Does my husband have feelings for someon

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2010
Does my husband have feelings for someon
Wed, 04-14-2010 - 4:49pm

My husband is now back in touch with the a woman he used to work with, this has been going on since Christmas 2008 and I recently found all the emails. I don't know if always going back to her means that he has feelings for her. He stopped replying to her emails two months ago (I assume he felt guilty) and now he contacted her again.

Here's what he's done:

Exchanges over 500 emails with another married woman, all about sex
Keeps talking about what a great dad he is
Keeps telling her what a beautiful child she has, praising her
What a perfect wife she is, who sets the standards for every other woman he knows
What a lucky man her husband is
Goes out of his way to email her and see how she is, feeling insecure about her response
Months later, when she doesn't reply warmly, emails again baiting her with topics that would get her to write back (like how fast her child was growing)
Tells her to keep in touch, because she doesn't work there anymore
Tells her he REALLY hoped she was doing well too, when all she said was she hoped he was
Asks her to call him because he'd love to chat and was really looking forward to talking with her
When she didn't and asked him to call and speak to her husband, he did (to save her)
She finally goes to the office, he keeps talking about his kids again, how much he loves them and spoils them, showing off his fatherly skills
He asks her to come into his office and close the door
He touches her
She says no and promises to come back
He accepts and is disappointed, but tries his best to ensure she comes back
They talk about their families
He asks her to call him during the week so they can talk and they email when he's at work

He emailed her asking to get together because he "really needs to see her" and tells her how beautiful she is, how her make-up is always perfect... And "You're so cute..." when she makes a joke...

Does all of this mean that he has feelings for her? Or can it be just sex? YES I plan to leave him, I just really want to know if he has feelings for her.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2010
Wed, 04-14-2010 - 5:48pm
Sure sounds like it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Wed, 04-14-2010 - 6:15pm


Well does it really matter which head he has feelings for her with? The way I see it he is doing all this behind your back, and what he is doing is cheating either way. And leaving him is your best bet whether he is emotionally or sexually (or both) interested in her

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-09-2010
Wed, 04-14-2010 - 10:40pm
He's cheating - anyway you look at it. Physically - emotionally - he's already crossed the line. at least one line. What does it matter what he's said to hor?
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2009
Wed, 04-14-2010 - 11:00pm

please know my words are NOT meant to bring you any pain.

i am concerned that you are concerned about him having feelings for her. your focus should be on 'what feelings does he truly have for you'? your husband is a low down, low down. truth be known he is probably only interested in the sex aspect of it, but then again who knows.

the fact that she has a husband who he has talked to in defense of her is alarming. has the husband seen the info you have? i am quite sure he would not be thinking that it was only flirtacious. the fact that she is willing to lead your husband on while trying to protect her marriage is also a red flag.

mgray, you need to draw a line in the sand - "you want her, well don't let the door hit ya where the good Lord split ya", plain and simple. do not get angry just be matter of fact. ask him to leave until he has is priorities straight.

dr. phil has a saying that describes me to a tee 'you teach people how to treat you' - i allowed my h to treat me like a piece of dirt. i did not value myself, kept thinking he would change, that he would realize that he loved me and all would be well - but what i did not realize at the time was just how much all of his cheating, lieing, denial was affecting me. as i look back now i can only think of one thing "if i could turn back the hands of time'. another dr. phil line 'when someone shows you who they are - believe them the FIRST time;.

in closing i want to remind you that you deserve far better than you are receiving from this man who is your husband. please know that.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-25-2009
Thu, 04-15-2010 - 6:49am
Honestly it sounds like your H may have some serious mental health issues.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2008
Thu, 04-15-2010 - 8:02am

Hi mgray, It really doesn't matter if this woman is reciprocating your H's advances, he is stepping way out of line with this EA. If it wasn't her it could easily be someone else he pursues. The question is what do you want? Does he know you discovered these emails?

I'm not saying this is the case with your H but my exH was telling the OW's the same things he was telling me, his W! Yuck!! So what was real from my exH? Was he having feelings for this OW? I don't even know if he had feelings for ME if he had the ability to sneak around for a conquest on the side and I was his wife!

Whatever you decide to do take care of yourself first. Someone has to!!

hugs, Ollie

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2010
Sun, 04-18-2010 - 3:09am
This is a game they are playing. They both are playing with fire for the thrill. Unfortunately it involves unwitting people who are hurt by it. Get him an XBOX and online subscriptions and a 2nd life membership so he can lead a fantasy life.
Players good players don't lie.
What should you do? Listen to your feelings!

SINCE 1969

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-10-2010
Mon, 04-19-2010 - 7:23am

Aw, hon, you already knew the answer didn't you?