Does the pain ever stop??!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-13-2011
Does the pain ever stop??!!
Wed, 04-18-2012 - 6:09pm

It's been 4 months since I found out about the A and about 7 months since the A ended. I swear I feel more crazy now than I did when I suspected and then actually found out. I feel like I am constantly replaying every fight we had when he was cheating on me and I didn't know. I replay all of it, over and over. I lie to myself so much, I don't hardly know what to believe anymore. My friends say " oh honey, you're fine, you're lucky... Your husband is a doctor, you have the perfect life... And you'll always be number one"... I mean really? I'll always be number one?! How about I better be the ONLY one! Awww I just want to scream!!!!
So I had gotten a job. My H didn't like it. He started his new job which takes him out of town 3-4 days a
week. He wanted me to be free to travel with him, etc.
So I, against my better judgement, quit my job. My H
finally started counseling about 3 weeks ago. He was
honest (as far as I could tell) with the psych. And
after his first session said they discussed his poor

boundaries, etc. While I was "glad" he finally made
the grand freaking gesture in bettering himself, thus
our marriage, it almost makes me feel even more angry because I'm so pissed that he has to go to begin with! Hence the CRAZY, I feel! He said the doc wants me to come with him soon to give him more information on my husband... Gladly!!! But now my H is all "I'm trying and blah blah blah"... Excuse me but two appointments after 4 months doesn't quite make the "I'm trying" so shut the hell up, cut! My best friend came to town about 2 weeks ago and her and I went out for about 3 hours one night. He was extremely mad, even though I spent my night texting him the whole freaking time, because he had to make sure I knew exactly how upset he was. That is the first time in over a year that I've ever gone out without him, because I'm not allowed. As soon as my best friend left town, he typed up a long letter telling me how terrible I was for going out that night and how it didn't matter that nothing happened and I was home at a reasonable time and how could I do something like that (go out with my best friend(since 8 yrs old- I'm now 31) if I knew it was "bad" for us... and he's afraid if it happens again- he's afraid of what he'll do and actually said if I say anything in response to the letter other than "I'm sorry"- it will be a huge problem and he's afraid of what will happen. Oh and he handed me the typed letter and stood and watched me read it! As I was reading it, tears just poured out of my eyes. I didn't do anything wrong, yet I am in every way being punished for his mistakes. I was so upset because of the whole thing, but also because a week before she got here, I found out he was doing steroids again which he knows is a deal breaker. So on top of not doing anything as far as counseling to fix our marriage, he so boldly shows me that I really don't matter- my feelings don't matter, I just flat out do not count and can not trust him! He told me he didn't talk to me about it because my attitude towards steroids sucks! So even though he damn well knows how I feel about it and it would be bad for us, he continues to shoot up- but tries his hardest to make me feel guilty for going out with my girl friend that I see 5 days out of the year. Then about a week ago I said I felt it was time we have a joint checking/saving account so we both know what's coming in and what's going out. Because as it stands I don't know what he makes exactly or what our bills are each month. He transfers money to my account and that's all I get. I saw a text message the other day that he was giving a guy $460 for "supplements".... I couldn't tell you the last time I even spent $20 on myself. He never told me he was spending $460... Ever. I know he makes right at 30k a month and we don't have anything to show for it... NOTHING! We live pay check to pay check and he only gives me about $800 to a thousand each month. That money gets spent on groceries, gas, school lunch for kids, and anything the boys may need. Any how, his response to me saying that was "I don't trust how you spend money". What a freaking slap in the face that was! He told me I spent $800 in two weeks and that was terrible. That is a lot of money, but take $347 of it and give to the dentist for the kids, the gas it took me to drive the 2 hours(I have an SUV) to and from his job because he demanded I come stay the
night with him, the gas taking 4 out of 5 kids to and from school each day, to and from football practice, groceries, etc and that really doesn't leave any extra money. He told me he only had $1500.00 in his account and hadn't paid our house payment which was due on the first... And this was on the 11th. I know for certain his paycheck was for 15k. We literally have nothing to show for it and I have no idea where it's going. That fight lasted about 3 days and ended with him slamming my laptop shut on my fingers and telling me how useless and worthless I am and that I need to get a job. so I have been on 3 interviews and I'm sure I'll have a job by next week! Btw I'm still not on the account! So embarrassing. Well during that fight he apparently filled out insurance policy at work, for healthcare benefits. He did not include myself or my two children. Only him and his 3. I found out today! I am totally furious and feel I have every reason to be and yet I'm just a b!t@h and look for things to fight about. I mean I do not understand!! He doesn't think he's wrong, he doesn't think he controls me, he doesn't think I contribute to our marriage... It's so ridiculous!!!! If one of my friends told me all of this about their relationship I would question their mental state! I do not know why I stay. I know as long as I submit to him, he's going to keep on doing this. Its hard for me to accept that he really does not care about me or my feelings. I feel as if I'm just a possession to him. I know I sound like a broken record, but I really don't know what to do... Or if I have the courage to actually do it!
Advice would be greatly appreciated!
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-13-2011
Wed, 04-18-2012 - 6:32pm
Oh! I did tell him when he said he didn't trust how I spent money, that sex was no longer on the menu, seeing that I can't trust how he uses his penis around other women and couldn't trust that he wouldn't bring home a disease. But of course that's different! And of course that is not an option for me... I feel so screwed and so stuck!
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2008
Wed, 04-18-2012 - 6:58pm

