Don't know what to do

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2010
Don't know what to do
8
Sat, 03-20-2010 - 4:51am
Any advice would be appreciated. Last week (a day before our 2 year anniversary) I found a condom in the bottom of the washer. My husband and I haven't used condoms in ages. We have a box in a bedside nightstand which we've never used. After I found the condom in the washer, I checked the box and realized that there were 4 missing from the box. I confronted my husband about it and he immediately denied having a affair, but explained that he has taken them to work to masturbate with so that he could throw away any evidence. He also told me that he has a problem with internet pornography. At first, I was totally shocked and in disbelief. I didn't believe him but I was trying to give him the benefit of the doubt. Over the next couple of days, all I could do was cry. I just kept going over in my mind, what the hell did I do wrong? How did I not see this? Why me? Is he telling me the truth? So, I went on to his laptop and pulled up his search history, where I found more than I wanted to. Almost everyday he is on porn sites. He's also done research for swing clubs, craigslist postings for one night stands, and a dating website. I actually went as far as to join the site to try to find him, and I DID!!! I confronted him about that, but he is still denying an affair. I feel like I've lost everything, my life, my best friend, my sanity. I feel like I don't even know the man I married. Part of me is telling me to get out while I can, but the other part tells me that I need to make an effort to try to save this marriage (what's left of it). I feel like even if I did forgive him, how could things be the same again? How can I trust him? Please help.


Edited 3/20/2010 5:54 am ET by gidget_gal
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2000
Sat, 03-20-2010 - 9:11am

gidget_gal--I am so sorry you have found yourself in this place.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2010
Sat, 03-20-2010 - 10:00am
I just want to say that I agree 100% with finding_my_way's reply! U cannot begin to move forward until u know that all of his cheating is over. We actually moved 3 hrs away to get away from obsessed OW so we could gave fresh start. In your case you can't get away from Internet, but should have full access to everything if his. If he is not willing to do that then he is still hiding something. We both closed our Myspace and facebook accounts and ge quit his second job which us where she worked. It has been almost 3 yes for me and in my case my H went a step further and got the OW pregnant. It all takes time and dedication from both of you and it won't begin until you are BOTH in the same page of giving it 100%. It was definitely not a simple process for me and trust me I was ready before he was. It did not stop the minute I found out that is for sure. You will find that you are way stronger than you feel you are right now. I was determined to fight for my family and decided I was not gonna let some little tramp take my H and tear my family apart. It paid off and I am a completely changed person with an incredible marriage. I remember being where you are with absolutely no self esteem, but it will get better. This is such a fresh wound for you and I know us saying all of this may not really help at this point but just know that it is possible. Some great books are: His Help Meet (has good chapter on fighting to get him back), Freedom to Forget, and My Husbands Affair was the Best Thing that Ever Happened to Me.
I know you are not even 100% fir sure yet if he is having an actual A or Internet A, but condoms make it suspicious. I am open to telling you the exact things I did to get my H back if you are interested. Let me know. Also check unto your local BAN group (beyond affairs network).
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2010
Sat, 03-20-2010 - 5:06pm

Thank you for sharing your story and for caring. I am following your advice, and I am looking into counseling, which the H has agreed. He is the one that had initiated the search a week ago, the day after the condom finding. He didn't know that I had been checking his emails for the last couple of days. Last night I had a heart to heart talk with him about our relationship and gave him an opportunity to spill his guts. He told me that he had emailed the one particular therapist to ask about fees and scheduling. She had replied. Last night he mentioned that to me, but then he went as far as to make up a story about how he emailed her back another time to tell her that he would be getting back to her. That was a lie. He never did that. Even though that is such a little lie, it still bothers me that he couldn't even tell me the truth about that.

Would you have any advice on how to make the H tell the truth? Although, he denies an A, I still feel that there something he isn't telling me.

I've followed your advice, and opened up to my sister. I feel so much better that I've been able to to do that because for the past week, it's been so hard keeping all these feeling bottled up. In the past, it's always been my H that I have confided in. My sister was definitely the right person to talk to. She just listened and empathized without throwing judgement, which is what I was afraid of happening if I had opened to anyone.

When you found out about your H's A, did you require your own space? What's really strange is that, when my H is in the house, I wish he would leave. I don't want to look at him or hear him. It just makes me cringe. But, at the same time, when he is at work, I am checking the clock until he comes home, partly because I'm paranoid and the partly because I miss him. I thought about asking him to stay somewhere else, but frankly, I know that if he does stay anywhere, then that would mean someone else would know about our situation, and I'm not ready for that yet.

I'm sorry to bombard you with so many questions. Thank you for all of your advice so far. It really does help to hear other women's stories.

Sincerely,

Gidget Gal

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2010
Sat, 03-20-2010 - 5:22pm

Wow, you and "my_way" are truly strong women. I so wished I felt that way right now. It's been a week so far, and I still feel the aching in my chest that I felt the night I found the condoms and the day I found the porn and the online dating profile on the H's computer. I have so many mixed feeling right now, it's just too much to to try to figure out. I made one more attempt to find out whether he had actually physically cheated on me, and he denied it. I told him that at this point it didn't matter, because to me I already feel like he did with all the other stunts he's pulled. I just don't see how I'll ever be able to trust him again if I still feel that he isn't telling me the whole story. He just left an hour ago to take our dog to the doggy park, and in the back of mind I am thinking the worse. Is this going to be an everyday thing for the rest of our lives if we end up staying together? I can't even think about becoming intimate with him. The though repulses me. I guess that's where the counseling will come into play. I hope.

