emotional affair?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2014
emotional affair?
10
Tue, 02-04-2014 - 7:08am

I found out yesterday that my husband is/was having an emotional affair.  He'd been acting strange lately such as asking when I would be home or the dates of my upcoming business trip. He also was coming to bed unusually late.  He started to be worried about me using his phone which is not normal behavor for him.  I finally did something I know was wrong but I checked his email on his IPad when he was out. I found several emails to a girl he "met" on my free cams.  There were several message mostly sexual some not. He wrote her poetry and said she inspired him.  Also talked about his dissatisfaction w me saying I do not want sex enough.  They live  in separate cities but talked about meeting in person.  she's married w kids and wanted to meet my husband in person at a bar with her husband.  Said they'd act like they didn'to know each other but would strike up a conversation as if they're strangers.  He said neither of them had intentions of bring physical but wanted to see each other in person. He swears had never wanted to have sex with her and this was just a fantasy. I know out marriage is in trouble. Other than therapy I don't know what to do from here. Any suggestions from people who've faced similar situations is much appreciated.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2013
Thu, 03-27-2014 - 2:12pm

I'm going through the same thing after almost 20 years of marriage. I wish I had magical words for you to make it better but, unfortunately, I don't. 

I found out in October that he had feelings for his boss. Apparently, he had realized it the December before while we were in marriage counseling. Instead of cutting ties with her and focusing on our marriage, he chose to continue talking and texting with her and building their relationship. All the while, wasting my time and money going to marriage counseling twice a week with me. 

He knew that cheating of any sort would destroy me, as well. The best advice I can give you is to pray about it (if you do that). I pray every morning, afternoon and evening for God to tell me what choice to make and give the the strength to make it. 

I really hope this gets easier for you 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2014
Sat, 03-15-2014 - 2:14am

I found out on Monday that my husband had been having an affair since May 2013.  They met when she was visiting from Detroit and they have carried on the relationship with phone calls and texts including many MMS that he swears were completely innocent.  On Monday he swore there was never anything physical that they were just friends.  How stupid do men think we are!? He is now admitting to kissing but I don't believe that for one second.  I spent the first few days going through the last ten months of usage logs for his cell phone adding up the minutes.  2080 minutes about 36 hours this doesn't include the texting.  Then I just kept trying to figure out how this must be my fault.  I went through our checking account to refresh my memory about what was going on in our lives.  I found that there was nothing. I'm going through menopause so I thought maybe something about me had changed that he could see and I could not.  This man was my knight in shining armor. My first marriage of 7 yrs was abusive.  When I met my husband I had pulled myself out of that relationship and built a new life for my daughter and myself.  It was very difficult for me to trust a man again.  He bugged and girlfriend of mine for months to get me to go out with him and I did it finally as a favor to her. He was funny, loving and patient and I gave my heart and most importantly my trust to him.  He always knew that an infidelity would destroy me we talked about it easily and he always reassured me and I believed him with all my heart. In twenty four years I never thought this would happen.  I don't know what to do with this pain and rage.  It is the most intense emotion I have ever felt. I feel like my chest will just explode. I made him leave; he is staying with his brother and sister in law who are pretty disgusted with him.  He won't leave me alone long enough for me to get on level ground emotionally.  I hesitate to let anyone know yet because they are all going to feel pretty much as his brothers.  This just isn't done in their family.  I want to decide how I am going to go forward without a lot of outside influence.  I have a sister in law in CA who is a great friend and she is the only one I'm talking too.  I am somewhat introverted and have very few people I trust.  I am pretty sure I won't be able to continue the marriage. How do you ever get past that the one person you had complete trust and confidence in has betrayed you?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
Mon, 02-17-2014 - 3:51am

Yeah, right.  They'd meet in person and pretend they didn't know one another.  How stupid does he think you ARE?  If they take it that far, they are planning to get physical - otherwise why meet at all?  Been there, mine met "her" at some idiotic music festival and had plans to go to another one with her alone, so both were trying to move thing to the obvious conclusion.  As the pros say, when you make plans to meet, you change it all - it implies it's about to get physical.  A fantasy is just that - a fantasy.  What he described is NOT a "fantasy", it's reality.  Fantasy is just in your head, it has nothing to do with getting together.  Time to see a therapist together, or alone if he insists there's nothing going on, and he likely will.  He needs to cut off contact 100% forever, until he does you have nothing to work with. 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
Sat, 02-08-2014 - 8:18pm

Lisa,

       Like you said, we'll never know and don't really want to know if there were others. But you weren't a fool, my friend. You are/were a caring person giving the ultimate gifts of love and forgiveness to your H.  When there is so little of either in the world we live in today, the person who IS a fool is the one who chooses to betray the one that gives them that kind of love or throws it away. 

       Trading true love for the short-lived fantasy and attention of another cheater is stupid. If only these WS would stop and think that its not worth jeopardizing their relationship and the love and respect of their spouse, friends, and family. If they will cheat WITH you, they'll cheat ON you. The truth always, always, always comes out sooner or later.  A fool is someone who deceives themselves into thinking betraying another person is ok because they'll never get caught.  It isn't and they always do.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2002
Fri, 02-07-2014 - 11:02pm

GW, I read your kind return text and one thing struck me.  That your counselor said it was likely it wasn't the first time.  AAHHHH!  I discovered my H's affair the first time after a year.  I busted him and eventually the affair ended.  Second time, this past November, I discovered his two year long distance emotionial affair and it ended.  But in the back of my mind I've always wondered how many others were there that I didn't catch????  I'll never know, and frankly I don't want to know.  BUt reading your message made me think.... 

