your H says he's always looking for a thrill. That's a good starting point. He will need to either learn how to not NEED thrills so much, or to find a way he can get thrills WITHIN his marriage, or from things that won't be destructive to the marriage. Many of us expect our spouses to now live their lives as an open book with us, and be accountable to us. So you might want to have some things set in place where you can verify that he is now doing what he "should", and have him be agreeable to that. Things like, having complete access to his phone, emails, etc. If he balks at allowing you to see those things, that can be a red flag that he may not be committed to stopping this behavior. Those who have nothing to hide, hide NOTHING.

I also advise any rebuilding betrayed spouse to have an "Exit Plan" or "Plan B" in place for yourself. This is for your and your children's protection, so that if something more ever happens down the road or you change your mind about rebuilding, you can more quickly and easily make decisions for yourself. It's a way to know that YOU will be OK no matter what THEY might do or what might transpire. This has been very helpful to me in rebuilding. It's helped me to feel much more strong and confident, where if my H were to ever do something he shouldn't, I wouldn't hesitate to say that I refuse to tolerate that sort of behavior and I would walk out the door. And my H knows that I mean it too... and I think that's very important. They need to know that you are dead serious about not ever tolerating this sort of thing ever again, and that if they ever were to do it again, there would be CONSEQUENCES, and you WOULD follow through with them.

The "Exit Plan" is mainly where you have a plan for yourself if you were to divorce and be on your own. Knowing what you would do in that event, where you could quickly implement those things if you ever needed to. It's usually a good idea to consult an attorney just to know where you would stand in the event of a divorce. That way you can "get your ducks in a row" so you wouldn't have to worry so much about things like finances, or where you would live, etc, in the event of a separation or divorce. It doesn't mean you're definitely going to divorce if you see an attorney or have an Exit Plan. It's just so you would have the information you would need in order to protect yourself no matter what.

<>

I was also concerned about whether I was making a mistake in rebuilding with my H, and concerned about being played for a fool. In a way, sometimes we have to "forgive" ourselves too. For going against what we might have believed before (like, if we'd always said that if they cheated, we would leave). The way I got past that part of it was, to realize that I had never "tolerated" that behavior in the first place, and I wasn't tolerating it now. That as long as he was treating me the way he was supposed to be, NOW in this point in time, there was nothing "wrong" with me being with him. And I would not accept that sort of thing from in the future either. He got one chance, and that is IT. And another thing that helped was, to realize that we often don't know how we would react to something until we are actually faced with it.

Whatever you decide to do, I would just suggest making sure that you are putting yourself FIRST now. Make your decisions and do things that will help YOU and your children, and don't worry about him being a consideration in that. You can't go wrong if you're looking out for yourself. That will serve you well whether you rebuild or divorce.

((HUGS)), and I hope you will keep posting.

Val

Val                                   &n

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2009
In reply to: misfitjacq
Mon, 02-23-2009 - 11:26am

Your response & advice has

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2009
In reply to: misfitjacq
Mon, 02-23-2009 - 4:20pm
I totally agree w/Val. My H was acting out b/c of unresolved issues from his childhood and I was not aware of his unhappiness and the fact that he was feeling distant from me. Since your H is willing to go to counseling(definitely individual for him) this is a good sign. You will see small changes in him little by little and that is how you will know you're moving in the right direction. Small ,daily,positive interactions are how you build back the marriage.It has been 2yrs. for us and I still see positive changes in my H's behavior and in his interactions w/me. i have told my H that I love and accept him w/all his flaws, but now he has to make positive changes. After 2 yrs. he finally thanked me for being so loving and patient w/him during that time.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2009
In reply to: misfitjacq
Mon, 02-23-2009 - 4:32pm

I'm sorry that you're going through this.

 


iVillage Member
Registered: 02-17-2009
In reply to: misfitjacq
Tue, 02-24-2009 - 9:36am

1st let me say i am sorry for what you are going through, i can relate


i found out my wife was also having an emotional affair with her ex via texting, cell phone calls, e cards and all that jazz--it's really almost a slap in the face at 1st


i wish i had some better advice for you but i'm still trying to figure out my own mess right now, what i am thinking is though is that i took those vows in front of our friends and family and i intend to stand by them, it's not going to be easy i know that, but just make sure you are going to be happy 1st and formost


good luck

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2009
In reply to: misfitjacq
Tue, 02-24-2009 - 9:54am

Thank you & I'm sorry you are going through this also. You are right, it is such a slap in the face. I think of all the times we were sitting together & he would receive text messages. So he was talking to her while he was with me. She has the same name as me which is another slap although he apparently called her by her formal name & I go by the nickname. When he told me that piece of info this morning I simply told him to go away from me.


Time will tell where this goes. Good luck to you & I hope everything works out the best way it can for you.