Emotional affair or midlife crisis?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2011
Emotional affair or midlife crisis?
3
Tue, 02-08-2011 - 2:42am

A few months ago I found out that my husband had been having an emotional affair. It started with emails on a forum, she fell in love with him and he lapped up the attention. They would text each other up to 20 times a day and

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 02-08-2011 - 11:13am

DH was about that age when he had his EA. He tried to use the excuse of midlife crisis, too. Maybe his age has something to do with it, but whatever the circumstances, he chose to have an EA rather than deal with the underlying problems.

DH and I were able to get past it and it has been about 5 years since DDay #1, but I would not be with him if he had not done certain things. 1. He admitted to and took responsibility for everything. 2. He told me everything. 3. He got it, he understood not only that he hurt me, but why what he did hurt me. 3. He became an open book. 4. He worked hard to understand how he got to the place where having an EA was a good idea. 5. He learned how to set firm boundaries so no woman ever got that close again. 6. He figured out that I had good reason not to trust him and even now shows me with his actions that he is trustworthy.

At first, I didn't realize I needed all of these things from him, but over time, I kept raising the bar. There was a Dday #2 that happened a year after the first and after that, I was ready to pack my bags if NC were not firmly established. I also had to know every single time he saw her even if they didn't speak. I still lived in fear that she would pop into his office and it would start again. Well, she popped into his office a year later, and it didn't start again, but he did not simply kick her out and this bothered me. He was sure she got the hint, but I needed him to stand for us, for me. I stewed for a week while he ignored the situation. When we finally talked, he told me he didn't want to hurt her, that was why he was so gentle. "So," I said, "You were so concerned for her well-being, but you let me cry and be upset all week without doing one thing to ease my pain." His jaw dropped. He actually didn't realize how he had put her so far ahead of me. It was an epiphany that he treated someone who supposedly didn't matter to him with such care, but was such a jerk to somone he supposedly loved and valued. I told him right then that I was done having her in my life in any capacity. If it meant I had to get rid of him, then so be it. He understood that he had to make some changes and quick. Things changed dramatically after that. That was when 3, 4, 5 & 6 started to happen.

xOW works where we work and I actually have to talk to her occasionally. When she began, DH changed how he did business so he would have minimal contact with her without me even having to ask him to do it. The first year, he told me every time he saw her even if they didn't speak. Now, two years later, she is pretty well irrelevant. We both see or speak to her regularly, but it is unremarkable. She recently got married and neither of us knew about it.

What I learned about DH was that

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
Mon, 02-14-2011 - 5:07pm
I agree that "midlife crisis" is merely an excuse, nothing more. Nothing they can say justifies any type of affair, they destroy relationships and people. He has somehow justified this in his head, but they forget: they had EVERY chance to say no EVERY TIME. That one partner will willingly hurt another will always blow my mind, we have no right to hurt others and our partner should be the most important person in the world to us. My DH says MOST guys he knows believe unless they actually get physical with another woman then they've DONE NOTHING WRONG AT ALL. You're in the situation many of us find ourselves - do they really love US if they are capable of cheating? Since he's not consistently repentent, heck, in your shoes: counseling. Alone at first. It really doesn't matter if it's a PA or EA, they both devastate your partner. I suspect in between the lines he doesn't know what to do now, too, it sounds that way. So he needs help, too, if he values your relationship. He should have behaved in the first place, same as all of them.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-05-2011
Sat, 03-05-2011 - 8:58pm
I caught my boyfriend as well in an emotional affair as well with an old hs married girlfriend and we live together at the time it was almost 4 years living together.

That crap has now only escalated to yet another woman i have no clue about to be honest.

but it all came to light this week when he was off for his annual fest trip he takes...only he decided to go a day early and when he printed out the hotel stuff.

I noted 2 people in room but he normally shares with a male friend dumb me didn't note the 1 or two beds part.

but I questioned when I read it why 3 days only and he said that he had to do is separate for those 3 days to get that group rate.

I bought it until I discovered he had pack cialis (erectile disfunction drug) for this trip.

I called him on it because once they emotionally cheat its the same thing you can't trust them.

He said I'll call you back and that was wednesday he has not called and its saturday.

so I tried to call him today...ended up just texting him...telling him to forget I ever existed and I had my locks rekeyed.

This time I'm not forgiving him life is too short to put me through anymore stress.

I've had enough of that in my lifetime my husband lost his battle with cancer in 2005...and he was sick for 4 years.

so I know I sound harsh about dumping him so quickly but life is short and I can't deal with drama like this in my life its been hard enough moving forward when I lost my husband.