I am happy to hear that your story had a happy ending. Thank you for your reply and encouragement.

Sincerely,

Gidget Gal

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2003
Sat, 03-20-2010 - 5:45pm
At least he admitted he has a problem and is willing to go for counseling. My exh said he did not have a problem and refused to go to counseling. I lived with his porn crap for at least 14 years of our 17 year marriage. Did you know porn is adultery? I found out last April that his porn had expanded to physical affairs which had been going on for at least 4 years. He also joined swing clubs along with posting nude pictures of him and his partner on the internet. This was the last straw. He also exposed our sons to his porn and denied it. He still told me he did not have a problem and that not all stuff on the computer was porn. Yeah right!! He also told me he wanted to stay living at our house for the kids and for me not to tell and he could still have his little flings. I said no way I could not live like that and kicked him out hopefully waking him up. Instead of him moving to his parents he moved in with her. I guess that was my answer. I filed and immediately got tested for everything. Thankfully everything was negative. He is sick. He is still a member of the swing club with her. How gross!!!

Barbara - Mom to Veronica aka Roni- Large facial Hemangioma and PHACE


Just Remember that God does not give us more than we can handle, but why does he think I am so strong?

Barbara - Mom to Veronica aka Roni- Large facial Hemangioma and PHACE


Just Remember that God does not give us more than we can handle,

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2000
Mon, 03-22-2010 - 1:29pm

Gidget Gal,


Getting to the truth is a perilous journey.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Tue, 03-23-2010 - 1:29am

gidget gal

I won't tell you to leave him, BUT if he has a profile on a dating site and was on craigslist personals etc., this tells me he was at least intending to cheat, if he already hasn't. It's also possible that you caught him BEFORE it got as far as actually meeting up with any of these women, while it was still in the planning stage. I'd be very concerned if I were you because you haven't even been married 2 years and he is already doing this stuff. It sounds like he has a bad porn addiction if he is looking at this stuff and masturbating at work. Not a smart thing to do because he could lose his job for this if he gets caught. I think his porn addiction lead to the other stuff, because porn addiction is often the first step before the actual looking for real women and cheating takes place. Unless he agrees to intensive counseling for his porn addiction you should at least think about a separation until he does, or this stuff will continue to happen. He may or may not be able to overcome this problem with counseling. Do you have any kids?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2010
Tue, 03-23-2010 - 11:04am

Gidget_Gal,

My H has been addicted to pron for our entire married life. 15 years ago was my first Dday. We went to MC (marriage counseling) for a year. Things got better. We had 11 years of happiness. He even joined SLA (Sex&Love Anonymous)We both had some good recovery time and our life both sex and intimacy was wonderful. Then we moved to NC to be closer to his mom and to get out of Miami to raise our children (3). Here he met a woman at work who he befriended and began another life. We had another Dday 4 years ago, this time he told me he wasn't "in love" with me and never had been. He only married me because I was pregnant with our son. He knew I'd keep the baby because once 2 years before I met him I terminated pregnancy which nearly destroyed me emotionally. So he did the "right thing" and married me. I wish sometimes I would have said no and just had my son on my own. If that had happened I wouldn't have had my beautiful daughters. Well anyway, I believe this is when the EA/PA? started with coworker. These last few years have not been easy. I just couldn't get over or truly forgive him for his disclosure. That first year after dday #2 we almost separated. His first request for a S was Christmas Eve day. Go figure!! But when he opened my gift to him the following morning he burst into tears, he was so touched about my thoughtful gift he retracted the S request. Then 3 months later he requested a S again. I was so stunned. I went out and got drunk (I don't drink much if at all) and then cried on his shoulder for hours. I cried myself to sleep in his arms that night and we never S. Then dday #3, 3 weeks ago I found an email thread to this coworker, saying how much he loved her, would wait for her, how she made him smile just thinking of her. CRUSHED!!! This EA/PA? has been going on and off for the last 4 years. I really don't know if we will survive this one. I want to try and go back to those happy days of recovery. Sex Addiction is ongoing. It's like cancer! It eats away at the soul and emotional health. You fight it and it goes into remission only to pop up again if one doesn't continually fight it. It's truly exhausting. When I confronted him 3/3/10 he was so sorry. He couldn't help what he felt, but he wanted to stay with us. He knows I would take him for all I could and win. He says he still loves me. He doesn't want to lose his family, my extended family, the house and all that goes with it. He loves the whole package. I've got to believe him but this time, however this time, I'm saving all the evidence I can find, so if ever I need to file for the big "D" I'll have what I need. Right now, I'm too afraid to let go, I still have faith we can fight this thing again, however this recovery round will be difficult to say the least. I'm just so glad I have tools to work with, both kind of tools to fight for my marriage, as well as, tools to win big if we are forced into a "D". This is not an easy life to battle, but if there is anything worth fighting for in your marriage, my marriage it is worth the struggle. For me, I guess only time and H's behavior will tell. You truly are not alone!! so sorry that you need this board. Hang on this is a wild roller-coaster ride.

CrazyHeart422

"Do unto others as you would have done to you"


~JC~

Hurts have taught me never to give up loving Be willing to take another risk and chance, otherwise tomorrow may be empty.