(((dmh81))) From what you have written it doesn't sound like your H has any remorse and is just as controlling as he has ever been.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-13-2011
Wed, 04-18-2012 - 8:08pm
I totally hear what you're saying and agree 100%!
I have seen improvements in him, yes. But then it's like the second I start to feel like I can catch my breath, something else comes up! I about died when I found the steroids again. I looked for them, because I knew he was back on them by his behavior and mood swings. I always said that in my opinion the steroids played a major part in his cheating, because they truly turn him in to a different person. I have said many times to him that I hoped it was the steroids making him behave the way he has and not him just being a horrible souless humanbeing! When I found them a few weeks ago, I packed my kids and I up and I left. I told him that I couldn't do this anymore and I finally realized that I can not help him be better and if this is how he wants to go down, then that's his choice, but here and now I am choosing better for myself and he does not get to hurt me anymore. So we stayed at a hotel for a few days and I refused to talk to him. THATS when he finally went to counseling. Then I finally talked to him and after his "talk to Jesus" moment, I decided I would continue trying or at least get a job and my plan B back in order before I make any major decisions. So I came home. He told the therapist (I saw this part in writing.. Or email to therapist) that he does have behavioral control problems with sex and steroids and marital problems due to infidelity. I am glad he at least mentioned all of these issues, because honestly I didn't think he would. In my honest opinion and gut instinct, I do believe he's sorry... More sorry he got caught, but I do think he's sorry. He is an open book...(accept the checking account which I have a HUGE problem with). But just because I have access to his email, phone, Facebook etc., doesn't mean too much, because I've always had that and he has continued to lie and betray me in other ways. The steroids are a major problem with me. THEY ARE A DEAL BREAKER! To my knowledge they are gone once again... Which I'm pretty positive they are, just because he can not control his behavior or actions when he is on them, and he has been very calm and collected... Which is kinda scary, seeing that we've been fighting like crazy since I found the steroids. When we fight, he argues and says mean things, but is very quick to bring it back down and try to make it better... Or just shut me up- even when I keep going, and God knows- I KEEP GOING! So that alone, is different in him because before he would just say "well then let's get a divorce". He said today that it seems like I'm more angry than I was before and that our fighting is worse and more frequent than it ever has been. My response was well yeah, of course it is. I'm finally bringing all of these lies and issues to light. I finally have a voice and am not afraid of you. I have been through one divorce that left me alone taking care of two kids on my own. I CAN do it... I did for many many years. If he remembers (and I do think he is...finally) that is one of the biggest reasons why I think he fell in love with me. I was a strong, independent, young woman that took care of my children and myself. I worked full time, went to school full time and raised two very well mannered amazing kids- on my own with ZERO help from anyone. He admired that about me- but now seems threatened by it at the same time. Hell I don't know anymore. My sister said to me recently "people don't change, they only modify their behavior for periods of time".... I am a dreamer and always try to see the good in people rather than the bad (I have sucker on my forehead), but I'm starting to think my sister is right. Myself as an example... I am maybe conforming to "this" for now, but in the very end of it all, I'm not changing. The situation will change or I will be out! I can't believe it's only been 4 months, it feels like a freaking life time. My H tries to be patient, but I know he is growing tired and restless of the constant fighting. So he says he wants our marriage to work and he loves me- whatever, you know what they say. And his actions show it some times, but a lot of times they do not. He seriously has more problems than I know how to deal with. Damaged beyond belief. I've known him for many years and he hasn't always been this way. The change in him came when the steroids came.
Any suggestions on how to handle the checking account thing? I feel like if he isn't trying to hide what he spends his money on then he wouldn't have a problem with me on the account. I supported myself and two kids on less than 30k a year. I do not spend money just to spend it!