How long have I been a fool?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
Thu, 02-06-2014 - 3:42pm

I'm also sorry you are going through this. All the things I've said in my reply to the original poster apply in your situation, too. But given the fact that you live in the same town as the OW make it even more difficult for you I'm sure.

Cheaters rarely give all of the truth at first, if ever. Sadly, chances are it was more than just kissing. Your H also has to cut off all contact and take responsibility  for his actions. If he won't agree to this, then don't be his backup plan.  You are worth so much more than that.

He's living in Lala Land right now, in the affair fog and most likely fence sitting. Knock his ass off that fence. Either he gets it together, comes clean and does whatever he has to do to fix the damage he's done to your marriage or hand him his walking papers. You aren't his soft place to land. I would  urge you to talk to an attorney to see where you stand and to get info. This doesn't mean you are choosing to divorce right now, you are just arming yourself with info just in case. Of course, don't tell him you are seeing an attorney. And please, make an appt with your dr. to be tested for STDs. Right now you have to take care of YOU.

GW

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
Thu, 02-06-2014 - 3:30pm

I'm so, so sorry for what you're going through. My XH's full blown affair started as an EA with a coworker when he was working out of town. Your H exhibited all the same signs my XH did~acting strange, questioning when/where/how long I'd be gone,protective of his phone. I found out about his EA and confronted him. He swore  he'd never do it again, would cut off all contact, cried and sayidhe'd nearly jeoparized everything......and then got a secret prepaid phone and continued on with his EA which he took to the ultimate level of betrayal and started a physical affair. Oftentimes, once the cheater is confronted, they just go to sneakier, more underground to continue contact. So please be aware that all the talk in the world means nothing it he doesn't follow up with completely NO contact.

I know reading those words in the emails hurt you deeply. He violated a sacred trust between the 2 of you by confiding to, and mostly likely lying through his teeth to this woman. Cheaters get a big thrill out of the attention, but this guy is really stupid to even consider meeting up with this woman at a bar who plans on bringing along her husband. Had he or should he follow through with this meeting, he is setting himself up for who knows what. It amazes me how stupid and unthinking he was. He could have been the victim of fraud  or worse at the hands of this woman and her husband. What is worse is that he was putting not only himself in danger but you as well.  There are some whackos out there.

I was married 20 years when my H's affair started. You don't say  how long you've been married but I'll tell you what my counselor told me: this probably isn't the first time he's done something like this. I don't say this to hurt you but to prepare you should you find out more details/incidents of him cheating. My XH ran like a scalded dog when I found out about his A; he couldn't face what he'd done and how he'd hurt so many people. He was at first apologetic then refused to take responsibility for his actions and turned it around  and blamed me~another of their tricks to allievate themselves of the guilt or to justify continuing the affair. Please know that this is NOT your fault. He CHOSE to do this because of a flaw in his character and would have regardless if you had had sex 10 times a day.

I would suggest counseling. But he must be willing to go, agree to cut off all contact with the OW, and take responsibility for what he's done. Now is the time you will find out what he's really made of by the actions he takes.

I wish you the best,

GW

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2002
Tue, 02-04-2014 - 6:59pm

Ter, I'm so sorry you are going through this aweful situation. It is probably one of the absolute worst moments of your llife.  I don't want to hurt you further, but chances are very good that they didn't just "kiss".  He probably told you that so as not to dig himself a deeper hole.  But be prepared.  Over time you may learn some other very hurtful details so it is probably best to prepare yourself for the worst. Now i don't know if his little "sweetheart" is married or not, but my bet is that they are living in some little "what if" fantasy land.  

Despite his actions, I do have hope for you and your relationship if you still want to be with him.  It sounds like he was testing the waters and he got burnt.  Now you both have to decide if you want to move for ward together or not.  If he does (and I bet he does) then you call the shots.  BUt first you take care of you.  Be it counseling, meds, friends, family, and this board.  Never blame yourself.  And don't make any impulsive decisions.  You are too raw right now.  IF you chose to forgive him and he wants your relationship to work it is on your terms now.  And he must be completely open and honest.  

Better days are ahead.  Stay strong and let us know how you are doing.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2002
Tue, 02-04-2014 - 6:43pm

Jak, I do understand how you feel.  It is a devastating feeling to see those words but now they can never be undone.  And as painful as it right now, its better that you know.  Do not make any rash decisions right now.  Even tho you are probably mad as all get out and unbelivably hurt as well.  You both have to decide if you want to continue the relationship.  If so he must contact the OW and discontinue all correspondence.  Then he must be totally transparent with every aspect of his life because he has forfeited your trust and has to earn it back.  Im curious how the OW's husband would feel if he knew he was a pawn in their sick game?  If he wanted more sex from you he could have asked.  This is NOT your fault and don't for one second blame yourself.  This will likely be a long journey for you.  Turn here for support.  Perhaps individual counseling for you and possibly medication would help.  Marriage counseling should be in addition to everything you will require from him.  Hang in there.  It does get better

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2014
Tue, 02-04-2014 - 7:22am

I found out 2 days ago, this very same thing. Only difference is that the other woman lives in our home town and I found out it is my husband s high school sweetheart.   He told me they had not had sex, but that they had kissed, he has even been to her house and that he felt he still might have feelings for her after all these years, and they had talked about a " second chance."  I am devastated,  I feel so betrayed , hurt , snd just very angry.  I had suspicions but really just felt I was being paranoid until I checked our cell phone records, now im just sick.  Not sure how to get past this. Im so sorry for what you are going through,  I know exactly how you are feeling at this very moment.