Doublesmommy....about ensuring no contact....

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Registered: 12-31-1969
Doublesmommy....about ensuring no contact....
Thu, 08-02-2012 - 2:10pm

Still having computer issues making it hard to reply directly, I often have to start a new post to reply.  I'm hoping this comes off as kind so I'll use words that Dr. Phil has used on his show.  I can't quote him word for word but I heard him say things a few times (I don't really watch him very often) to wives who had husbands who had affairs.  What he said was something like "all you can do is let him know what is going to happen if he doesn't stop, and then you have to just let him go off and do what he's going to do because you cannot watch him 24/7".  We all find out eventually he is right, one way or another.  As much as I'd like to be a fly on the wall 24/7 with my DH to be SURE SURE SURE that he is not doing anything he's not supposed to be doing anymore, that's just too hard to do - either he wants us or not, and by now I'm positive he does, that much I do know.  You can block phone numbers, do all the things you've done, but when there's a will, there's a way, some simply go underground, buy untraceable cheap phones at a drugstore, use e-mail sites you'll never know they use, who knows what else - I wouldn't even know what all is available to them.  But the truth is that Dr. Phil knows so much more than I will ever understand, he could tell me so much more and help me a lot, and it's not just him - he's got a whole army of staff doing tons of research for him and his t.v. show, they also know their stuff. 

All you can do is precisely what Dr. Phil says and what most of us here finally understand.  If he WANTS contact, he will HAVE contact somehow.  If he will not GIVE UP contact, the situation is hopeless, because you cannot get ANYWHERE until all contact is stopped 100% FOREVER.  If he continues contact no matter what he promises, it's likely somehow you will find out something.  Some of us resort to getting on the phone WITH both of them and hearing our spouse cut off contact, but sometimes even that is just a ruse - remember it takes two to tango.  If your guy wants things to work out with you, he is going to give up all contact, that's the truth.  I'm five years in now since my DH's second EA, don't think he ever got physical but since he was using EAs as a threat for me to change to please him and lied his a$$ off for years about too many things, it has left me forever wondering what I don't know even now.  You have no choice but to DEMAND no contact and DEMAND access to all of his e-mails plus all the passwords.  He has to be transparent with everything now until you say you don't need that anymore, and it can take years - you get to check out his e-mail all you want, you get to see all phone bills - all PHONES, if you need to call him day in and day out, he has to allow it and any other terms you want.  If he wants things to work out, he's going to do all of that and you should begin to see/feel changes in his behavior toward you, too.  He got you into this, there is NOTHING you did that "made" him cheat on you, nothing, nothing, nothing.  It is his responsibility to restore trust, it's not your job, it's 100% his.  He will work toward that if he wants your relationship to go on, it's pretty black and white there.  You're in a club none of us wanted to ever join, so if it helps any at all, you have plenty of company going thru all you are going thru.