Do I keep trying or not?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2006
Do I keep trying or not?
Tue, 12-13-2011 - 9:35pm

I have been married to my husband for almost 12 years.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2011
Wed, 12-14-2011 - 12:03am
Dog- so so very sorry. There is nothing easy about betrayel no matter how it takes place. It has a way of tearing the world as you know it apart and you stand there unmoving not sure how to repair it or if it is repairable. Life goes on- holidays and birthdays and they don't seem to hold the specialness that they did before.

I can tell that you are in a confused reflective mode by your post. My our anger didn't come thru although it rears its angry head. The despair e bewilderment of it all, is it even real?

For me, I did or didn't do certain things depending on how I felt. When I felt despair it took everything I had to get thru my work day and try to stay engaged with the children and to protect them from the devastation in the household. When I was confused I asked him questions over and over trying to piece the story together. When I was angry I planned and put my plan into motion. Because like you I was too scared to do it at any other time.

There are a few musts that don't cost a whole lot and can give you some answers should you decide to separate or divorce. See an attorney for a consult. You will get info about wha your financial situation would look like, how custody gets worked out, etc. get tested for STD's. Get access to your own money. I made a list of non-negotiables in order for the marriage to go forward. Number one on that list was NO CONTACT. My husband epwrote a letter to her which I witnessed and approved and I mailed it certified to her place of business with a signature confirmation. No contact does not mean you leave the house to call her . At a minimum he should of called her in your your presence or even with you listening. That is open and honest.

Sadly, you cannot believe him or trust anything he says. He is addicted to this woman and he is willing to risk his whole family for his fix. Like any addict, he cannot go forward until that monkey is off his back. Right now he is still trying to figure out how he can keep eating cake and have monkey.

The only person you can rely on is you. You control how you act, think and talk. You decide how you wAnt your marriage to be, not the other way around. He has cheated on you and broke his vows to you. He should be on his knees begging you for forgiveness. He should be thanking you that he doesn't have to sleep in the backyard with a paper towel as his night night.

A man in an affair IMO is not a man engaged with his kids or "family." a man in an affair is engaged in his affair. He is behaving extremely selfish. That fantasy relationship consumes him. Does he love the kids? Yes, but every second spent on her or with her is taking away from his own children who are connected to him for life. She is temporary.

Again in my opinion, your husband needs a reality check. He needs to know exactly what his choices are. If he is confused then I think he should go. Let him go. You deserve more out of your life and more out of a relationship.

I also want to tell you that you are entitled to whatever emotion you are feeling. He doesn't like your anger or paranoia? Too damn bad. He has chosen to do something you had no part in and no choice about. It comes with the territory. He has lost your trust and should be doing anything and everything to earn it back. He cannot do that right now because he doesn't even know what the hell he has done.

You are a mother of three. That tells me you possess the strength to get thru this. You may not think it or believe it, but it's true. You have to take control of you and your marriage. Your old marriage is dead. It died. But your future does await and you control a lot of that. Don't let your husbands weakness and cruel betrayel define you and what is to come. Those are his bad choices, he has to own them, don't you do it for him. You do enough for everyone else.

There really is no right or wrong in the aftermath of an affair. There is no timeframe that can be followed, no exact plan. It's about you then your children. He doesn't deserve them as long as the fling is still in effect.

I am approaching the 7 month mark. To this day I have no idea where this road will take me. I benched my decision for a year. In this year my husband has done everything I asked. I don't know if he is worthy to stay in the marriage. I still do not trust him and do not believe I ever will trust him to the degree I did before. We sleep in separate rooms. But things are better. We are both engaged in the family and are acting like a family. Our kids are our greatest treasure. I want my children to grow up in a nuclear family, I never expected a perfect married life. I would gladly give my life for my children, but I will not stay married to a man who continues to lie, be selfish, and treat me dis respectively. That is the last thing I want my boys to witness in their mother.

I hope for you that you find your inner strength. I hope that you have the happy ending that you long for. You are perfect and worthy of love and respect and I hope that your husband sees the light before its too late if that is what you wish.

Take care friend.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Wed, 12-14-2011 - 3:15am
Sorry for what your going through. I know it hurts like hell. But the truth of the matter is unless he stops ALL contact with the OW there is no way your marriage stands a chance. He's living in Fantasy Land right now. I think you need to let him have her. Believe me SHE will not seem so special when viewed up close and personal on a 24/7 basis. My guess is he'll miss his family and come back of his own free will. He just needs to figure out that she is NOT all that to realize what he gave up for her .If you can support yourself and the kids kick his arse out.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-13-2011
Wed, 12-14-2011 - 9:02pm
I am sorry for your situation!! My husband worked with the OW too. He is a doctor and she was his scribe at the hospital. I went to the boss!!! I didn't care if he got fired, if she got fired!! I've been happier with far less! My husband had his schedule changed so that they no longer worked together. He then quit his job 2 months later! There is no way I could handle him still working there, I'd rather be poor!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2008
Thu, 12-15-2011 - 9:48am