Does it really matter???

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-27-2007
Does it really matter???
9
Sat, 05-22-2010 - 3:32pm

We had MC this week and she said he needed to deal with some issues before we could come back together.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
Sat, 05-22-2010 - 4:03pm

He does need to be totally transparent, and yes, you should think thru what you truly want to find out.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 05-25-2010 - 9:01am

For me, I needed to know enough to get a good idea about what happened for a couple of reasons.

I felt like I was on the outside and they were on the inside. As long as there were secrets they had this special club between the two of them, the EA club. They had special moments and deep conversations. As long as they kept that between the two of them, they would remain special, but once they hit the light of day, they were cheap and tawdry.

Him telling me everything I thought I needed to know was part of him being an open book. If he couldn't do at least this, then we had nothing to talk about.

He knew what happened, he knew the truth of it, and even though I didn't know, he expected me to take his word for certain things and trust his judgment because he knew, he was there and he knew how he felt and what he did. Well, he showed me that I could not trust him at all, so there was no way I was going to trust his assessment of what he knew and base major decisions on his "good" judgment. I felt like there was a huge part of my life that I was missing and that was a total lie. I needed to get the full picture in order to make good decisions regarding my own life. One of the things that upset me the most about him keeping his EA from me was that he was keeping relevant information from me that would affect every one of my decisions if I had known. Of course, this was why he kept it from me, he knew he couldn't keep the EA if I knew. He manipulated me by withholding the truth of my life and I still resent that. My need to know stemmed from that and it was only when I felt I had enough information to ascertain the truth for myself did my need to know abate.

DH and I recently had a conversation about how much info we share with each other on a daily basis. He doesn't have a need to tell me every tidbit on info he gets or about every experience he has, but he makes sure to share with me significant happenings that change who he is or how he sees the world. Right there, in a nutshell is exactly why we all need to know. An A is incredibly significant. The WS has a significant relationship with someone else that changes who they are. We, as their partners, need to know about this, we need to know so that we can make sound decisions based on as much information as we can get. The withholding of the information is a continuation of the manipulation we experienced during the A.

The other part of this is that the information will come out eventually and it is a particularly nasty form of torture. The WS thinks he is protecting the BS from hurt when really he is protecting himself from having to own up to the horrible things he did. Who WANTS to recount out loud to his W his adventures in affair land and face the hurt? WS are cowards of the worst kind and it is not surprising they don't have the equipment to actually do this incredibly hard thing. DH finally got why I needed to know everything when I explained it to him this way: Finding out is like being stabbed multiple times in one's torso. You almost bleed out, you deal with the pain, you get medical attention, you go through physical therapy, you scab up, your body replaces the blood, and you think it is over, you think you are through the worst of it. But, no, out of no where you get stabbed again, only this time it is more painful and harder to heal because of your previous injuries. Eventually, if this keeps happening, you become numb, you loose feeling, and you remove yourself from the situation out of self preservation. He understood this and finally told me everything.

Essentially, you want the bandaid to be pulled off all at once, you want to deal with it all right now, get through it and resume your regularly scheduled life. He is hedging his bets. What he doesn't tell you now, he may never have to tell you and he would rather not tell you anything, so he keeps as much as he can close to his chest hoping he will never have to look in your eyes, and watch you cry as he has to face what kind of a man he let himself become. The thing is, you will probably find out and he will have to face. These things are insidious. Either he will make a mistake and tell you thinking he has already told you, or you will put it together yourself, or someone else will tell you. It may be next week or years from now. It is selfish of him to hold this information back, but what do you expect from someone who is selfish enough to have an A?

Your questions are more than reasonable. Essentially, you need to know the depth of his involvement, you need to know who the relationship started and who did the pursuing, you need to know how it was conducted, and you need to know how he is going to keep it from happening again. If he is serious about rebuilding, he will respect this need to know, he will do what you need him to help you heal, and answering these questions is doing just that. A bit of a warning,though, you will probably need to hear the answers more than once, and the answers will change as he processes the whole thing.

