Do I tell the OG's wife....or not?
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|Tue, 02-03-2009 - 10:36am|
I posted this on the "ask Dr. Shoshanna" board, but was redirected here with the idea that others here have "been there, done that". A quick background, my wife is/was having at least an EA, and every time she has told him that they need to cool it, it goes okay for a while, then he puts the full court press on her again and it just never fully goes away. The other guy is married with triplets under the age of two (and a 16 year old from a previous marriage) and to this point, he has been skating through this whole ordeal feeling no negative effects of what he has helped fuel. He tells my wife that he and his wife were going to separate when my wife suggested the same, but when our relationship became less volatile, magically, that was no longer the case with him (I think it is a bunch of b.s. that he is telling my wife anyway). I've received some great feedback here so far, so I thought I would continue with a topic that developed with the final few posts on the other board.
Here is (most of) my previous post regarding whether or not it is a good idea to let his wife "find out" what is going on with her husband:
I've often wondered if letting his wife "find out" would create enough of a distraction at home to make him forget about my wife or if it would backfire on me and be the catalyst for them going their separate ways (especially if they were going to separate anyway, as he claims. BTW, he has told my wife that he thinks his wife is having an affair) and, in turn, create a situation where he has nothing to lose at all by pursuing my wife even more aggressively. The other risk I run is, because I don't know his wife or how she is, does she rat me out or disclose too much that would point the finger at me and then I end up being the bad guy all over again and push her even farther away? BUT, I also wonder if one of the reasons that he continues to pursue my wife is that he has been able to do this for the better part of 8 months (that I know of) without feeling any negative consequences for his actions....so why would he stop? If this suddenly hits home for him, perhaps he reconsiders his actions....especially if his every move is suddenly being scrutinized. Or do I just steer her towards counseling and hope for the best. She is a good person who has always held herself to high moral standards (just one reason this whole thing shocks me so much)....I think she has just made some bad decisions and it snowballed....so if it were to be creating friction for him, it may make her reconsider her actions on another level. I don't know....it's a confusing angle for me.
Any thoughts on this? Do I even worry about her (or him for that matter) and just do what I need to do or do I expose him too?