Been married for 12 years and no kids.
Your husband is taking time thought and energy from your relationship and he is investing it somewhere else. He is stealing from you to give to her. He has turned his back on you to emotionally care for her.
He has to be able to figure out why he did this with no blame to you. He has to be willing to cut all contact with her and he has to be willing to invest all this energy that he was putting into her back
Lord save me from these "noble" men....
He's not going to "ruin" his relationship with her by having sex, eh? Oh, how wonderful to have such a lofty, elevated, ethereal connection. It's quite pure and spiritual, isn't it? It's also (A) not very likely to stay that way and more importantly (B) CHEATING and UNFAITHFUL.
Why do men think that as long as they don't "park their car in the garage", they're not cheating? Believe me, the fact that he's metaphorically standing on her lawn, gazing longingly in the window while she gazes back is no comfort to you, as you wait and wonder when he'll be home with you.
He's having an affair, plain and simple. And he's not being that open with you if he's "telling her things he can't tell you." Why can't he tell you? And more importantly, why is he not trying to tell you before he goes discussing with an old flame? Who cares if it's a difficult conversation for him to have - he needs to grow a pair and man up and sit down and look you in the eye and discuss whatever it is he thinks is lacking in your relationship. That's what people of character do. That's what people who claim that you're "the love of his life" would do.
And while we're on the subject...is your husband a cat? Last I heard, humans only have one life to live, and he can't have two "loves of his life" at the same time. (Well, I suppose he could, but only if you let him). It sounds to me like he doesn't know what he wants, but he expects you to just sit tight, play happy, and love him to death till he figures it out. Is that really how you want to live?
Kick him off that fence, and do it now. He can't have two great loves, pouring his heart out to her, telling her all he ought to be telling you, and then sharing your life like all of this should be acceptable to the woman he stood before God, family and friends with and pledged for better or worse, sick or well, richer or poorer to stand by till he died.
He needs to make a clear choice. He can't put his "friendship" (and I assure you, it's far more than friendship, but you already know that) above his marriage and his life with you without facing the consequences of that choice.
Stay strong, honey, and tell him you are worth more than that and deserve more respect
5Dwife, thank you for the "wake up call" letter.
If he took his wedding ring off when he met her then he is giving her the impression that things between the two of you are not so good. He is giving her hope.
He can't decide one day that he is married and the next that it sure would feel good having a girlfriend.
You are not some kind of rag doll that he can play with until he tires of you and then toss you to the back of the closet while he plays with his shiny new toy. He expects you to be waiting at the back of the closet when he decides he needs you again. You are no toy to be dropped and picked up.
FiveDiamondWife, it's not that I don't believe you or speaking in his defense, I honestly think that he did not want to feel even more guilty by having his ring on while he was with her.
Empowerment is good and
(((HUGS))) and I'm so sorry you're going through this. I think sometimes maybe they just don't understand that emotional affairs hurt just as much as physical ones.
Why You Don’t Have to Have Sex to Cheat
There's No Good Excuse for Cheating -- Ever
Surviving Betrayal: Healing Meditations
Cyber-Cheating & Emotional Affairs
I agree that he is emotionally fence sitting.