It helped when I stopped ambushing DH with my questions. We set aside an hour once a week to talk about it. It really helped with my anger knowing he was going to answer my questions and I was able to stop obsessing over it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-27-2007
Tue, 05-25-2010 - 7:30pm

Thank you so much for the reply.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-04-2009
Wed, 05-26-2010 - 4:25pm

Hi - I'm a lurker; I hope you don't mind my replying.

Jessica


Mommy to Catherine (6/8/07) and Isabel (9/4/08)




iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2010
Mon, 05-31-2010 - 8:15pm

H2K_mommy

I have been asking my husband why for weeks and he kept saying he didn't know. Right before I left for my week trip to Miami I was upset and fearful about going. We talked and he answered. You know he had his affair because she was pretty, witty and he worked with her everyday. Her husband was a bast*rd and she needed comfort. The clincher was she did not have CHILDREN. He did not have to be bothered with being a father when he communicated with, and fantasized about her. If was just what I thought. A FANTASY LAND, escape from real life with her. He said I wasn't at fault and he did know I was everything he needed, but chose only to see the negative side of marriage and family life. When I first found out and he told me it was never physical, I attacked him verbally. Telling him he was a little man. A boy who never grew up and an ungrateful SOB who didn't deserve to be married to me. I was so angry. I sat on the knowledge of his EA for over a week. When I ambushed him and nearly went berserk or went berserk. When he looked at me and said he f*cked up that he wanted me, the kids and our life, the anger just bleed right out of me. He said he would have to show me in action that he wanted me because I said I couldn't trust him ever again, however, it took 3 weeks and a text to the OW to stop their communicating, I guess I can thank her for that (I still check cell phone records). She said she couldn't do it anymore (I hope that lasts) I now do not want to know anything more. I am enough for him. I believe that now. If he somewhere down the road doesn't feel it or see it oh well, I'll cross that bridge when it comes. When I stay in the now and focus on how things are today I feel better. I am thankful I have many years of 12 step recovery for AA and Alanon which come with get tools on how to live life to the fullest when there is addiction in your life. EAs are a type of addiction. They help numb the pain and stress of daily life and low self-esteem. I am introducing romance in my dealing with my husband. He teased me this morning when I texted him a sweet loving text. I told him he was the man I wanted in my life and I was a romantic and I wasn't going to not practice it in our marriage because he wasn't. I told him it may rub off on him and if it didn't I wasn't going to stop. Now I am going to be me in this marriage for better or worse. I am going to do things that I am going to enjoy doing because it is what I want. No more hiding it because I am afraid it won't be returned. Life is too short and my life before I found out was only slightly crappy and now I know why. Hopefully "IT" is gone and we are going to move forward, which sounds like what you two are doing. He is there in the marriage and going to counseling. My only fear is when we stop working on it so hard as time goes by we may slip back into this sh*t again. I know 13 years ago it was internet sex chat rooms that threw us into counseling. We are going to have to stay vigilant and not let our guard down ever again. "Oh, glory days."
Take care

CrazyHeart422

"Do unto others as you would have done to you"



~JC~

Hurts have taught me never to give up loving Be willing to take another risk and chance, otherwise tomorrow may be empty.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2007
Sat, 06-05-2010 - 2:31am
I think they matter if the responses can actually help you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2010
Tue, 06-08-2010 - 9:13pm

Funny I keep asking the questions and the answers didnt help me either and yet they are still in mind making me insane
I think its inherit to let something go you must first understand it
I think we are in a unique situation
I dont think we are capable of understanding what makes other people tick.
So I think we just pray it fades because the answers arent coming

S

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2007
Tue, 06-08-2010 - 10:21pm
Can you share your story with me?
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-09-2010
Wed, 06-09-2010 - 7:47pm

New to this board...read your post, sounds familiar.

I have been trying to dig answers out of my husband for weeks. Only when I find proof in black and white ( cell bills, secret email accts) does he come clean. He says he doesn't want to hurt me that it is over and that he wants to stay married. Why can't they understand that we need to know the whole truth and all the details before WE can decide what we want to do. I wish you the best and hope you find the answers you are looking for.