Emotional Affair & Where to go From Here

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-08-2009
Emotional Affair & Where to go From Here
9
Tue, 03-15-2011 - 11:17pm

Hi everyone,

I recently found out my husband has been having an EA with a woman he used to work with. I've been suspicious for some time - told myself I was being paranoid - but decided to look in his phone while he was still sleeping a few days ago. I found some inappropriate texts from his mother (she

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Wed, 03-16-2011 - 2:24am
Since this isn't the first time this happened I can see why you are upset and believe me I feel your pain. My H has had more than one inappropriate relationship with women throughout our 33 year marriage and my best advice would be to leave if you have no kids. This constant need for validation from other women never ends no matter how much attention you give them or how much you love them. This need for attention Is like an addiction with them that can't be cured. You will never trust him and that is no way to go thru life.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-08-2009
Wed, 03-16-2011 - 4:22am

Thank you for your reply. My first instinct wasn't to leave - it should've been.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Wed, 03-16-2011 - 10:52am
Don't feel bad. You always want to believe the best about your spouse even though you know something is just not right. Your gut never lies to you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2010
Wed, 03-16-2011 - 6:45pm

Hurts have taught me never to give up loving Be willing to take another risk and chance, otherwise tomorrow may be empty.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-1999
Wed, 03-16-2011 - 9:47pm
Don't feel like an idiot for loving someone who didn't know what to do with it. Hugs to you as you go through this very bleak time. I hope you find strength and peace to get through this ordeal and heal the best way you can.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2000
Wed, 03-16-2011 - 10:53pm
There would be nothing WRONG with you monitoring his every move, e-mail, phone call, etc. - that's exactly what many of us here learned it takes to even START to feel some sense of trust at all - it isn't "violating" anything, it's common sense. If he won't do that willingly, then you know something is going on, period. With the content of those messages, you already know that, anyway. Him saying he won't talk to her anymore "if you don't want him to" is ludicrous - it should be HIM who doesn't want to talk to her anymore IF your marriage matters, and if it does he has to cut off contact permanently immediately, even if it means a new job. Is he willing or not? What you want is what counts right now, we all know here "when you're in the middle of it" it's hard to figure out for SURE what you DO want. Take some time to decide.

 


~~joannaran~~

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2011

Hello Heather..

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-08-2009

Thank you all so very much for your replies. I am so sorry I haven't been back to post sooner, but as you can imagine, it's been a difficult time for me.

I've spent the last two weeks really trying to figure out what I want and what is best. I've had weak moments, I've had stong moments, I've been angry, pissed, I've cried,

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
Fri, 04-08-2011 - 1:19am
This is STILL very iffy. We say here often you don't hide things if there's nothing TO hide, and he's still hiding that stupid phone - that speaks volumes. He's changing passwords, etc. - all he's doing is building a case against himself here, this does NOT sound to me like a guy who means he wants it to work out. He is supposed to do exactly the opposite of what he's doing. It's not a matter of "I won't be in touch with her any more IF YOU DON'T WANT ME TO" - that's backwards. It should be HIS immediate decision this second to tell YOU I've already permanently cut off contact, you don't even have to ask! He is also supposed to make himself an open book to you from this minute on, OFFERING up all passwords, giving you total access to his phone(s), e-mail, everything. THIS is how he begins to rebuild trust, without that, without a permanent and immediate end to all contact, you have nothing to work with, nothing at all. Those of us whose spouses did do all of that will tell you that even WITH all of that, it was still he!! even TRYING to stay together, but without it? Forget it, you don't have a prayer, trust will never return - how could it? Do not let him convince you any of this is your doings - it matters not if your marriage WAS unhappy or your finances a mess - he made a totally conscious choice to have what obviously is an emotional affair, and it can hurt even MORE than a physical one for many of us because he gave away what belonged solely to you - that sense that you were cherished and the emotional connection that women want so much in the first place. He will change his tune if he wants your marriage, he won't if he doesn't. That's how this works.