dont know how to start healing.. trusting again

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2010
dont know how to start healing.. trusting again
4
Tue, 12-07-2010 - 3:58pm

it will be a week ago tonight that the other woman started texting me, I went to see if he was where he was and he wasnt. By chance i found his car, and sat in the front seat to ask him what was going on.. she was in the back seat, i wont go into this night but it was intense. Now he says its over, but how do i know. since then he has been pretty good about telling me where he is, sending me pictures of his surroundings.. but how do i know they aren't talking still. how do i know. he lied to me for well it was probably a good portion of a year, i dont know how long they were actually having sex or for how long before that they were 'courting' it is these questions i keep asking myself and i am not sure if knowing the details will help me. but he lied for a long time, he was obviously good at it, but i had my suspicions i guess i just didnt want to deal with it. but a week ago i could not ignore it any more and now i am a wreck. i was in my final and very stressful year of school and my mom recently was diagnosed with cancer, all the while he is lying to me.. having sex with the other woman and still having sex with me, telling me how much he loves me, wants to be together forever, how do i know what he really feels, what he really wants if he can do this to me.. its horrible, i feel so sad. then sometimes i think i pushed him away, and i did, it was my final year and i didnt want to be distracted all the time. so then i think if i had done something differently maybe he wouldnt have cheated. but i cant blame myself, these problems need to be fixed before straying, what hurts the most is it wasnt a one night stand, he told her he loved her.. he said he always used condoms... but how do i know.. how do i get over all these unknowns.. how do i move on.. how can i trust him again.. i love him so much.. but how can he do this to me when he says he loves me, it seems impossible to love someone and have an ongoing affair, lie to my face.. he must hate me..

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2008
Thu, 12-09-2010 - 12:00am

Hi Saloph, I am so very sorry that you have to join us here but I am glad you are here for help from those who have been in your shoes.

You are correct, this situation IS horrible. You sound so much like me in the beginning after my first dday. I had been in school and extremely focused on getting through the program when H began his affair. Since I wasnt focusing on him, he found himself drawn to the OW whose primary focus

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-18-2010
Thu, 12-09-2010 - 6:35am

First...take care of yourself...eat, exercise and get sleep so you do not wear yourself down. Find a counselor...not a marriage counselor , but your oun individual counselor...you need someone to confide in...to give you support...also a close friend if there is someone. in my situation, I could not tell anyone else, so my IC has saved me.

He was and still may be in the "affair fog" and will say and do things that you can never imagine. My H became someone I did not know for a while and we have a 30+ year relationship, so that is saying something about the power of the A....he got attention from her that was new...your H got attention from her, but it is not the same as what he has with you...you are NOT to blame...I struggled with this for a while. I am over 1 year past my dday

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2010
Thu, 12-09-2010 - 3:16pm

Thank you so much, it really helps hearing from other people that have been where I am now. It is hard to talk to friends and family about this and know us since it is embarrassing to admit you still love this person that lied and betrayed me for so long.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2010
Thu, 12-09-2010 - 3:20pm

And thank you to the second poster as well, your kind, true and strong words help immensely. In my head I know this will pass and I will be happy and trusting again, but it is hard to actually feel it. So thank you for helping me feel that this pain will soon pass.